Between Stillness and Stars

TW: Death

"The Space She Left" by Eugenea J.

We met in 2014, through a game called Line Play. One of those dress-up games where you could style your avatar and visit your friends’ tiny virtual rooms. Her taste was always a little chaotic. She mixed frilly skirts with combat boots, but she wore her style like she wore her life: unbothered, colorful, her own.

Then we moved on to other games. Mobile Legends was our favorite for a while. She was, truth be told, a hilariously bad player. She’d forget to buy items or charge into fights without a plan or even leave her team member to save herself. We’d lose ranked matches because of her wild decisions and I’d scold her, tease her, sometimes even get annoyed. But then she’d laugh, or send a sticker, and suddenly, it didn’t matter. We were playing. We were together. That was enough. Then when we were bored with it, we started to try other dress up games as Line Play closed down. 

When we first met her in-game name was Shane, then she changed it to Renata and so on. But still, I always call her Shane or Darlo.

In real life, she didn’t have it easy. She lived with her mom, just the two of them, moving from one rented room to another. They sold food door to door to survive. No savings. No security. Healthy food was a luxury they couldn’t afford. And yet, she smiled. She made jokes. She showed up for our silly games like they were her safe place, and maybe they were.

Earlier this year, she started disappearing more. Logging off for days. Telling me she wasn’t feeling well, but brushing it off. She never said what was really going on. It was frustrating. She just promised she’d be back soon. 

But she never came back.

I found out she died from a story her mom posted on WhatsApp. Just a short message. Quiet, final.

Cancer took her from all of us.

And now her avatar still sits in my friend list. Her Mobile Legends account is frozen in time. The last photo she posted in the dress-up game is still there, mismatched and bold. No one in the games knows. They keep playing. The world keeps moving.

But I see her everywhere.

I wasn’t always a good friend. I should’ve been more patient, more gentle. I wish I could go back to tell her sorry, to tell her how much her presence meant, even when we were just losing matches or messing with outfits. She brought laughter into my day. Light, when I didn’t realize I needed it.

Now when I log in, the silence is sharp. Her last online time keeps increasing, marking the day she’s been gone.

But in some strange way, she’s still here, with her wild style, her bad gameplay, her brave smile. The kind of friend you never truly lose. Just move a little further from.

I hope, wherever she is now, the food is warm, the net is fast, and the games are fun.

And maybe, just maybe, she’s still dressing up her avatar and finally have the life she always wanted to have.

Till we meet again my friend.