#9.24.19

Liam: Umm, One Direction.

Int: It says here it stands for unity and friendship.

Liam: It does. [smiles] It’s a beautiful message.

"Late Summer/ Early Fall Hues"

Well. About half-way into the day, i realized what was up. I had to take a break from the gym for a while while i healed; well, going last night, the first time in a while, must’ve set me off-balance, making my liver extremely angry. 

The good news is that my liver is so irritated, that for the first time I’m able to actually feel and distinguish what my liver chi feels like. I mean it was hard not to, my body was just buzzing with it lol. The bad news is that i don’t know enough qigong to do anything about it. I mean i did some qigong, and i tried some other techniques i saw and i even did a little playing around on my own, and now i’m feeling okay. But 

I don’t know, i guess i’m a little bit frustrated?? It’s like I have this new body, and i know nothing about it or how to take care of it, so every time something happens to it I have to go see my acupuncturist. That seems very inefficient, and expensive. 

I’ve been holding off on really digging into Chinese medicine until i actually go to school for it, but i think that i’m going to have to dig into it much sooner than i thought. Also, i'm thinking about continuing my qigong classes with my current acupuncturist, if he’ll let me. He told me i should wait at least 6 months between courses, but I guess we’ll see what he thinks. I trust him 200%; he is one of strongest people i’ve ever met energetically.

Speaking of chi, I went to the library and found some good books on Feng Shui, and i’ve been reading into it a little bit. I still have quite a bit to read up on, but i find it quite interesting. My current take on it is that there are 2 main aspects of Feng Shui: how chi interacts with your home and in your living space, and then the 2nd aspect is about Chinese astrology and your elemental makeup and how to balance your home around that.

I’m mainly interested in how chi interacts with your living space, and so far i haven’t been disappointed with that. However, i’m still unsure about the whole Chinese astrology thing. I mean I’m still unsure about regular (I guess “mainstream”) astrology, and Chinese astrology is much different. It’s more elemental-focused, and from what i’ve seen I’m not entirely sure that it resonates with me?? BUT at the same time, every time that i’ve doubted Taoist science, it has come back to surprise me and prove me wrong. So I guess i’ll do my best to keep an open mind to it.

Anyways, that’s it for now. I’m going to do some more meditation to hopefully calm this inner heat and then go to bed.

You are so brilliant you must be temporary, looking for some far off place to make your home.

I don’t blame you for wanting to leave here. I wish you every happiness, every beautiful, good thing,

but I won’t pretend my heart doesn’t sink when I think about you being far away.

and there’s that guy. that I tell I really want to be friends with. but I don't think I wanna be his friend. I want some kind of validation, but I think it’s just a result of him giving up on me. It feels crazy that I care so much and we hung out twice but I shared a space of time with someone and I don't see how that can't matter to someone. how can that not matter. it frustrates me that I can't get to him. ever since I commented on his communication style, he's been closed off. It fucking hurts. 

and I have this messy fucking shit with this girl. and I feel like space has been made and I don't know how but we’ll see. maybe a blessing in disguise. I just want to love someone. thats all I guess. It just annoying because this requires a deep dive. I need to really sit with this because I have people that love me and care about me but the people I want to play important roles in my life, always fail in some way. I need to be going after people that healthier for me. I just don't know who that could be yet. obviously what I think is my type, is not. what the fuck do I know rn. and im always so damn tired when it comes to doing most school work. fuck.

I wish I could order a quinoa taco bowl from mouna’s job rn but I can't cause I gave my mother some fucking money for a bill and she still hasn't payed me back and discover took out for the house loan and mouna doesn't have the damn money so my account is in the negative and I really have is 7 fuckin dollars. and I don't wanna call my dad for some money that I shouldn't even be spending. what a fucking waste.

In all likelihood I will be one of the 50% of people with bipolar disorder to attempt suicide.

Please don’t be angry with me.

As much as I’ve  been determined to not become just another statistic,

I’m  only human & there is only so much pain that can be endured.