#a goodbye

Sam had HAD IT with the covens. She's so, so tired of most of them, they just, won't leave her alone.

What the hell does a girl have to do to get them off her trail? She moved her castle, once, twice, more than three times. THREE. TIMES!!! And all that seemed to do was make them want her MORE.

She moved her castle as a fuck you, but seemed to just throw them a carrot instead.

She is just, so tired of them and the worst thing about this is, she can't even force them away either. Sam is powerful, she knows that, moving a castle on a whim is a powerful feat of magic, and she (accidentally) made the goddamn philosopher's stone and it fused itself with her, thus giving her basically eternal life.

But she knows better than to fuck with entire covens when she hasn't even finished her studies yet as self-imposed as they were. There is probably a school for magic, she doesn't know if that actually exists, but she isn't going to one of those because, well, she doesn't have an invite to go but that's besides the point.

Case in point, Sam has the raw power, not so much the training and expertise where she can go against a full-blown coven yet and multiple at that. She also knows that them not inviting themselves in was due to basic courtesy and that just lets her move her castle to another area and the thing is, she doesn't know just how many times she can keep doing this before they just decide to break in the next time they find her castle.

She's lost quite a bit of sleep over this, she will admit.

She is glad that they were rather diplomatic in their approach rather than forcing her to comply at their earliest convenience. But all in all, she's just. So, so tired of being hunted down by covens because what? She's a fledgling witch that needs guidance or whatever?

Well, they aren't wrong but still.

She's met one of the coven leaders before, nice old lady. Didn't try forcing her to join, or even asked really, but just warned her about the other covens wanting her power for one reason or another and left as quick as she came.

Again, nice old woman.

So, Sam needs a magical... supervisor? Mentor? Whatever, just someone she could use to shield herself from the covens.

Her answer came in the most unexpected way, really.

Her next hiding spot was one Gotham City. Why? Because the city rife with crime would make just the greatest of hiding spots, really.

Can you tell she's running out of options?

It's gotten to a point that Sam would just, take the attention of Batman himself if that means she doesn't have to interact with the covens for one more day and boy did she get his attention.

Batman brought not just one, but two magic users. Zatanna and Constantine were their names, and Sam already finds herself eyeing up either of them to be her potential magical shield.

TW: Death

"The Space She Left" by Eugenea J.

We met in 2014, through a game called Line Play. One of those dress-up games where you could style your avatar and visit your friends’ tiny virtual rooms. Her taste was always a little chaotic. She mixed frilly skirts with combat boots, but she wore her style like she wore her life: unbothered, colorful, her own.

Then we moved on to other games. Mobile Legends was our favorite for a while. She was, truth be told, a hilariously bad player. She’d forget to buy items or charge into fights without a plan or even leave her team member to save herself. We’d lose ranked matches because of her wild decisions and I’d scold her, tease her, sometimes even get annoyed. But then she’d laugh, or send a sticker, and suddenly, it didn’t matter. We were playing. We were together. That was enough. Then when we were bored with it, we started to try other dress up games as Line Play closed down. 

When we first met her in-game name was Shane, then she changed it to Renata and so on. But still, I always call her Shane or Darlo.

In real life, she didn’t have it easy. She lived with her mom, just the two of them, moving from one rented room to another. They sold food door to door to survive. No savings. No security. Healthy food was a luxury they couldn’t afford. And yet, she smiled. She made jokes. She showed up for our silly games like they were her safe place, and maybe they were.

Earlier this year, she started disappearing more. Logging off for days. Telling me she wasn’t feeling well, but brushing it off. She never said what was really going on. It was frustrating. She just promised she’d be back soon. 

But she never came back.

I found out she died from a story her mom posted on WhatsApp. Just a short message. Quiet, final.

Cancer took her from all of us.

And now her avatar still sits in my friend list. Her Mobile Legends account is frozen in time. The last photo she posted in the dress-up game is still there, mismatched and bold. No one in the games knows. They keep playing. The world keeps moving.

But I see her everywhere.

I wasn’t always a good friend. I should’ve been more patient, more gentle. I wish I could go back to tell her sorry, to tell her how much her presence meant, even when we were just losing matches or messing with outfits. She brought laughter into my day. Light, when I didn’t realize I needed it.

Now when I log in, the silence is sharp. Her last online time keeps increasing, marking the day she’s been gone.

But in some strange way, she’s still here, with her wild style, her bad gameplay, her brave smile. The kind of friend you never truly lose. Just move a little further from.

I hope, wherever she is now, the food is warm, the net is fast, and the games are fun.

And maybe, just maybe, she’s still dressing up her avatar and finally have the life she always wanted to have.

Till we meet again my friend.

I've been on antidepressants for almost a year now. This is the first year of my life in many, many years where I've been, genuinely, enjoying life. And, even in the moments where things are Not Great, I still feel great because I'm not constantly trying to off myself.

And it's not just the meds. I've been more in contact with my friends, I'm going out, meeting people. I'm getting the opportunity to be a young woman in my early twenties, to drink and wake up in the morning kind of regretting staying out late, but still having so. much. fun.

I still go to church, sometimes. Because it doesn't bother me anymore, because I can sit there, finally comfortable in my own skin, knowing that I know who I am and what I believe and that's enough.

And all of that has got me thinking: this is truly the only life that I have. There's no way of knowing what comes after this.

And I finally feel safe enough to feel really fucking great to affirm that there is no way that I'm going to spend the only life that I know I have denying myself of all the joys that exist in being a human being. I don't want to spend my days thinking of all the ways I was made wrong. Of all my shortcomings. Days of Making myself little, so He can be Great.

Which is why I think I'm ready to let go of this blog.

I created this space when I was feeling so much rage, so much sadness, and I needed community. And I got that, I truly did! I never really interacted much, but it was so great to know that I wasn't alone in my feelings.

This space means so much to me, because not only it helped me heal, but it's also proof that, yeah, I didn't think I would, but I survived.

I've been thinking of this for a while, and this post was supposed to be just this: a rant. But I feel like, in order to continue, I need to put some things behind, which includes my lovely blog.

I don't know if anyone cares, but I felt like I needed to say goodbye. I've been here for a while, and I've seen people come, and go, and I know I remember people and still check their blogs even when they disappear, so to anyone that might remember me and come across this blog:

A goodbye is not simple. Say goodbye is not simple. Especially when no one is prepared... But life is like this. Many things will happen that we are not prepared for. At first, it is difficult to realize, then it is painful... But time will do its work. Give yourself time to say goodbye, if we haven’t already.

We have the right to cry just as we have the right to smile. The smile is a sign that all the beautiful moments we spent with the person who left will remain in our memories and in our hearts. Our smiles, our laughter, our tears of joy are certainly what our loved ones prefer to see above all.

This is what I think. So I smile. I smile for all those beautiful moments I spent with my relative.

Hey Tumblr.

We took a break, stepped back to assess the spaces we're currently in and realized: we're not comfortable in this community. Between the policing of System healing and the CONSTANT drama and discourse, I no longer believe the online community is a good space for Systems or anyone trying to heal.

If we do come back, it won't be for a while. A month or more. We're sorry of anyone has been waiting on something to be answered, but we're no longer in a position to give anyone advice on anything.

24 hours ago, I didn't know he existed. I had to need to see him, watch him, or care about who he was. I was unknowing.

12 hours ago I heard he passed. I felt sad, as one does when someone dies. I put his channel on my personal "to watch" list for tonight. I wasn't excited, nor was I intruiged.

1 hour ago I watched his last video. Then I watched his Minecraft VR video. Not 8 seconds in, I was giggling, no joke.

10 minutes ago I nearly shed tears for him. In the 40 minutes I watched his videos and saw the comments left, I knew how big of an impact he had on the world. On people who thought his name was Dave. On people who could Doxx him and go to his house uninvited bc "popularity" but *didn't*. On people he didn't get to make friends with.

I don't watch DSMP, for multiple reasons. But I felt every ounce of grief in the words spoken and typed. I felt every memory that was made come to the forefront of everyone who had ever watched you, even is I didn't have those memories.

He was a good person, and a better YouTuber. I didn't know you or your videos when you were alive, but wherever you are, know I will most certainly be watching your memories now. You are loved and appreciated by many. Thank you for every memory and laugh and chuckle and smile. No matter if I haven't had them yet.