#7.23.15

If you take a word    & dissect it down: Latin roots,   etymology,  letter form    the power behind it becomes highlighted,     knowledge burns —  all language is reborn, Think of Martin Luther          with the Reformation— Martin Luther King Jr           with a dream that     came true —        through words, merciful power is achieved.

Go on, sweetheart, his mother said.

One time, the child said. He giggled and then broke into laughter. The mother smiled in apology.

One time I was in the park, he said. And I tried to catch a bird, and it flew away and pooped all over daddy.

He laughed again and his father hid a smile behind his hand.

They held out a piece of candy and the boy said Thank you! with a bright voice and put it in the hat. Then the parents waved and the child turned around and they were gone.

They shut the door and went back inside.

The children all came early. There were some as young or younger as the first one and for some it was their first holiday. Most came with both parents but some came in groups without any parents at all and told stories together. Others came alone. But there were none yet who were even of age and the parents did not tell stories.

They had bought candies from Rieson's this year and the children clamored after them, but it was one piece per story as it had always been. Some who came alone told several stories a minute or so each but it was against tradition to do so and most had only one to give. Each time they shut the door they ate the candies themselves too many at a time and grinned at each other through stuck teeth.

They heard the ninth bell tolling and then the tenth. The children were older and most of them were not of age or barely were but their stories nonetheless were sharper. Some talked of going out in the City or of things learned in school but others of love lost. Others talked of friends or family who had passed and they put aside the candy and took the bottle from beside the door and started pouring glasses. They sipped at it themselves after they closed the door and felt the sharpness mingle with the sweet.

Soon there were tottering adults who had had too much to drink already and they told stories incomprehensible through their slurring. There were some who did it for free drink alone and said little more than a sentence before calling for the bottle and these they poured for to avoid trouble and then sent them away. Others scorned the drink entirely but told stories even so.

I lost my son, one of them said. They sent him to war and the war sent him back. Nothing worth seeing they told me. I looked anyway and I wish I hadn't.

He did not ask for a drink but moved on down the neighborhood. They looked at each other and shut the door for only a moment before they were set upon by three more. Laughing and drunk already and in good bright spirits all of them. I am in love with this woman, the boy said. They all broke out in laughter again and leaned over until they were bent double. There was another girl with them and she was laughing too, more quietly.

The girl who the boy had spoken to was the first to stand, and she straightened up in a posture of mock seriousness. I was in my parents' house, she said. And my parents were gone. She pulled the boy closer and he laughed and pushed her away. We decided we were going to have sex. We can't do that very well in our apartment because the walls are so thin—

Why are you even telling them this, the boy said, but he was laughing.

—and because I'm so loud that everyone can hear it. And my parents have a house to themselves so we didn't have to worry about it, and it's all stone. So we get on the bed upstairs, and I'm screaming—I always want to be loud but I have to be so quiet, so I'm screaming my head off, making as much noise as I can—

Ceida, the other girl said, but said nothing else.

—and eventually we finish, and we're lying there, and I hear the door bell ring. So I start to get up and get dressed and then I realize it's not our doorbell. It's the neighbor's. And the only reason I can hear it is because the window's open. So I go up to shut the window and look over the sill and there's a whole group of people there and when I poke my head out they all start clapping. Like I was giving a performance—

Stop, the boy said, and he could barely speak through his laughter and was trying to cover her mouth but she kept moving away.

Give me a drink, the girl was saying, still laughing, and they poured her one and handed it to her and she drank it and gave back the glass.

The other girl was watching them and smiling in some gentle way now. She opened her mouth and then closed it again and looked around at them. She blinked and then there was a spike of memory driven down into their heads that wedged apart their other thoughts and it was the sum of years of memory condensed. There was a girl she had known who she had been with one night and then found again by chance a season later. There were memories of nights alone in warm silences watching the stars or the lights of the City and making meals that they cooked and ate without a spoken word. Nights in bed wrapped up in each other without so much as a whisper. They were years together and then one day she had gone out and not come back. All her things in the apartment left untouched and no note left nor any sign as to where she had gone. A year after with each day spent in breathless hope but no sign of her was found nor any body and she still could not move on.

When they looked down they saw that her hands were clenched in fists. She uncurled them.

Route:  Badger State Trail, there and back again Bike:  Freedom Total Distance:  16.9 miles Total Time:  59 min Average Speed:  17.3 mph

finished season 4 of the x-files

made a really delicious salad

went shopping for veggies at the farmer’s market

first time in over a week that my hour of yoga has not been interrupted by someone

It’s been more than two months now.. A couple days ago we finally talked after exactly two months of not hearing from you. If I am going to be honest, I do not feel as if I learned or changed much. I am still the same girl. I guess I’m still letting the dust settle. I’m going through a lot when it comes to this because I’ve come to a lot of realizations.. I have to face more than I thought. I never properly gave myself time to get over my first relationship so that fucked up our relationship. The reason why you broke up with me is because of some personality / character issues.. good enough reasons for you to do so if you believe we are not right for each other. The thing is, I understand that. I understand everything and I even agree. We weren’t right for each other but at the same time, we were... It hurts that I don’t give up on people and that you could give up on me so easily and abruptly. I could never apologize enough for what you’ve been through.. You were great to me. You really were and it was really me that was the source of our problems. You’re not the perfect fit for me. But is there anyone out there that is the perfect fit for me? Does that exist? Is that real? My heart aches. I miss you dearly.. I just really wish you were still around. Sometimes memories come back into my mind and it breaks me down..

Losing you has been rough. It’s the kind of sadness that eats away at you.. it’s the kind of sadness that makes you feel so horrible that you feel the need to throw up but you can’t. Because it’s there and it’s stuck with you until it passes. Sometimes missing you is brief, sometimes it comes and stays with me all day..

I think about you everyday.. for the majority of the day. My chest aches. And I understand. I think it’s how much I understand the situation that makes it so hard. I want to be better.. I will be better. I have no idea how long it will take.. 

I understand that we are not right for each other. When you muttered the words “It just wasn’t the relationship I was looking for” a piece of me died. That piece of me mourns, that piece of me crumbles, that piece of me understands. Through understanding is where it hits. It’s because I know.. I knew.. I’ve known.. but it hurts because we both held on for so long. We both wanted it to work so bad and I know that. I couldn’t change when I was with you.. you couldn’t change to fit the mold for me either. The truth is.. neither of us should have to change. There are individuals out there that will be very compatible with us.. I understand that our relationship was hard. I understand that there was aspects that made it difficult. I understand that really, our love was mediocre. I understand.. everything. 

Accepting is another story. I guess, for the most part I do accept the cards that have been dealt to me because I can’t change anything. There’s nothing I can do to get you back. But the thing is.. my soul isn’t letting me completely accept this yet. I mean, I don’t expect for myself to be over this in just two months but.. I find it difficult for me to accept what’s coming. I’m gonna have to be alone but that’s not so bad.. I could be alone.. but I have to be without you. I can’t even put my thoughts into words but.. I know that understand our relationship, what happened, why it ended, why you stopped talking to me, what will happen next, what needs to happen next, and what could possibly be in the future (us being strangers completely or us talking occasionally with no real ties.. no content). I understand that. I understand why we are in this spot. I even feel bad that we extended it for so long because this was probably the organic destiny anyways.. Actually.. I know it is because things aren’t chosen by us. It is already written in the sun, the stars, and the moon.. but it is so hard for me to grasp the abruptness of this. It’s so hard for me to make light of it. It’s so hard for me to accept because it’s not the destiny I wanted. I wanted more for us. I wish it was us in the end but it’s not..