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Shame creates the paralysis that creates the shame that creates the frenzy to do only what the world says I should do and be only what the world says I should be which then drains the life out of me and leaves me on the floor, paralyzed all over again.
Graphic period talk ahead
It's day 3 of my period. It's extremely dark coloured with a very light flow. I got my IUD in May, so, 3 months ago? Maybe it was late April. In any case, I know it's supposed to take a while before my period completely stops, but I'm ready to be done. I know I'm spoiled now with the non-existent cramps and barely any blood, but my last one lasted about 10 days, which is kinda annoying.
I ended up sleeping instead of doing homework this morning once boyfriend person went to bed. I think I needed it.
Work was extremely boring, but hey, I got time and a half for labour day. I also decided to get Thursday off since my mom bribed me with promises of new clothes to go with her to Billings for the two day Cancer Extravaganza (CT scans, having her port cleaned and accessed, chemo, etc). She even said I could do homework in the hotel room while she does her scans. Not sure if I'm gonna do that or not, but it was nice of her to give me an excuse for a day off from work.
Lastly, I have over half of my reading done for this chapter. I was gonna try and push through to do it all,.but my head's hurts and the reading has stopped making sense. It's a good chapter though. A little overwhelming as it's discussed teaching approaches, methods, and techniques. I wanna do right by my students, and there are so many things to try to help them be better equipped to learn.
Holding In
Chest aches Eyes burn Wish to close them for a bit
Faith quakes Stomach turns Feels like it has taken a hit
Hand shakes Life mourns How well it seems to fit
It is said tomorrow will be a better day But every breath I’ve taken has been today
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HERE is where you wake up.
9.3.2018
Birthday is in 6 days and so much has occurred since my last post. Graduating from highschool and knowing I’ll probably never have to see any of those people ever again has lifted a weight off my shoulders. ( leaves to go make tea )
I’ve recieved a lovely gift of a little wing ocarina from one of my dear friends, a friend of mine also made an offhanded suggestion at me getting a Bad Dragon toy and now I have 3 with 2 on the way plus one I’m buying for them. My dog has finally been neutered, got his teeth cleaned, and has been microchipped, which is awesome. I served on a Jury and loved the experience, had a late night before I had to go in to work, forgot my card when I went to buy a monster that morning and a random stranger paid for me. I got a new computer. A lot of good things.
But I also live in Florida with chronic uncontrolled asthma and Red Tide hasn’t been the nicest to me. Two of the people at my work who I adored the most have left. I think it was really shitty how one of them was fired for coming in to work drunk after a night where her friends kicked her out of their car and stole her money.. I liked her. Even had a crush on her. She was funny and honestly a light in that dark dim vet office.
Then with the good things outside of my own life, well I really can’t think of much.
As far as, not bad, but negative things goes, I’ve been informed of the incel network and community. Elliot Rogers in specific. And I know I’m super late to this party. Elliot wasn’t bad looking. I personally find him attractive and if he had come up to me while I was browsing in a bookstore and said I was cute and asked for my number, I probably would have given it to him. But at the same thought on that, to spite my own attraction to him I feel like in that way I could have very well handed myself over to a potential murderer or rapist. And that thought scares me. So many people on the incel website say women are shallow and that personality doesn’t really matter.. I find it kinda hilarious since chances are they would turn down a girl if they didn’t think she was attractive.
The tea I’m drinking is an old favorite; pu erh hazelberry by adagio. half a teaspoon of sugar. no creamer/milk/etc. something simple for how hectic my mind has been lately.
I’m an imperfect child. I’m weird and not in a cool way. I’m also strange. I’m hung up on the fact that I feel someone stare at me while I sleep and hear my feelings. I’m not eccentric because this isn’t part of my aesthetic. I don’t have a lot of friends. I don’t have a job. I have a cat I love. My sister accepts me and I love her more. I’ve never been intimate with anyone. I’m anxious about making a good impression. A-types scare me. I’m not a hippie. I don’t have good music taste necessarily. I’m an imperfect child. I’m biologically 26 years old and I’m an imperfect child. AND IM DONE TRYIN MAKE SENSE.
