#a305

okay i broke someone's trust.. not a good start to a sentence but i'm only confessing what's true. is it a secret if they're loud enough for me to not hear? i already had my headphones on, yet their voices pierced through.

i was in a meeting when i noticed sir jeh's voice die down a bit while talking to i.m. guia. am i not supposed to hear it? i believe that was the moment my ears caught on that it was important information.. and of course, the more you keep something away, the more people will be attracted to it. subconsciously, my brain decided to eavesdrop. except.. i didn't have to put the effort, because i.m. exclaimed mj's name loudly enough for the whole bay to hear.

i'm not sure exactly what they're talking about, but one can catch on with little context, given what's happening with the team.

"si mj na lang kunin mo girl"

"bakit si mj?"

i believe that was all i needed to hear.. i turned my attention to them and my eyes met sir jeh's. yes, i did it deliberately. it was an attempt to let him know, yes i heard that, and i'm letting you know that i heard it. i didn't think that was enough, so i joined in on the conversation as well:

"sa home care, sir jeh? ayaw niyo?"

"di pwede, di ko kayo pagsasamahin."

"bakit di sila pwedeng magsama?"

just a sly smile towards i.m. i focused back on the meeting once the short exchange was done. a few minutes later and i.m. left as well. break time came not long after and i took the opportunity to exit the awkward atmosphere.

i had a slight breakdown about it. i smoked during break. i told aby when she checked up on me through call. mj's lob is also in danger, and i couldn't help but be anxious about it. i felt nothing today but be disoriented about what's happening in our task > in our department > in our teammate's department > in our campaign. i was hungry but i needed to compose myself more than appease my appetite.

i admit i was restless after knowing what i overheard. when break was over, i approached sir jeh..

"wag ka po mag alala sir jeh, di ko sasabihin mga narinig ko. di ko rin naman alam kung paano at ayaw kong sakin manggaling yung ganun. nanlulumo lang din po ako."

"sige, i trust you."

and that was it. a small relief. i went back to my station.

this isn't exactly a spoken routine, but we do huddles on slack just about every day. it was time to check up on mj.

it became harder to fight back tears when i heard her voice. i started to overthink not-so-good stuff. but i didn't let her know any of it. nothing uncommon about the conversation. this went on until the end of shift. i was going crazy over trying to focus on everything that needs to get done, but i managed to compose myself enough to reach dismissal. i sucked up the idea that i performed poorly today.

after shift, i pushed for a hangout with mj. we just went to the usual, aaannddd... that was where i broke sir jeh's trust in me. i told her about what i heard, with the discretion and all (of it being unconfirmed, since it is). the justification in my mind being: it's better to prepare her for what might happen, than surprise her with the sudden change.