#a.w.c

that part of the press conference is so interesting/sad to watch after hearing him describe it. You can see so many thoughts and emotions going through his head, and the exact moment he sees Marilyn. It's barely a minute long video, but there are so many feelings in it.

This was the end of his answer to another question. During the flight, he mentioned something about Apollo 13 being "the last lunar mission for a long time," thinking he was just saying it to Fred and Jack. But, unknown to him, the microphones were set to VOX, meaning that conversation was broadcast to everyone listening to the air-to-ground communications from earth. He went into the press conference expecting that would be mentioned, but desperately hoping it wouldn't. It was the first question asked. His answer was careful and prepared well–he knew what he said during this press conference would have have an impact on the public opinion, and the congressional funding, of NASA.

You can see so clearly in these clips that "thousandth of a second" that he talked about in the more recent interview. You can see every one of those thoughts moving through his mind. He starts off listening intently, but with little emotion–as soon as he realizes what the question is, he starts to smile. His smile gets even wider when the reporter starts listing off specific mission numbers. I think he also glances over to where the NASA people who would be responsible for giving him another mission were sitting.

This is the shortest of all the gifs I made of this video, but I think it's probably the one that shows the most emotions, too. The way he leans over and smiles directly at the reporter–it's a mix of appreciation, annoyance, joy, and judgment.

He does appreciate that the reporter pointed out what Marilyn went through. Jim introduced her and mentioned what the families went through at the beginning of the press conference, and he's glad she's getting recognition for her strength. At the same time, he's always been incredibly protective of his family when it comes to reporters. Even if they're being respectful, he doesn't necessarily want the media talking about his wife. He understands how hard they make it for her during missions, and especially during this mission. He knows the "concern" the reporters have for her isn't genuine, and because of that his guard instantly goes up when he hears her name come from a reporter's mouth. That smile also contains a bit of judgment–mostly for the fact that the reporter didn't finish the sentence. It's somewhere between being relieved he didn't have to hear the rest of that question, and being offended the man didn't finish it. It's almost like Jim's encouraging him to finish the sentence, but at the same time daring him to say something bad about Marilyn. That smile had some amount of appreciation, but it was also a threat.

In general, people were worried to imply, or just simply didn't believe, that the wives of astronauts had that much power over their husbands. Many astronauts and reporters would take that to mean that they were viewed as weak, that people thought they couldn't stand up to a woman. You can hear in this video the other people in the room laughing when the reporter mentions Marilyn–either at the the idea of Marilyn being involved in his decision about future flights, at the implication she had the ability to veto them, or simply at the reporter's decision not to finish the question. Despite other people's opinions/views, Jim never hid the fact that him and Marilyn were a true team who made decisions together, and he did not appreciate implications of the opposite.

And on top of all of that–this was another subject that had to be handled carefully. He wanted to be open about the struggles and fears the families faced, but at the same time, he didn't want to effect the public opinion of NASA.

he started off answering the question very directly, with a positive tone, prepared to mention the guarantee management had given to Apollos 11 and 12.

Both Neil Armstrong and Pete Conrad were told before their flights that if for any reason whatsoever they couldn't land, they would be given the next mission. The main reason they were given that guarantee was to prevent them from attempting to land in unsafe circumstances out of a fear they'd loose their opportunity. Nobody gave Jim this guarantee before the mission. Not necessarily because they didn't plan to give him another chance, but because after four lunar flights and two lunar landings, they anticipated the chances of them being unable to land were much lower. But still, without the prior guarantee, his chances of another flight weren't quite as sure as if the other missions had been unsuccessful. Being asked that question directly gave him an opportunity to explain that guarantee–something the press wasn't entirely aware of–in front of an auditorium full of reporters and NASA officials, which would have effectively cornered NASA into giving him another flight.

Then, while briefly scanning the audience, something caught his eye. Jim is a very well trained public speaker. Usually, when answering a question, he'll look directly at the person who asked it most of the time, occasionally scanning the room to look at the rest of the audience. At the beginning of this conference when he introduced Marilyn, you could tell she was sitting to Jim's left, towards the back. Right after he looks away from that direction, his eyes immediately dart back, as if his mind registered there was something that caught his attention. At the same time, he starts to stutter, almost loosing his thought, despite it being a very simple sentence he's saying. He looks back at Marilyn long enough to confirm that he was seeing what he thought he was, then he quickly collected his thoughts, nodded ever so slightly to Marilyn, and continued answering the question.

He immediately starts speaking louder, and with more conviction. But he also keeps looking back to Marilyn. He's taking his eyes off of the reporter who asked the question far more than normal–it's almost as if he has to keep reminding himself that he's not having a conversation directly with Marilyn.

When he says "this was my fourth spaceflight," he looks over to Marilyn yet again, and the tone of his voice is almost apologetic. He knows how hard missions are on her, and no amount of desire to walk on the moon could change that. He knows there's a reason he said 13 would be his last flight before he even launched. When he looks in that direction, he's also looking at all of the other astronauts who are sitting in the same section. He knows how badly all of them want to go to the moon–most of them have never been to the moon, and he just got back from his second trip. Apollo 20 has already been canceled, and although they hadn't canceled 18 & 19 yet, the future of the program was already unsure. He knew if he went back a third time he'd be taking one of a very limited number of lunar flight seats.

especially when compared with the beginning of his answer to this question, his face is much more subdued, less expressive–sadder. You can hear the disappointment in his voice. But, that's all it is–disappointment. He's not angry, he's not lying, he believes every word he's saying. He knows it's the right answer, he just wishes so strongly that it wasn't. It's almost as if you can hear, feel, him accepting that as he answers the question. He doesn't want to do it, but he knows he needs to.

And somehow, through all of these emotions, he still manages to keep his public relations mode turned on. He makes it clear that he still trusts NASA, the vehicles, and the people–and that others should too. He also leaves it somewhat open, in case somehow, someday, after they have a real conversation, Marilyn changes her mind.

But as he finishes his answer, he still makes it clear that he doesn't plan to go back. I'm pretty sure in this part he's also looking behind the reporters to where Deke and some of the other NASA officials are sitting, especially when he gives that little nod. He's telling Deke (who was likely expecting him to talk about the guarantee and confirm his ability to get another flight right then), that he understands what he just said, and that he knows he's giving up his chance to go back.

This minute of film, this single question in a press conference, was the true final time he Lost the Moon.

Jim Lovell really is one of the best examples you could ever want in humility, gratitude, love, and positivity.

He was personally prevented from landing on the moon so many times, by so many people–Frank Borman turning down the opportunity for the Apollo 8 crew to get 11 (he would've been the CMP on that mission, but he likely still would've had the opportunity to command a later mission, just as Mike did), again when Neil turned down the chance to swap out Buzz for Jim in his crew (which he did in part so Jim would get to command his own mission, not knowing that mission would turn out being 13), a third time on April 13th, 1970, when Odyssey exploded, and finally when Marilyn said she didn't want him to take another mission–and yet, despite all of those times he was denied the moon, he never held a grudge. He wasn't angry. He always appreciated the missions he did get, and he lived the rest of his life happily and without complaint. He could've been mad, he could've blamed others, he honestly would've been justified in blaming Frank, Neil, the builders who dropped the oxygen tanks, the technicians who burned away the insulation, the spacecraft Odyssey itself, or even Marilyn. But he never did. Out of the first 30 astronauts, only 7 stayed married, including Jim. Him and Marilyn stayed together, in love and happy, for more than 70 years, until she died in 2023. During Apollo 8, he named a mountain on the moon after her, and he fought until 2017 to get the name officially recognized, a fight he eventually won. He always had so much love and respect for her.