Oct 2, 2019
10.2.19 | Wednesday
THIS WEATHER HAS GOT TO GO..
IT IS 87* DEGREES RIGHT NOW
SEND HELP IM DYING
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10.2.19 | Wednesday
THIS WEATHER HAS GOT TO GO..
IT IS 87* DEGREES RIGHT NOW
SEND HELP IM DYING
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Honey thoughts
I just don’t care enough. Feels bad to say but I can’t even bring myself to feel that bad about it. It’s mostly when I’m depressed, when I’m low all my empathy goes away and I don’t care about anyone.
I don’t care and I got bored a year ago but in an attempt to be a slightly better person I’m sticking it out, and a bit selfishly I enjoy it. But I just like new shiny relationships, but they get boring sooooo quickly.
I feel bad, I feel manipulative and abusive, and the way you treat me does little to dissuade that feeling.
I don’t care about most people and it’s probably something I should bring up in therapy but man. Easier to pretend I’m normal. Everything gets boring and too much effort and disappoints me, cause nothing is ever as sweet as I get to imagine. I love ideas, I don’t care about people.
Sigh sometimes I think we were made in a lab to be the worst pair we could possibly be. I can’t believe we’re making it work sometimes. We are both at one of the worst point in our lives and neither of us can properly support the other. I don’t believe we’ve been dating for over a year at this point cause I still think of you saying, you don’t know me, two weeks into us calling, and I wonder. Sigh, I don’t know. I want to know you, more than that I want to be known by you, but it makes me feel shitty that it’s taken us a year and a half to get this far. I feel like you don’t know me at all, cause you act terrified to death of me, and that makes me feel so unbelievably bad. But you can’t help it, and I can’t bring it up, because your working on it already and at one of the worst point of your life. And, I feel like we barely talk anymore, it feels like the honeymoon phase is over and we’ve moved in and only exist in the same space now, too busy too separate for simple talk. There’s a hole inside of me that doesn’t care that I have a partner, it still is empty. I don’t know what to do.
My secret is I’m emptier than you. You can love me, I don’t know if I can. I can do all of the motions but not enough to reassure you. And you can’t be perfect enough for me. I keep dreaming of a white savior and I feel bad, but I don’t like having to be the brave one in a relationship. I don’t want to save anyone I want to be saved. Selfishly I know, but not selfish enough cause don’t worry I won’t abandon my post. I’ll be the rock until I break down, sorry I keep breaking down, I’ll work better to love you.
Everynight for the past month, ive gone to sleep lonely and with the feeling of being nothing in the eyes of most people heavy on my chest.
I need everybody to love about me,,,, to care about,,,, to obsess over me. And yet no one is. Im tyring so hard. Im being so much better than ive ever been and still its not good enough. Im afraid ill never be that good at talking to people and making connections. I let opportunities slip like sand like years through my fingers. I dont know what I have to do. I dont know what I have to change. Its okay ill figure it out, ill change whatever I have to. And then Ill be loved. Like a normal human. And itll be beautiful
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I feel so, unbearably lonely. I feel like I’m going through life without touching the sides, without touching anyone. I feel like a ghost. I feel such a profound alienation I want to cry.
And I know people more socially anxious than me and still I feel worse, more fucked than them, fucked in a different worse way and and they’re okay and I’m not. And people with autism never look like me or act like me and I feel so fucking different I want to rip my insides open and figure out what separates me from the humans. Because there has to be something, something that lets everyone else talk and stops me. It’s not trauma or the autism it’s me it’s something more it’s something worse. I’m not ever going to be able to be normal like everyone else and I just need to make peace with that.
There’s no fixing this, because what is wrong is so fundamental you can’t just fix it.
Been bad lately. I think im getting worse, which is insane becuase im happier than ive ever been. I have more friends than Ive ever had. I mean I guess I should be greatful, this is the proof ive always wanted that im real life depressed and not just faking it. Every third day at this point, my mood drops and I cant talk, cant work, cant do anything you mindlessly scroll because if I stop ill just start wishing I was dead. And I feel so bad because I dont want to just complain all the time, but also I need to be there for them, a hundred percent of the time and I cant I cant. It hurts and I get so tired and sad and angry I want to scream at it to grow up. And thats not nice or fair but. I cant be perfect, I cant be the rock all the time and it makes me so mad, im just mad at myself but im scared one of these days im going to lash out. I just dont want to feel like this anymore.
Oh okay.
I dont want to upset him in anyway but sometimes I just cant bring myself to care. I deal with this, the way I survive this, is by shutting down, by going blank and just tanking everything. But that doesnt work here when the end goal is not me hurt and sorry. I know im not going to walk out of this conversation borderline suicidal, but my brain still reacts like its talking to my mother. And fuck that text message did not help. And now I just find myself saying the words im supposed to say and saying sorry like I destroyed someones life.
I keep forgetting Im allowed to be alive and talk about myself. Sorry.