#9.26.24

But sometimes things that he jokes about, or ways he’s responds to me, confuse me. And I think some of that can probably be chalked up to the age gap. But I guess a deep dark part of me always worries a little that he’s getting tired of me. And he never seems like it in person, so maybe things just get lost in translation, but still.

I don’t know - I know I could send or say certain things to someone in my age group and they would just get the humor or the sentimentality or whatever. And really, I guess maybe it isn’t even just my age group - it’s a certain kind of person. And I’ve known he wasn’t that person since I started seeing him - he’s not going to write me poetry or give me big emotional displays, and that’s okay.

But I… when I love someone, I want to share everything. Good, bad, whatever. That’s how I connect. And maybe it’s… wrong? To want a particular response to things? It’s not like you can control people. So I talk to him a lot about work, which probably comes off like I’m complaining, but I’m really just updating him to the ongoings of my day.

Tonight, I sent a video of a dog from tiktok. It was an older couple’s previous dog that has now passed, and it was a very obviously early 2000s video of her running in circles in their yard, at a house they no longer live at. The video was a reminiscence in itself, and something about it struck a cord and I sobbed for a little while. Life is just so short and goes so fast, and it’s so easy to get caught up in things that don’t matter. I shared that with him and he said “you sound like a preacher!” And I know his sense of humor well enough to know that he didn’t mean anything negative by it but like… there are so many responses that would’ve been better than that. I didn’t need him to necessarily understand the way it hit me, or give some profound wisdom. Even just an “aw baby” or something, you know? Just an acknowledgement of a shared feeling - one that I would think is one we’ve all felt at some time or another.

And I wouldn’t be bothered by it, I guess, if I didn’t feel like this was happening more lately. I see him less than I did last year when we first started dating, and I think… maybe it’s just because we’re in different places in life - he’s been married more than once, and this is my first serious relationship - but the longer we’re together, the more I love him, the more I want to be with him MORE. I feel that somewhat natural pull to cohabitate. We can’t, for various reasons, which is why I’ve never known how long this would last. And I don’t NEED it, by any means, but I think it draws me to want to be closer in any way I can, which usually means interacting more throughout the day by texting, and often, he doesn’t respond at all or doesn’t seem terribly interested. We don’t even talk on the phone every day, and when we do, it’s throughout the work day, fit in between other things. When I talk with him at home, he’s always cutting off to talk to his kids.

So I guess in a lot of ways, I feel like I’m growing the urge to pull nearer, and he’s… not like he was when it was new. He doesn’t come see me as often unless I can’t drive to him, whereas when we first started seeing each other, I wasn’t super comfortable driving yet, so not only would he come pick me up to take me to his house on the weekends, but he’d come see me sometimes on weeknights, too. He’d text me sweet little things for me to wake up to. He called me every single night before bed. And I understand life gets busy - I do. But I guess it’s hard to account for the shift when nothing has really changed in his life. He’s at the same job, has his kids for the same amount of time. He has less money this year than last year because of stuff he’s had to pay out, so we’ve been going to events less, but that’s not a big deal, if other stuff wasn’t different, too.

It was completely unexpected.

What you were doing here is unbeknownst to me.

Now I don't know whether to cry or text you.

I know you're still looking for me, and you're wondering how I'm doing, but the fear of my rejection scares you.

[ID: A light mode screenshot of two messages from the sender perspective. The first is text that reads: “But if I say Yukako slayed I’m wrong.” The second is a link to a pin on Pinterest - a whisper app image with DIO and his stand from JJBA that reads: “he may be a misogynistic evil dog murdering villain to YOU but he’s my little princess.” There is an emphasis reaction to the second text. (End ID).]

9 - 2 - 6 = 2 / √4

Also:

√9 * 2 = 6 = 2 + 4

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