#8.22.24

[ID: A dark mode notes app screenshot. It is a bullet point that reads “Black Hermit Purple keeps telling Black Joseph to kill himself so they don't have to hear it play on the radio anymore.” (End ID).]

8 / 2 = 2 + 2 = 4

Also:

i’m mad that we’re broken up in the first place because of the actions of violence you took against me

i’m mad that we’re even further apart now because you’ve thrown me away multiple times

im mad that i dont trust you because of how easy it is for you to say you never want to hear from me again

i’m mad at who you make me into when you refuse to respond to my calmer communication and then i get escalated too

i’m mad that i can’t tell you these things because our communication isn’t better

i’m mad that i have to tell you these things at all

i’m mad that you won’t naturally see the decisions that are best for our family

i’m mad that you’re considering fostering cats as a punishment because i have Juno

i’m mad that i even have to keep Juno from you because you threw us away

i’m mad that - distance or not - i still always think of our family first

im mad that you’re considering going to even more events where you can fall in love with animals that aren’t ours instead of focusing on how to better our family

i’m mad that you’re not in a place in your healing where you can just sit with uncomfortable truths instead of always having to keep busy and have something to focus on

i’m mad that i used to have the life i always wanted, and now everything is a struggle

i’m mad that when i finally started to have hope in what we were building it was snatched away from me once again

i’m mad i have no one with me. no one to hug, tell my thoughts to, share dinner with and time with. no one to hold me, no one to fuck me, no one to tell me i’m pretty

im mad that i miss you so much, and i feel like if i go back to you in the way you want im just opening myself up to being hurt again

and i’m already so so mad for all the times you hurt me in the past.

i never want you to think everything is your fault. i have a lot of ownership in this and im sure there’s a lot you could be mad at too. but i can’t hold this energy inside me. i am honestly so mad.

i’m mad that this is happening at all

im mad i cant share my true feelings with people because i know they wont forgive you

i’m mad that i don’t know which version of you i’m going to get next

i’m mad that i even have to guess

i’m mad because i don’t deserve so many of the things you put me through

and im mad that in your version of the story, you believe many of your actions are justified

i’m mad that i no longer have my person. the one who looks out for me, who cares about me, who knows who i am

i’m mad i no longer get to be that person for you

i’m mad for our animals who are not as happy apart as they are together

and i’m so, so mad that you can’t see it’s the decisions you’re making that are pushing us further apart

i’m mad that i see these things happen, but i’m mad that it’s always on me to fix things

i’m mad that if i told you the truth, we would argue

i’m mad that it’s so hard to have a conversation with the real you because all these other “yous” get in the way

i’m mad that i wanted to marry you, made decisions in my life as if i would, told people, posted you, bought a diamond ring - im mad that i believed in our future and now it’s gone

i’m sad when you make plans that don’t include me, but i’m also sad when you assume we can hang out. the latter makes me sad because i want to, but i don’t trust you right now

you’re asking me to make plans two weeks from now and the literal first thing that comes to mind is you could throw me away for any reason before then. any reason. no reason, just any reason.

and if that were to happen i’d be so mad at myself. so, so mad because i knew better. because you showed me your actions and i still chose to believe your words. at that point, i think it may be too much for me. at that point, i wont know what to do

but this situation hurts me a lot. i don’t want to be without you, but i can’t repeatedly be hurt like this. i can’t save myself for someone who will throw me away if they wake up on the wrong side of the bed.

while i’m glad you’re on your healing journey - this is twice now you’ve thrown me away after a bad therapy session. i don’t deserve those things and it makes it hard for me to want to have you back, trauma or not. i have my own trauma here too and this shit is killing me

Que hermosa la noche,

Que hermosa,

Que hermosa para dedicarte

Su belleza y su canción