#5.26.22

I’m good. I can get through it most days and not think about what you did while on deployment or before we got married or during our marriage. Most of the time I can handle it and get it out of my mind before it really sets in. And then there are all the triggers I have that bring it back so easily and it gets to me. When someone mentions the sex store you use to go to, or I watch a movie that has someone of that profession. I can usually catch it quick enough and push it out of my head. Out of sight out of mind kind of deal. But when it gets in my head, my thoughts wander. I don’t think you would ever do something like that again. I have no 100% guarantee but I would hope you’ve learned your lesson by now that you hurt the people around you by doing it. Including yourself even more. But I will never have every answer I need. I know you’re not telling me the 100% truth. I know it started before we got married. I know there was more than 3 that you physically met up with. I know there’s more. My gut tells me there’s more. All the signs point to there being more. My intuition tells me there is so much more that I will never know. I don’t know why you can’t tell me everything. I don’t know why it’s so easy for you to hide something like that from me. And I still feel stupid. For not knowing. You had been doing it or contacting them since before we got married. A year and a half and I had absolutely no clue. But why would I? You were my best friend. The one who hurt me once in 2017 by cheating on me with another girl, and then hurting me again with a girl of the same name. You learned your lesson. At that point you knew better. But you didn’t. And it’s my fault for assuming you knew better. It’s my fault for expecting you to be a better man because you had wronged me so many times already. I was wrong. I should have seen you for who you were rather than the 18 year old boy that was still living in my head. And living in my heart. But that boy is gone. No matter how much I love him and would do anything for him, he’s not here anymore. It hurts but life goes on and life changes you. I married the man that had gone through it. That had been through war and heartbreak and didn’t talk to his mom like the 18 year old boy did. I should have known. I should have saw how much you changed but I didn’t. I wanted to keep you at 18. But you’re learning. That’s it. You. Are. Learning. You’re learning how to soft again. How to love me right. How to be a better man. How to treat people the way they deserve and how to find the foundation that built you. The one you grew from. I may never get all my answers. I will never get that 18 year old boy back. But all I can do is live in the moment. Make every moment last and make the best of it that I can. That starts with trying to trust you. I gave you a second chance. After I found out what I did, I stayed. I tried. I am still trying. I will keep trying until, god forbid, you give me another reason not to. You know what you did was wrong. You know better now. I’m trying to push into my head that you know better now. It’s hard….but I think we’ll be okay. One day.

In some parallel universe, we kept the promises we made to one another.