#4.4k

Although he wasn’t complaining, it made him happy to see Robin so happy. He knew you felt the same, he was so sure. He just wished you two would get on with it! Even if Robin couldn’t exactly ask every babe who came into the store out, like Steve could, he still offered if she needed any of his ‘natural charm and allure’ to be graced with for the weekend, since she was seemingly born lacking. But that just got him with even more tapes stacked in his arms.

Although Steve did give Robin the great idea of making it a three day weekend. Since both of them were owed a shift swap with two other employees, after they both caught them calling in sick to work, only to try and break in after hours to bone in the stock room. You already had the Friday free, so Steve could drive you all that morning! Robin loved having a mom of the group, not that she was gonna take him for granted, but it at least gave her less things to worry about. She’d already had to borrow Steve’s deodorant towards the end of the day, after planning the trip now you’d thankfully said yes. He liked being in charge and on top of things! He at least swore that he’d be a good wingman. Even though he was always, he really wanted you two together. But this time, he’d push his best friend just a little, if she needed it.

But after he’d driven you all a few hours to the motel, Steve started complaining that he didn’t feel well. He still insisted he could carry some of the bags, while Robin grabbed an extra of yours, smiling with a raise of her shoulders. But as Steve collapsed onto his bed in the motel, he started saying he felt sick.

You both wanted to make sure he was okay, Robin checking his forehead as you looked in Steve’s bag for painkillers for his headache. Since Steve had been very meticulous with packing for the 3 day trip, even micromanaging to make sure you two brought essentials. Even though you both knew Steve would have spares for you.

You managed to find a bucket while you were getting Steve some water in the bathroom, bringing it to his bedside where he was curled up, before taking a step back, into Robin’s side, as you asked with the most sympathetic tone you could muster if he felt like he was gonna be sick. Robin grabbed your arm, rubbing it up and down, with your exposed skin since it was so hot outside, and you gave her a thankful look. She knew you hated vomit.

But Steve swore he was fine. Even as you and Robin rubbed his back, he said he was just gonna take a nap. Rest in for the rest of the day, and maybe he could join you two for dinner. But he encouraged you both to go out and have fun. At least it was a good thing you guys had three days.

Robin agreed with you to stay for an extra 15 minutes, just to see if the painkillers kicked in, which you both knew Steve would probably bluff about to stop you both from worrying, even if they didn’t. But as Steve curled up to his new blanket, his eyebrows scrunched up, either in a ‘bleh’ feeling, or simply being tired, Robin shook your wrist gently and asked if you wanted to head out.

Steve still managed to mumble yell about you both taking sunscreen, and you both chuckled as Robin stole some from his bag.

You both tucked him in, Robin fake cooing over the poor baby, as you both left with a sickly sweet “Bye Steve!” But gave him some pats before that, to let him know you meant it.

As you closed the motel door behind you, you both looked to each other and just giggled. Before you took Robin’s hand, and dragged her to the reception desk to go grab a map. Steve clearly must’ve been sick, if he’d forgotten to grab one of them.

Although, Robin didn’t actually know if Steve was faking or not. To let you two have the majority of the day together or something. To be fair, he looked like he really needed that nap either way. And you both would have had to leave him to the room if he napped anyway, since you were all sharing a room together, because it was cheaper. Steve got one bed, and you and Robin shared the other. A fact she was internally freaking at. She’d had sleepovers with you before, but nothing this intimate. Nothing like on this three day getaway. Even if you two were just nearly dozing off accidentally while watching a movie or something, Robin knew you got very cuddly when you were tired. So did she, but it still made her bashful.

You two had visited some of the local stores, before taking a long walk on the beach. Robin had laughed with you, talked about old memories, even shared gossip, but she hadn’t told you her feelings for you yet. To be honest she’d forgotten! Robin was too busy having fun with you, really enjoying her time. She’d forgotten she was supposed to be building up to asking you out by the end of the weekend.

It hadn’t really been that long a walk anyway, because you were desperately complaining of your need for food. So you’d both been trying to find an exit to the beach, that’d lead you back to civilisation. You were on your way to an ice cream stand Robin had spotted, near enough you could tell it sold ice cream by the small statue on top, but not nearly close enough to make out any words on it yet.

But you’d gotten tired, and asked Robin to sit with you for a few minutes. Robin had helped you sit down, worrying you and Steve were actually sick, but you’d just giggled when Robin held your elbow, gently leading you onto the sand at the top of the beach, easily sitting yourself down as you told her “You’re sweet.” Something that did not go over Robin’s head, while you rummaged to get her water bottle out her bag, that you two were sharing. Like usual, because of course you still forgot to pack water for a day out in the sun. Damn Steve for forgetting to mom them on that one, Robin thought.

As she watched you chug at her bottle, Robin was tempted to buy you a drink herself, to be your knight in shining armour that way. ...But, she also kinda liked the domesticity of you two sharing of bottle. Not even in an ‘ooh it’s an indirect kiss way’, although heck yeah she couldn’t help but think about it, it was just sweet to share like that, she thought.

“Ughhhhh. Robbbb, I’m hungry.” You whined, leaning on her chest dramatically. You were both in swimsuits, but with shorts, and low cut tops too. Meaning your head was nowhere near the top of her shirt, as you laid on her.

Robin laughed. “Well I told you, if we went down the boardwalk they had those cute little cafes! But nooo. You-“ Robin flicked her finger against your nose “wanted to go rockpooling first!” Robin couldn’t help but smile the entire time she talked with you. She could never actually be mad at you, she only ever teased you in jest.

You pouted, but your eyes were smiling back. “I only wanted to cause I know you’ve been waiting to all week.”

Robin’s ears started burning. She rubbed her hands on her exposed knees, trying to bite back a smile that’d be too wide. “Thank you.” It made a fire stir in Robins chest that you’d remembered she’d been wanting to do that since you guys planned the trip. She hadn’t been rockpooling since she was a kid, and she wanted to explore them again. Robin also wanted to come back to Hawkins with pockets full of neat rocks, although that was a separate mission.

“Well, the ice cream stand isn’t that far away. We can make it when your legs decide to start working again.” Robin promised, second guessing herself, but deciding to pat your shoulder anyway. It shouldn’t be weird, she’s done that a million times. She’s touched you way more that that! Yeah she was touching your naked shoulder and bikini strap only, since the strap of your flowy shirt had sunk a little... but really it wasn’t that weird, among friends right? You were both girls. You both had bra and bikini straps! Surely you wouldn’t think anything of it, that she touched them? She was just patting your shoulder! Although the whole point of this weekend was supposed to be that you thought about Robin’s actions more, that they were slightly risqué and that Robin actually makes a move!

You hummed, hungry. And then, you looked up a little bit, to see the cute new thing Robin had bought earlier. With a different type of hum this time, you reached up Robin’s chest, and played with her colourful candy accessory. “Your necklace is so pretty Robin.”

Now it was Robin’s whole face that was blushing. She just hoped you couldn’t feel the heat through her chest. “Thank you.” She responded, remembering how you’d tugged on it when Robin first came out of the seaside sweet shop, and how her legs nearly gave out with all the carnal thoughts that ran through her mind when you did that.

She’d also bought a pacifier lolly for poor Steve, and you’d bought a sweet in the shape of a spade. Which’d been all you’d eaten all day, with Steve ushering you to his car since you’d slept in.

Only a few seconds after she’d thanked you, Robin looked on in stupor, as you aimed forward, and chomped down on her. She felt the scrape of your teeth pulling at her necklace, and even more so, your lips, below her collarbone but just above her cleavage. And in a panic, Robin shoved her hand into her chest, blinking in shock as she tried to take in what’d just happened, and how the feeling of your mouth on her chest still lingered. “Errr, what’re you doing?”

You only looked at Robin like what you were doing was normal, and like she was being unreasonable. It was really confusing Robin’s already flustered thoughts.

“What? I told you I was hungry.” You reasoned, before a sigh that blew away a few strands of your cute hair gained Robin’s attention, but not more so than what you did next. “Pleeeeease? I’m dying here!” You collapsed dramtically into Robin’s lap.

Robin laughed, a little, as she tried to push down her feelings of you laying on her there. You’ve rested your head there before, of fucking course, you guys were good friends, but it was different right now. Especially as you wriggled around a little, cradling the side of Robin’s hips to do so, and you looked up at her, with those puppy eyes. “Please?” You begged again. And Robin was dying with you peering way up at her like that from below.

Robin was bowled over, and all she could do was watch, as you seemingly tested your limits, climbing up her gently, moving onto her lap, as you moved your mouth to another piece of her necklace. Robin held her breath as you, while keeping eye contact with her, slowly mouthed around a piece near her neck, picking at it. “-taste so sweet...” you mumbled against her skin, with the candy in your mouth. But Robin could not tell if you said ‘they’ or ‘she’ tastes so sweet... If Robin was pink before, now she was entirely red.

“Y-Yeah. Okay then.”

When you smiled against her chest like that, Robin felt like she could breathe again, even though it came out sharp through her closed off mouth.

She could see it moving your hair. Although she didn’t know that secretly, you actually thought her breath smelt really nice right now too.

You didn’t thank her out loud. Instead, you thanked her with a kiss to her cheek.

Robin didn’t know how she held down her squeal at that. She didn’t think she consciously stopped herself anyway. Maybe she was just too overwhelmed. But then you bent down again, scanning her neck, and her chest, something that made Robin feel like a piece of meat. And for the only time in her life, when being looked at that way... she liked it. She never knew she would like that look, but you looking at her in that way... fuck...

You placed your hands on either side of her ribs. Holding her gently. Like she was precious. And then one hand slipped down to cradle the curve of her waist, as you finally went at it. Eating the sweet candy.

Robin pressed her legs together. Squeezing them. She hoped you couldn’t tell, since you were still sitting in her lap. And she felt almost dirty for even feeling that way. But she couldn’t help it. Not when you were holding her like this... not when your breath, and lips, and teeth, and drool, and tongue were at her neck, and her chest. Thank god she picked the longer necklace. She had to squeeze her legs together or she thought she was going to burst. Excitement rushed through her body, making her feel even more sensitive than she already was.

You picked up one piece of candy delicately, and slowly, scooping it up with your tongue, against her skin. Robin thought she might actually faint. At least she could blame it on the sun. Not the way a moan nearly slipped out her lips though. That was something Robin was thinking real hard about. Biting her lips intently as she just stared down at you, almost pained with holding back.

As a sound left her neck like you were sucking on the skin there, as well as the pink treat, you peered up at Robin again. “Will you rub sun cream into me after this? On my back, and shoulders, all those nasty places I can’t reach.”

She didn’t mean nasty places like that, don’t be a freak Robin!!!

“Yeah...” Robin promised, although she had to swallow first. Holy shit!

Mentioning Robin touching you though, made her react, because now, Robin really felt the want to touch you. The idea had been planted in her mind and it would not move on. She raised her hand, with a shaky breath she was sure was moving your head, as your cheek was lightly resting against it, while she moved her ringed hand, and softly began stroking through your hair. Caressing your head, and your soft locks, as you kept at Robin’s upper torso.

You, sucking around Robin’s chest, as she nestles her hand over the back of your head, must’ve looked so intimate, Robin thought. Only to shake that thought away, finding it going to some very unchaste places. When in reality, Robin was happy just like this. With stroking your hair.

For a few peaceful seconds both of you were only looking out at the golden beach. Glancing with no thought, at the far off horizon, the sea line crashing into the shore.

Then you placed your hand on Robin’s thigh, and you leaned your chin against her actual chest. And all that tranquility was thrown out the window. Robin still stroked her hand through your hair, but she felt like she was about to explode now. Holy shit, how do you not realise what you do to her? How is it fair to have you like this, only for her to be too scared to tell you, and possibly never be able to actually have you in that official way? Robin desperately wants nothing more than to touch you right now, even though she is already touching you. She wants to kiss you! She thinks about it. Quite hard, as she watches your lips go, against her chest. She wants to touch your own thigh. Just to be able to place her hand on your leg, as you two sit together, and have it be just normal for you two! She wants to be able to hug you close as you lay against her like this, to be able to kiss your head, and for you to feel happy enough to snuggle into her chest, as she speaks softly to you. Loving words. To be able to swap positions, and have you hold her like she’s your everything... And your hand squeezes once more over her thigh as she feels slight dampness against her chest, and she’s set off into those instinctual and physical feelings again. She’s surprised you can’t hear her heartbeat hammering against her rib cage, as you’re laying against her.

Although maybe you can. Or maybe she’s just acting weird. Because that’s apparently why your chin is on her chest and your hand is holding her thigh more securely, as you look up at her with gentle eyes. “Is something wrong? Are you okay?”

You’re asking her so affectionately, and Robin can’t help but stare at your lips. They’re glistening, with the effort you’ve been putting in all this time. And Robin really wants to taste your lips. To taste just how sweet they are right now.

“Nope. Nothing’s wrong. I’m really good.” She promises, unsure how she sounds so cool. Probably from years of lying about her feelings. Something she hardly ever did with you, except for her primary one.

You seem to pick up on something though, because you shuffle more into a sitting position, much to Robin’s dismay, but you still stay on her lap, which she sees as a win. Circling her arms around your own lap, as she holds you.

“Well here, have some. I don’t wanna steal all of it.” You smiled, playing with Robin’s half eaten necklace, as you extended the invitation.

It also meant Robin had to pick up the necklace to eat some of it, instead of having you grazing lightly into her skin the entire time, but Robin didn’t really mind it. She ate a few beads of her treat, enjoying the sweet taste, and realising how you got so addicted into just zoning out and sucking- oh my god Robin stop thinking of that shit!- but another thought was swimming around the brain cell she’d managed to borrow from Steve now he was unconscious. One she was thinking about the entire time you both gnawed on the same piece of string, faces inches away. Until it finally just blurted out of her like word vomit, only half being able to come out as a flirty joke.

“Hey! Uhhh, you know! You know what- you know Lady and the Tramp? This, wel-uhmm, this kinda reminds me. Of that. Do you know?” Robin stammered over that statement/question.

You didn’t respond. Robin gulping, which you would’ve been able to hear from this distance. But instead, you sped up on the three beads that were in your way. And, with a nervous pace, and no thoughts, Robin ate the last one on her side. Only able to sit there and breathe, in anxious shock, until you finally made your way closer, and, after eating the final bead that was pressed against Robin’s lips, you kissed her.

Gently dipping yourself into her mouth, you took Robin’s lips into your own. And Robin’s nerves were quickly replaced by a love she’d needed for so long. Eyes slipping shut as she took in this moment fully, at what she’d been waiting and longing for, Robin quickly kissed you back. The kiss was nothing but even, and deep, and full of love.

She moved her lips against your own, the thick feeling of your lips making Robin feel full, as she moved from hanging onto your bottom lip, to brushing your top one. You tasted just like she dreamed. Robin kissed you back with the same paced ardour as you both moved around. The smallest kissing sound coming as you both barely moved your lips away, only escaping as you moved around. Robin takes your cheek in her hand, as she’s wanted to do for so long, the other picking up your hand that she finds even blind, to hold it. Rubbing it, feeling you, as your other hand goes to her neck. Your thumb rubs Robin’s jaw, and she sighs into your kiss. That sound, finally causing her lips to stutter. And she opens her eyes as you two only just pull your lips away.

Robin’s eyes brush up and down your face. Her hand shuffling to hold your cheek more, nervous but knowing you weren’t going to move away, wanting to hold you like she’d wanted for so long. You raised your held hand to Robin’s own cheek, caressing her warm skin as you kept her hand with your own, and watched as Robin’s eyes fluttered shut, leaning cravingly into your palm, eyes open as she searched yours. Finding that hooded and finally resolved look in them.

Robin always fantasised what her first words would be after she kissed you. But she should’ve known she’d never have been able to be that cool after. “I... I’ve wanted to... I mean, do you- do you feel the same way? I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” She asked, eyes crinkling with tears she dared herself not to come. She didn’t know if she could handle it if you didn’t feel the same way. Not after this. If she’d just thrown herself out there, only to get rejected now.

Only Robin was met with your hands cradling her face so lovingly, so... domestically, that she couldn’t help but sigh against your face. “Robin. I’ve been flirting with you since the day we met. Did you really not notice?”

Robin didn’t know whether to smile or cry. She was afraid she’d do both. Although she didn’t think the snot and sweat combination would do great for her second kiss. “But- I’ve been flirting with you too! I mean, well... I’ve been trying.” Robin’s head bowed down, her freckled cheeks heated. “I thought- I just thought you didn’t...”

“Robin, sweetheart.” You gently lifted her head up, and any shame Robin felt dissipated at hearing you call her that. Her blue eyes watery as she searched yours.

“I get it. I wasn’t sure too... But I could never not love you. I mean... how would that even be possible!” You cracked a smile, trying to make it big, although you felt your eyes stinging now too. Especially when Robin laughed, and a few tears finally spilled down her rosy cheeks. You just thought she looked so beautiful.

“Damn that sapphic curse.” Robin joked, wiping her tears with the back of her hand, only to feel her heart thud in shock when you suddenly leaned forward, and kissed that tear stain right off her cheek. Although she gussed she shouldn’t be shocked by it anymore. ...The thought made her smile even greater.

“Damn right. How could you think I’d want to be any less than your girlfriend? What a ridiculous thought. Glad we broke that damn curse.”

“I’ve no idea.” He said finally, quietly, and watched as Jason’s eyes flicked over his face.

For a moment, it looked like Jason was leaning in, but then the shadows behind them starting shifting, catching Percy’s attention, and the moment was gone. The darkness thickened for the blink of an eye, then Nico stumbled into the light.

Percy scooted away from Jason, allowing Nico to sit between them without hesitation. In the years after the second war, he and Nico finally got their shot at really being friends, and by then Nico didn’t even mind Percy’s touchy habits anymore. Even though Percy always gave Nico the chance to pull away, the other boy rarely did anymore, and he didn’t now when Percy draped an arm over his shoulder. Percy’s fingers stretched out when Nico leaned against his side, brushing over Jason’s neck when he wound his arm around Nico on the other side and just like this, Percy felt at peace.

 The memory fades and for the blissfully sweet moments before he really wakes up, Percy feels as good as in his dreams. For a second, Percy believes that Jason is not gone. that it wasn’t a memory, but real, that he can have this again. For a second he thinks that Jason isn’t dead and lost forever. For just a second, Percy forgets.

He forgets that he fucked up on a quest, that he failed to look out for his best friend and failed to save his life. For a second, the pain and the guilt isn’t as strong anymore.

But then Percy blinks, opens his eyes, and the cabin is just as empty as it has been every morning since Jason is gone. Reality comes back and it is just as devastating as it has been every time before. The room is empty and it’s cold and it mirrors how Percy feels on the inside.

The pain is numbing, and even now it still slows down Percy’s every move. He liked to believe that it has gotten better, but some days are worse than others.

For the first three days, Percy couldn’t even leave the cabin, not until Nico came by and told him to suck it up for an hour and come eat with him and while Percy appreciated the gesture, it was about the worst thing Nico could have said to him. He still goes, because Nico understands. He has lost people as well, has lost his sister and of course, he has lost Jason too, and Percy has never felt closer to the boy than after what happened.

It takes one week and a lot of threatening on Nico’s side for Percy to manage eating again. No one has to make him, Nico doesn’t have to glare at Percy for every single bite anymore. He simply sits down at the Poseidon table, takes small bites, chews slowly and forces it down his throat. He hopes it won’t come up again as soon as he is out of sight, like it has the days before, Percy hopes that the sick feeling will go away if he is willing enough. In the end, Percy is not that lucky and as soon as he’s back in the cabin it goes wrong and he’s hanging with his head over the toilet again.

It goes on like that for six days in a row before Percy manages to keep his food down. He knows he has to function, that he has to try, but every steps he takes makes him feel guiltier than the one before. How can he go on living when Jason is not there, not there because of him, not there because Percy didn’t save him when he should’ve. When Jason gave his life where Percy’s was to be taken.  

Nico tries to support Percy, but it only makes Percy feel worse about himself. When Nico lost his sister, when Percy didn’t keep his promise to protect her, he hadn’t helped him at all. Percy had watched as Nico left, knowing that Nico was to deal alone with all this grief and pain. Percy realises now that he himself isn’t strong enough for that, he can barely do it with the support he has.

Annabeth tries as well, comes back to Camp Half-Blood even though she has to pause her courses for it. Ever since they broke up – we just want different things in life, I’m sorry Percy, I can’t bear the thought of losing you altogether – Percy and Annabeth grew even closer than before. Granted they didn’t kiss anymore, or exchanged intimate touches like they used to, but in the end they work out a lot better this way.

Percy knows he can confide in Annabeth with just about everything, and he did right up until the day that Jason died. Now it’s harder. Thinking about her leads to thinking about him and Percy just can’t do that. Somehow, everything reminds him of his lost friend. The waves on the lake, where they used to sit and skip stones. The tables in the pavilion where they ate, sitting together instead of each on their own. The arena, the woods, his own damn cabin, too many that they memories made here. Some days, Percy can’t even look at Nico, for the friendship the three of them shared.

 At night, Percy’s pain grows even worse. Jason used to sneak into Percy’s cabin sometimes, just to cuddle up to him when they both had a hard time sleeping alone. It was a thing they could do without questioning themselves, maybe because neither of them ever brought it up the morning after. Over time, they had come to be so comfortable around each other... Now even thinking about it stings.

The cabin is nothing lonely now. Percy feels cold and numb, his thoughts washed away like footprints on the beach, and most of all, Percy feels kind of empty.  There is no one to slow his frantic breathing when he wakes up from a nightmare, when he sees Jason die over and over again as soon as he closes eyes and it isn’t him who shakes Percy out of it, but his own screams. There is no around to hold him, to place a hand on his chest and whisper in his ear: “It’s alright, I got you.” There is no one there, and that alone is making it harder with every night passing.

Time is supposed to heal wounds, and you’d think it would get easier when the days go by, but it actually doesn’t. It is a lie. Wounds will open up over and over again just when you thought they had finally started to close.

Percy isn’t sure this one will ever stop tearing up.

Percy remembers grieving Luke. It was hard, but not as hard as it is now. For one, Luke had been past the point of saving, twisted in the hands of Kronos until there was not much left of whom Percy had thought and wanted Luke to be. It was easier for Percy to accept that Luke was gone, they never had gotten a real chance to be anything, barely even to be friends. No matter how much Percy loved him in the beginning, he knew Luke was lost before he was actually gone.

 With Jason, it was different.

There was nothing in this world that could have prepared Percy for the sudden way Jason was ripped out of this life, nothing that could make up for all the things Percy didn’t say.

That thought tortured Percy now. Maybe, if he had cared a little more, if he had paid a little more attention, it would have helped him save Jason. But he didn’t and he couldn’t and he was too absorbed in his own fight to see Jason’s behind him.

 Percy didn’t notice the claw piercing Jason’s chest until the steady presence at his back fell, and somehow they weren’t fighting together anymore, but Percy alone above the unmoving body of his friend.

Percy’s powers couldn’t heal him. He had worked on them a lot in the weeks that led up to this day, if he could use water to heal himself, why not use it to heal others? In the end though, Percy was no son of Apollo, and there was only so much he could do. His powers were no match for the gaping holes in Jason’s chest.

Percy had watched him die. Percy had to watch the light fade from Jason’s eyes, helpless, useless, sitting there and clutching Jason’s hand as he coughed and sputtered until his lips were red with blood. All of Percy’s prayers to the gods went unheard, the ones he muttered under his breath with Jason’s face cupped in his hands, the ones that promised everything he had to give and the last one,  screamed into the sky with tears running down his face.

Percy had to watch Jason’s body go still and his eyes glaze over. It was Percy who had to wipe the blood from Jason’s mouth and close his lifeless eyes and it was him who carried the body of his dead friend all the way back to bury him. It was Percy who’d always be haunted by those imagines.

 Nico had made the burial shroud for Jason, but when it was time, neither of them could stand watching it burn. Maybe Percy was still in denial then, maybe he just held a stupid hope that if he didn’t let go, Jason could come back after all.

The first three weeks pass, and while Percy starts to function better, his heart grows heavier. The immense grief in his chest overshadows everything else, and now that it started to become part of Percy, it makes room for the darker emotions. Loathing guilt, loneliness, wrath and an all-consuming lack of purpose that Percy couldn’t explain if he tried.

The nights he can actually fall asleep, Percy either screams himself awake, or chokes on his sobs until his brain rips him back into consciousness. Some days, he still can’t leave his bedroom.

Percy knows that his friends worry, he knows that he’s acting selfish. He isn’t the only one grieving and he isn’t the only one hurt, but to him his own pain still feels like the worst.

 A month in, and the first people get fed up with his attitude. Their sympathetic looks turn into annoyed glares, their offers to sit with him fade, and some blatantly tell him to fuck off. Others just smile at him with pity, Percy isn’t sure what’s worse.

He doesn’t hold it against them, can’t really, he knows how seeing someone break apart can pull you down. It’s not like he can help it, neither pain nor guilt will fade just like this.

 Two months and Percy starts socialising. He spends time with Annabeth and Nico again and they understand when he doesn’t joke like he used to, when he doesn’t reach out as much and when sometimes, he has to use all his willpower not to start crying for nothing. They are his biggest support, understanding his pain because they too are grieving. Percy feels guilty for relying on them so heavily, but every time he tries apologising for being a burden they scoff and sometimes they hug and they promise Percy that he’s not.

 Three months in and Percy goes on quests again. Annabeth had the idea, and even though the thought was painful, it would make Percy feel needed again. She was right of course, there was an endless number of little things to be done and as long as Percy insisted on going by himself, he felt fine.

His fighting has gotten sloppier and his decisions are often reckless, and even though he won’t admit it, Percy is slacking on purpose. He won’t allow anyone to watch his back because he can’t have more blood on his hands, it doesn’t matter that it endangers him. Most days, getting hurt is a relief, and giving up is more tempting each time he gets a chance to, but somehow he still always makes it home. Much to Percy’s distaste, he seems to have an angel watching over him and more often than not, it’s only luck - or Will - that saves him.

 It gets to the point where he isn’t allowed to go alone anymore. Percy stays stoic for three days, but the time he now has on his hands leaves too much room for his thoughts to go dark and if he wants to get better he really can’t have that, so he gives in.

Unsurprisingly, it’s Nico who ends up going with him. He has grown to be one of the best fighters Percy knows, and he is one of the most powerful demigods even without a sword, so he is at a small risk to die. Then again, so was Jason…

 Nico and Percy aren’t half bad as a team and the more they fight together again, the easier it gets for Percy. The first two missions he is on constant alert and even though he knows Nico can take care of himself, Percy takes the toughest fights on alone, and always takes the extra step to make sure Nico is not the one getting hurt. Nico doesn’t comment, and Percy is grateful.

 By the time they go on their fifth quest, Percy has at least the decency to pretend that he isn’t watching out more for Nico than for himself. After his last stay in the infirmary,  Will had resigned to patching Percy up and giving him his worried look, but as soon as he got out, Annabeth came to talk sense into him. Percy suspects that it was Will who put her up to it, he’s the only one who got to see the real dimensions of Percy’s injuries, but in the end, Percy can’t even be angry at him for it.

Annabeth scolds him, to put it gently, about how it’s time for Percy to look out for himself as well. She makes a point of Percy not knowing how much it hurts his friends every time he comes back hurt and barely in one piece, and how much they fear he gets himself purposely in trouble. The worst part is Percy knows that she is right, as usually, and after their conversation Percy starts making an effort, if not a big one, to come back alive.

Nico notices, and when Percy dodges a blow for once instead of full on taking it, the other boy smiles at Percy uncharacteristically bright. It makes Percy’s gut twist strangely and he can’t tell whether it’s guilt or affection, but for some minutes, he feels a little lighter again.

 On the way back from their sixth quest, Nico and Percy get caught off guard in a cave by a group of really angry dracanae. One of them remembered Nico and Percy from the battle of New York, and it fuels the whole pack with rage.

Nevertheless, it looks good for Nico and Percy at first, until Percy takes one wrong step and it causes Nico to lose his balance just as one of the dracanae brings its spear down in his direction. The only thing Percy can do to save Nico from getting hurt ...or worse... is to whirl them around and bring himself in the line of attack.

Before the spear can reach him though, a cold hand clasps around Percy’s shoulder and wrenches him back with enough force to send a ripping pain through Percy’s shoulder.

Percy thinks it’s Nico, but when he looks up the other boy is too far out of reach. The monster disintegrates, but Percy knows he hasn’t struck it on his way down. For the moment, Percy can’t do anything but let his head fall back to wallow in the pain, his eyes pressed shut as he wills himself to take a few deep breaths.

He hears Nico gasp, and the pain that his next word cause Percy is nothing compared to that in his shoulder.

“Jason?!”

 “Jason?!”

 The pain in Nico’s voice mirrors the one spreading in Percy’s chest. He sees it again, behind closed lids, the way the light faded from Jason’s eyes, his chest heaving in a last breath before his body turned cold. Percy can feel the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes already, and when he forces them open, the first begin to spill down his cheeks. His sight is swimming, but he doesn’t need to see the scene in front of him clearly to understand what’s going on.

Nico has fallen to the ground, knees drawn to his chest and his back against the wall, staring at the softly glowing silhouette at the other side of the cave. The ghost looks unsure, gaze darting from Percy to Nico and back again, until all of a sudden, it flickers out of existence. Once more, Jason is gone.

 For a long time, neither of them can move, let alone speak. Percy is still crying, it’s hard to stop once the tears have started flowing, and when he finally manages to tear his eyes away from the place the ghost - Jason’s ghost - had been in, Percy sees that Nico is crying too.  They stay quiet when Percy lets Nico pull him up, and they stay quiet when Percy winds his arms around Nico and buries his face in the crook of Nico’s neck. When Nico hugs Percy in return, he starts to sob, shoulders shaking lightly first, but soon enough it wrecks through his whole body. Nico stays quiet and rubs Percy’s back even though he too has still tears streaming down his face.

The shadows are thick around them, dancing on the walls of the cave, and Percy lets his eyes fall closed. His stomach lurches like he’s falling through an abyss, but he clings tightly to Nico and somehow, they make it back to camp. Neither of them had to say a word to agree that there was point finishing their quest anymore.

Just like the first week after Jason’s death, Percy feels like he’s falling apart. He has finally begun to heal, for Hades’ sake, but now it’s like he’s back at the start, all wounds open and bleeding.

 Percy locks himself in his cabin as soon as they reach camp. He feels so drained, and he can’t even imagine how Nico must feel, but Percy doubts he can do anything but lie down and just not do anything for a while. Nico seems to understand, he looks tired too, worried in a strange way, and when Percy heads off he lets him without protesting.

 It’s only minutes before curfew that night when there’s a knock on Percy’s door. He doesn’t get up, whoever it is, they are going to come in anyway if it’s important. His friends have learned that some days, Percy needs to be pushed. The door creaks open and Percy buries his face deeper into his pillow. He must look pathetic lying underneath all those blankets, red and blotchy face hidden so no one can see the tears that are still running own his cheeks every now and again. Percy hears the noise of someone toeing off their shoes and a moment later, the bed dips and the same someone winds their way underneath Percy’s covers.

It’s Nico, Percy only realises when the boy is scooting closer until his face is buried against Percy’s chest and his thin arms snuck tightly around Percy’s waist. His eyes are just as red as Percy suspects his own to be, but nevertheless, Percy feels some of the pain drain from him at Nico’s touch.

“He saved you today.” Nico whispers after a while, not looking at Percy anymore, but hiding his face against the fabric of Percy’s shirt and muffling his voice in the process. “He saved us both.”

“Why is he here? I…” I don’t deserve to be saved. Percy presses his eyes shut, finally managing to cuddle back against Nico, actively seeking out the comfort of their closeness. It’s been so long since they did this, since they were this close, and only now does Percy realise how much he has missed it too.

“I don’t know Percy.. I.. I don’t know.”

 Two weeks later, Percy and Nico sit by the doc and stare out onto the lake. It’s strange, sitting here without Jason, and it’s the first time since they lost him that either of them managed to come down here at all.

“I felt it, when he died.” Nico whispers, his back resting against Percy’s chest, but his eyes glued to the water’s surface. All Percy can do is hold on to the smaller boy and try not to start crying. “I made sure he got the first ride down, and that he didn’t have to wait for the judges. I.. I didn’t wait for their decision. That’s when he must have slipped away.” While he speaks, Nico is tracing indecipherable patterns on the back of Percy’s hand, probably not even noticing he’s doing it. Percy sighs, closes his eyes, and lets his face drop to Nico’s shoulder for a moment.

“Did you find him?” He whispers, and his voice is hoarse in his throat. Nico shakes his head, but doesn’t answer. Percy hasn’t expected any different. It’s like it had been with Bianca, Jason hides from Nico, doesn’t come when they try to call on his ghost, no matter how much Nico’s powers have grown since then. Jason remains hidden.

 Almost a month later, they still have no trace. Percy takes Nico home to his mother on his birthday, and while no one is crying, the mood isn’t very happy either. They joke a little, and share blue cake, but at the end of the day, there’s still only the two of them sitting on Percy’s floor. Percy wants to be angry, he really does. He wishes he could scream and rage, but the numbness is back again, stronger that it has been in a while. Not even on his birthday, Jason would answer their calls.

Maybe, if it wasn’t for Jason showing up before he disappeared, Nico would be enough to help Percy heal, but knowing that he is still out there, still restless, makes it impossible for either of the others to move on.

 Fall comes, and with it, the beginning of Percy’s last year of school. Nico stays at camp, and Percy hugs him for far too long before he gets in his mother’s car to leave. He promised to be careful, and he meant it, and he promised to call too. Now that they have built on each other, neither Percy or Nico feels like they can let go again.

Being separated turns out to be easier than Percy had dared hoping. School actually helps Percy to take his mind off things, and while he’s having a lot of trouble keeping up, it takes up enough of his attention to still the gnawing worry and the lasting guilt in his gut. His teachers are understanding enough, they don’t know what it is, just that Percy has been through a lot, and some even go easy on him in lessons.

Percy keeps his head down and his pen close, slays monsters without a fuss or blowing up the school, and more often than not, without getting hurt. He comes home to his mum and Paul, and he calls Nico every second night, and on the weekends, he takes the drive to camp to see him. Percy starts living again, and never before has he felt guiltier for that.

 It’s the last day before Percy’s fall break, and it’s cold in the city with the early beginning of winter, but Percy finds himself embracing the chill. He has plans for the two short weeks of freedom, his mum’s car is already packed and Nico already waiting, and Percy feels restless for most of the day. He’s not sure if it’s the excitement of getting out, but something feels off and Percy just can’t put his finger on it.

The feeling doesn’t cease and by the time the last bell rings, Percy is feeling uncomfortable. It’s nothing but a hunch, but over the last couple years, Percy had learned to trust his gut and he’s reluctant to just brush it off now. Instead of running home, Percy walks out of the school slowly, his skateboard still strapped to his backpack. There’s nothing left of his hurry, his eagerness, to get home, like something is telling Percy he won’t like what he finds there. On normal days, it takes Percy a little more than thirty minutes to get home, today it’s almost an hour. He slows even more when he’s out of the tube and walking the last distance to his mum's apartment, the hunch having turned into a feeling of dread.  Something is wrong, Percy is sure of it now. What if it’s Nico? What if he’s hurt?

Gripped by a sudden worry, Percy starts walking faster after all, eventually running down the last block. He skids around the corner, almost losing his balance and stumbling over his feet the few steps to the door before he stops dead in his tracks.

The first thing he sees is a pair of feet too large to be either his mum’s or Nico’s. His eyes widen, and Percy is half afraid to look up, but his eyes move on their own accord. He takes in the jeans-clad legs, the half dirty, half ripped violet shirt and before he even gets to meeting the other one’s eyes, tears cloud his vision.