Hello January 31st! Does anyone else feel like it was the longest January of their life? We already know that the pandemic is warping our sense of time, but is it getting worse (slower) as we barrel toward the 11th month? Maybe it was all the bad, bad news and the anticipation of Trump’s exit from office... idk, but I’m glad it’s over. 

All things considered, I’m wrapping January feeling really good and very accomplished. Here are some of my highlights: 

I’ve been able to “Wake up & Stretch” everyday this month, no misses!

I completed the Blogilates #21DayTone challenge! And actually, I’ve exceeded it; as of today, I’ve been active at least 21 mins per day for 28 consecutive days and I’ve hit the 64 oz water goal everyday, too! As they say, it takes 28 days to form a habit and this is one I’m interested in sticking with. For years, I’ve always taken weekends off from my workout routine, save for an occasional (and always light) hike. What the 21 day challenge showed me is how easy it is to fit a ~20 minute workout into the weekend, especially during quarantine. But, I’ve also decided I don’t need to be intense about it... my plan is to do this “Yoga for the Splits” video on Saturdays and this Sunday stretch, which should get me ever closer to my goal to be able to do splits by the end of the year. 

I read Laura Kang’s Traffic in Asian Women and wrote the review for a journal, which I emailed off on January 25 - hoping this jump starts my momentum for other projects. 

I made banana and oat based breakfast muffins and they are so delicious. 

After years of avoiding them, I tried making an eggplant dish and it was very, very good. Lesson learned: the only eggplants I want to eat are the long skinny Asian ones. Keep those chunky American eggplants away from me. 

I also made waffles out of banana & egg––I adapted a gluten free “pancake” recipe that is literally a mashed banana mixed with 2 eggs. I would suggest adding 2 tbsp of flour (whatever kind suits you best) to help with texture and give them a little more calories. And for flavor, a pinch of salt and cinnamon don’t hurt either. Because I haven’t bought new maple syrup yet, I enjoyed these with peanut butter, a drizzle of honey, and generous sprinkle of cinnamon. 

I “met” a poet on Zoom, who I’ve been corresponding with over email for over a year. After many delays, I read an advanced copy of the poet’s work and talked to him about it. I was so nervous, but it was the most wonderful. 

Some things I’m working on for February: 

Yoga with Adriene’s 2021 “30 Days of Yoga.” I actually tried to do this at the same time as 21 Day Tone & it just wasn’t sustainable. So I’m going to start this Monday and complete over six weeks (doing the videos Monday thru Friday). I’ll finish it in mid-March, which seems only fitting (given how I started this at-home fitness with the 2020 “30 Days of Yoga” in the middle of last March).  

Continue reading/finish the poetry collection Inclined to Speak (Arab American poets)

Get a library card (from the public library).

Some things to keep tabs on as we move into February: 

How long I linger in bed. I’ve been less snoozing or on my phone/social media, which has been a weakness in the past; now, I just stay huddled under the blankets working up the nerve to face the cold, drafty air of my new apartment. This week, I shrink wrapped all the windows and Aaron brought me an old space heater he doesn’t need. If I hit the power on the space heater with my first alarm, I’m hoping it’ll be warm enough by the second alarm (10 min later) to get me out of there. 

Hello, 2021! It’s been a while, Tumblr. 

Given 2020, it seems strange to set goals for the new year ahead. Yet, here we are...

This is a work in progress organized by categories for now; I’m not sure yet if I can muster a 21 for 2021 or a 52 list as I’ve done in years past.

Fitness:

Nine months of stay at home have forced us all to get creative, it seems. I started strong with this in March, when a friend invited a group to do Yoga with Adriene’s 30 Days of Yoga series, aptly called “Home” (having released it in January, I guess Adriene couldn’t have known). I was a bit nervous. The last time I’d done Adriene’s 30 Days of Yoga (January 2016), I injured my wrist and it took about 8 weeks to heal/recover; then, for me, about a year to get back on the yoga mat; and when I did, I would only go to professionally guided classes. So this March, I started slow with an every-other-day routine. l had some trouble forming a habit, though, especially on the weekends, so I shifted to a Monday through Friday commitment; this, I found much more compelling because soon enough, the yoga sessions marked the end of my (at home) workday and the start of my evening “me time.” This yoga habit is one of the better “silver linings” that I exit 2020 with.

Other fitness activities have been hit or miss all quarantine long. I’ve had a fairly strong habit of 20-30 minute daily walks and when I was still in Colorado, I tried to get on the hiking trails each week. Still, I had to lower my daily step goals from 10,000 of the past many years of using fitness trackers, to the far more realistic 5,000. With the gym closed, living in a studio apartment, walking was all I could really manage; and being the stress chef that I am, from March through June (like many), I saw the scale going up ever so slowly. When I got to Ohio, where I’ve tried teaching remotely while living with my parents, I had much more luck thanks to the wide open spaces of their farmland, an enthusiastic walking buddy in their 10-year-old Pomeranian, and both an elliptical (mom’s never realized New Year’s resolution in 2017) and a treadmill (perhaps from the early 1990s). Yet, living with my parents has seemed to wreck my diet, both because they’re such meat eaters, my stress eating (provoked by Zoom university and them), and all the fall/winter holiday foods I can’t resist). While I haven’t been gaining as I was earlier this year, my weight has hovered at 140, about 10 more than I want.

Now, I’m packing up once more and heading to a new state and my own apartment once again. I’m excited to take control of my own grocery shopping, food prep, and space again, but I’m nervous about saying goodbye to the cardio machines and the wide open spaces. It seems, just in time, a friend has introduced me to Cassey Ho’s Blogilates channel and monthly workout calendar, a trove of at home cardio and Pilates  videos that are apartment friendly and largely equipment-free. I started incorporating these into my routine in early December and enter the new year four weeks ahead of the curve on habit-formation. So, here are some fitness goals for 2021:

Daily, 10-min wake up & stretch video 

January 4-25, I’m tackling the Blogilates #21DayTone

After that, my workout routine will be: 

Monday thru Friday, Yoga with Adriene video

Monday thru Friday, Blogilates video(es)

By Dec. 25, 2021, I want to be able to do the splits

Buy a new yoga mat: I’ve had the same one since college (12+ years!), so it’s past due, and I feel really compelled by the product placement in Adriene and Cassey’s videos. And Target just started carrying Blogilates products. But, given how much I now am using my mat these days, it feels like an investment rather than a once-in-while accessory. And actually, I might buy two. Are there recommended folding mats for that are easy to pack when traveling? I’m traveling by car most often now, so it isn’t the worst to bring mine rolled, but when we can resume plane travel...

Work/Productivity:

My research has seriously suffered during the pandemic. There are a lot of explanations: grief and depression and a daily onslaught of bad news; my contingent status in the academy and the overall trash fire of the profession’s unpredictable financial future; and being completely unsettled in my home life while working from home. I’ll feel a lot better if I can produce some writing that I like, so after I get settled in the new place, I have some goals...

First, I’ve arranged to do a book review, which is due February 1, which I hope will be the gateway to feeling like I accomplished something.

Then, I’m aiming to draft this article I’ve been wallowing with for most of 2020. My “deadline” is June 30, which I hope is both generous and realistic, given that the new semester promises more of the same at global Zoom university.

To help me achieve these goals, I’m re-instating one of my dissertation writing techniques, which is a minimum of 40 minutes of timed writing per (non-teaching) day. Many days, those 40-minute writing intervals got repeated 4-5 times; but there are just some days where 40 minutes is all I have, whether its for scheduling reasons or for bandwidth or because it’s the weekend.

Sleeping & waking:

A constant, it seems, is to work on sleep and waking habits. Actually, my sleep habits have improved drastically over the past several years. During the pandemic, I’ve maybe even been sleeping more than ever. And as such, it’s my waking habits that have suffered, given the drastic disruption of routines and the total collapse of any separation between living space and workspace. I’m used to waking up about two hours before I need to be somewhere or do something; I take long showers and like to linger over breakfast. For months now, I find myself lingering in bed for 45 minutes to an hour after my initial alarms, not usually dozing off and repeatedly snoozing them even, but browsing social media (despite there being few updates since the previous night). Subsequently, I feel rushed as I shower, dress, and take in breakfast, hoping that I’ll hit my “home office” space by 9am.

In 2021, I’m striving to…

spend 20 minutes of non-screen activity immediately before bed, whether reading, drawing, coloring, etc.

live by a one snooze limit and get out of bed within 10 minutes of the alarm

also meaning, no social media browsing in bed in the mornings

(as noted above) start each day with a 10-minute stretch routine (even the weekends)

get back to hearty breakfasts… in my rush, I’m reaching for yogurts and various packaged breakfast biscuits or cereals. When I plan ahead and actually prep overnight oatmeal or organize some kind of breakfast bowls, where I only have to add an egg or an avocado in the mornings, I feel much better and my morning work flows more smoothly.

Spending:

Four months living with my parents rent free (down from nearly $1200 a month I was spending on rent), I expected to pad my savings accounts with quite a bit of money in the fall semester, even as I was on a part time salary. But alas, I seem to have not… Like a lot of people, retail therapy has been a favorite way to cope with the pandemic… candles, new boots, a two year supply of Korean facemasks, yet another set of Pyrex, books and more books. I purchased a few things I’ve been putting off for years, including a new laptop (mine was 10 years old) and a proper desk chair (which I’ve never had). In October, I was advised to get new tires before the winter set in ($494). And, my marketplace health insurance plan (including vision and dental), $244 per month… It added up fast.

In the new year, I’ll be on full time salary and have employer benefits, lowering my out of pocket costs on insurance. And although living on my own means my living expenses will surely rise (rent, utilities, grocery, and house supplies), I hope to calm down my discretionary spending once I get the new apartment set up––admittedly, there are some furniture purchases I want to make first (a real couch, a couple bookshelves, a baker’s rack for the kitchen).

Eating/ Recipes:

2020 was such a wreck for my eating habits, even before the pandemic as I navigated my interview schedule, travel, and stress during the tenure-track job market;  and the college’s block schedule (ironically, I was teaching food literature, yet I barely had time to cook or feed myself fresh foods). Then came the pandemic, where I had all the time to cook for myself… and cooking and eating seemed to be the only thing to do. So, I occupied myself planning complicated recipes, brainstorming how to use up any out-of-the-usual ingredients I would need for them. And I also noticed myself picking up new, not healthy habits, like buying non-dairy ice creams on my bi-weekly, masked up and high stress grocery forays. And on top of that, I felt compelled to support local businesses with huge takeout orders that might last me two or three days.

Spring faded into summer, summer into fall and I was settling in for the long haul at my parents’ house. They’re eating habits are generally pretty healthy (my mom has a degree in nutrition after all), but they are also truly midwestern “meal = meat” types. Probably as part of my grad school budgeting, I’ve long adapted to eating meat sparingly, preparing it at home just a few times a month or, more typically, getting it at restaurants while eating mainly vegetarian at home. I also found in my mom’s house that it is stocked with sweets and snacks like it never was when I was a kid––potato chips, cookies, chocolates, sugary drinks. Alone, I manage my inability to resist by simply not buying many of these things, but here they were all the time.

Moving into my apartment this January, it very much feels like I’m setting myself up for success in 2021, as I take control of my grocery trips once more, re-establish my meal prep habits, and dial down meat consumption/dial up veggies.

Here are some recipes I’m excited to try this year:

Oat and banana based breakfast muffins

Crock pot butter chicken

Various waffles (I got a mini waffle maker!), especially scallion waffles; leftover Thanksgiving stuffing waffles; hash brown waffles; and zucchini fritters (I tried to make these on the frying pan last year, but I think I’ll get a better crisp in the waffle maker)

Sweet potato biscuits (for a breakfast sandwich)

Various soups, including Chicken & Hominy Stew with Greens

Hasselback Potato with Cilantro-Peanut Dressing

Cookies: coffee (winter/Christmas), pumpkin (fall)

Read/Watch:

Finish The Bluest Eye (Morrison) - I’ve been stalled on p. 130 since July 2020. Help.

Laura Kang, Traffic in Asian Women

Charles Yu, Interior Chinatown

Tommy Orange, There There

The Lunchbox

History and Memory

Minari

Taxi Driver

End of the year scramble to check some things off my 52 list:

I happened upon these ceramic salt and pepper cranks in the back of a cabinet at my parents house. They had a different set out on the counter and didn't appear to be using them, so they're mine now.

Bath robe & the perfect wallet: check.

I’ve been having a pretty off beat week. It all started with troubles at the airport Monday - a flight home from DC that was indefinitely delayed all morning; around the four hour mark, I gave up and re-booked for Tuesday. Although it was lovely to have a bonus night in the city with Billy, it also threw off my entire week, making me feel really off-kilter and behind on the work I planned for myself. 

(Though, let’s be clear, I’m not really behind, and I did tons of reading during my trip; I’m still working on that academic neurosis where I always feel like I’m a week or a month or a year behind where I need to be.)

If spending four hours in the airport wasn’t bad enough, Monday I also found out my department won’t be funding any 5th year assistantships this year. Though we had never been promised 5th year funding (even if it is a program that most of us are hard-pressed to actually finish in four years), it was still disappointing and sent me into a certain level of panic: no student status; no health insurance; a significantly smaller paycheck. 

My routine errands were disrupted Wednesday afternoon when the starter gave out on my car. So there I was crying in the grocery parking lot waiting for the tow truck. 

I’m grateful that Thursday was so unremarkable and today I was pleasantly surprised when Billy sent me a message to check my mail in the middle of the afternoon. I found two Amazon packages with my name on them and this robe, this wallet, and a pair of running shoes inside. The shoes are a little over the top, but it looks like someone’s been browsing my Amazon wishlist, and maybe my 52 list as well. I know we shouldn’t manage our emotions with consumer goods, but getting these gifts was a refreshing change after a frustrating week. As much as I’m pleased by these particular items - the robe and wallet which I’ve been planning to buy for a while now - I have even more feelings about the thought. That’s what really counts in gift-giving, right? 

Even though gifts aren’t my “love language,” Billy’s incredibly sweet (with one syllable) to want to cheer me up with a few gifts, especially because he can’t be here. You know, to feed me donuts or any of the other things I usually mismanage my emotions with. Or, to make me laugh or let me cry about my car on his shoulder. Or, to get Simba to lick the tears off my face. 

I’m glad he also knows the satisfaction I get from crossing things off my many lists. :D

J: How does Bumble BFF compare with, like, using Tinder? N: I don’t know yet. I keep starting chats and then at some point neither of us bother to respond. J: Oh, so it’s the same?

I followed through with Bumble BFF.

My first Bumble BFF meet-up was great! We met for happy hour and I felt like things went pretty well. I am optimistic.

And this is where I realize that friending apps are exactly the same as dating apps. The app enables the introduction. We build up a good rapport via chat and move forward to texting. We meet in person. Now we exist in a limbo of to be determined whether there will be a second meeting.”

It is a lot like Tinder:

swipe left a lot

swipe right once in a while & be startled when it tells you “it’s a match!”

small talk

forget what you’ve been talking about because you basically keep having the same conversation over and over again

OR... lose interest and never respond

SLASH... notice that other lady hasn’t responded but don’t feel bothered to reinstate the chat either

Actually, one of the most surprising things is how precisely similar my Bumble strategies are to those I employed on Tinder.

LEFT: If you’re real White

SCRUTINIZE ALL PHOTOS FOR A 50% CHANCE:

if you’re a POC or look ambiguous

you have a striking first photo (like Dan with the pop tart selfie, anyone seen him on Tinder?)

LEFT: After I’ve looked at all your photos and then I see you wrote nothing in the profile/bio. I assume you are illiterate. 

75% RIGHT on all Asian Americans

LEFT: if there are children in any photos, even if they are not yours

75% RIGHT if you have a dog. 

LEFT: If you have a Corgi

The biggest difference is obvious: at least Tinder comes with the intrinsic motivation of maybe having sex, if not actually meeting someone really wonderful and developing a real romantic relationship.

Another difference is that I feel bad about swiping left so much. On Tinder, it was kind of fun to be that judgmental. For me it wasn’t even judgmental about appearance -- it’s hard to believe what some of these guys write in their profile like it’s okay to be obtuse because they are good looking. Get out of here.

A short list of Bumble BFF Pet Peeves: 

Over-emphasizing a significant other. Examples: “I love hiking, wine, and my boyfriend”; “married to an amazing man but miss having girlfriends”). We’re allegedly both here to make women friends.  I don’t give a damn about whether you love your boyfriend. It doesn’t matter to me that your husband is superlatively wonderful. I’d like to know something about you. Then again, that you use phrases like this in your bio tells me enough to know I can swipe left.  ...Also... what happened to your women friends from before you had this man?

The main picture is you kissing a man. First of all, I can’t even see your face. Also, see #1.

It’s so unnecessary to say that you are looking for “non-flakes” to be friends with. Who actively recruits flaky people to be their friends? That you take the time to write this out seems catty and I’m swiping left. 

I don’t feel any remorse swiping left on some blonde lady who loves hiking, wine, and her fiance, but apparently misses having girlfriends (which is approximately half the ladies on Bumble BFF). But, on some of these profiles, I’ll swipe left and then feel like, in the name of our shared gendered experiences, I shouldn’t be so harsh. People who seem perfectly nice, should have a chance, right? 

I’ve been browsing MeetUp for something like a year. Ahead of moving to the city, I joined several groups anticipating that I might start attending events and networking so that I could establish some connections before I got down here. As with most things, the best of intentions didn’t translate into actions. 

A lot of events amount to networking happy hours that didn’t seem worth the headache of a run hour drive into rush hour traffic, followed by the drive back; other major events required a financial commitment, like a $10 cover charge or a $25 ticket to a fundraiser; and some just weren’t interesting. 

While I was still tindering, I even went on a date with a guy who was part of one of the same MeetUp groups, but also had never actually showed up to one of the events. Even though we didn’t have subsequent dates, we had a vague agreement to brave an event together that we still haven’t followed through on.

In July, I had finally decided on one. It was a ticketed event that featured a historic tour of a landmark, a cooking demo, and tasting. I was on board. But, two days before the event was cancelled due to a lack of RSVPs/ticket sales - little did most of the group members realize, I guess, that we couldn’t just buy tickets last minute. For the cooking demo and tasting, they needed numbers, an idea of how many people would show up for this thing. That makes sense. 

That was discouraging, and I kind of stopped checking the app for months...

And suddenly it was 2018. 

I got back on MeetUp in January, joined a few new groups and added some events to my calendar. I decided on a book club as a low stakes first foray into MeetUp events. I could show up there and brave a room of strangers knowing that at the very least we’d have a common talking point in this book. 

And I had a great time, even if there are some critiques I’d make. I plan to attend at least a couple more meetings, despite my critiques, hoping to get to know some of these people a little better - to the point where we could add each other on social media and make connections beyond the monthly book discussion. 

I have a strained relationship with coffee. 

Like a lot of us, I started really drinking coffee in college. Back then I was taking iron supplements to treat my anemia. After my doctor pulled me off them, the first cup of coffee I had made me jittery for hours afterward. That year, I gave up coffee for lent, turning to green and black tea for my caffeine fix. 

Still, I love the smell of coffee and the way its bitter flavors compliment a sweet pastry. I started buying decaf grounds at home, and I request decaf whenever I am out. Some days, even decaf can make me jittery. Especially on an empty stomach. And, worse, sometimes they don’t have any decaf...like on Delta flights...and I buckle and I always regret it. 

This year, I want to try really hard to say no to coffee. That’s why I didn’t drink a single cup the whole month of January. As good as I feel when I don’t drink any coffee, I still find myself craving it and I definitely didn’t have any regrets when I brewed a fresh cup on February 1. 

1. Love is a fickle thing, and it takes new forms on any given day. Somedays you’ll wake up in the city you left, with the person you left on your mind, and you’ll desperately wish for that life back. Other days you’ll want parts of it, and somedays you’ll just be happy with the memories. There’s no rhyme, no reason, no logic to your feelings, like always - the best you can do is honor them, and hope for the best.  

2.The things that you’ll miss the most will be weird ones, and the things you’ll be okay without, the memories that will make you laugh instead of cry, will surprise you. 

3. It’s okay to be weak, to backtrack, to wonder. 

4.  A future without that place/person/thing begins to come into view, and it’s terrifying at first, and maybe it will be terrifying always, but you’re going to make it out alive. 

5.  The what-ifs don’t go away, they just change.

6.  No door is ever completely closed, which is both a blessing and a curse as you create something new, and try to have answers to unanswerable questions.

7. You’re never going to have it all together anyways. 

8. You’ve spent your whole life being soft, and listening to logic instead of your heart isn’t going to change that. And, side note: soft is different from weak anyways.

9.It’s not easy, but you’ll begin to be happy it isn’t.