#3gbjj

I’ve spent a good part of my adult life teaching female self defense courses in various settings....using multiple methods...even different styles of martial arts. As my training has evolved over a 15 year period.....not only ‘how’ I teach and ‘what’ I teach has changed but my MENTALITY about the REALITY of what people are actually taking away and what is really happening in society has come to be a HUGE part of me deciding ‘what’s important’ in the grande scheme of things.  Just some background about me....I’m a 44 y/o female who’s been training a long freakin time.  I started in Shotokan Karate for many years and have been doing jiu-jitsu since early 2003. At this point my consistency getting to BJJ sucks....but I’m still in it. I work full time, married and parent 5 children. 3 boys 2 girls (All teenagers and older).  I’m not very big.  5′8, 122lbs. So I’m usually the smallest in the class. Training isn’t easy so I don’t care to hear guys complain about the ‘difficulties’ of training or rolling with ‘bigger guys’. 

I’m writing this b/c I’ve found so many people from the martial arts community (specifically jiu-jitsu) with such strong feelings that these “other” self defense ‘videos’ or “other” martial arts styles showing ‘techniques’ that are what they consider “just crap”....and making statements like:

-”those techniques are so bad they’re going to get someone killed“ or “1 day self defense classes are ‘junk’ and pointless...no one can learn anything in one day”...”Self defense sounds too intimidating....it should be called something else”....”females just need to do x, y and z”.....Like it’s that easy?

Listen here.....I realize it seems so simple when you train consistently....ESPECIALLY if you are a man......BUT......It’s not that easy. Do you REALLY think females who don’t train are watching a video clip and saying to their coffee clutch, book club or sorority, “Hey, girls! I saw the most awesome self defense clip! Lets get together and practice it tonight!”.  Hell no.  They saw it once and it’s out of sight and out of mind.  

I don’t care if you have the best self defense technique EVER!  If a female doesn’t train that religiously, a thousand times over, there is NO damn way the average female is pulling that crap off against a predator. Period.  Lets be real. The average female is at greatest risk of being attacked by someone she knows.  70% or more is the statistic.  Got it?  The majority are not jumping out of the bushes. Not that it can’t happen (and of course when we train we always prepare) but it’s more plausible that they’re being mauled by the guy they’ve gone out on a date with...or met at a party....the soccer coach....church leader....next door neighbor....someone they’ve ALLOWED in their personal space.....and MANY MANY times these females are GROOMED for this ahead of time! There are warning signs. This predatory behavior isn’t without some ‘notice’...but in order to know the signs, someone would need to have education about what they are. 

http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/grooming

Aside from that is the lack of mental self defense that is taught.  I REALLY go out of my way to stress that the number one thing that will keep you out of trouble or get you out of trouble is your self awareness and ability to fake it to make it. I encourage role playing in my classes. I do this by demonstrating. I’m not the ANGRY teacher showing techniques at MACH 100=worst case scenario. We start at level zero. Casual interactions and how things can build and how things truly can be diffused prior to anything having to be physically confrontational. How can someone really get out of being cornered or get a guys hand off their wrist without being physically aggressive?  B/c here’s the zinger people.....once we do ANYTHING physically harmful to a man....it is GAME ON.  There is no going back. And the chances of a female winning that game aren’t good.  That’s a VERY last resort. The problem is that some females have 1- very poor self and environmental awareness (or impaired awareness due to drinking/drug use), 2- the inability or lack of knowledge how to get themselves out of a situation, 3- lacking the confidence to do so. One example: I show the girls how to get out of a rape position as if I was on a bed (I’m simulating this by laying on the mat with my head up against the wall and a guy is in between my legs and holding down my arms with lots of pressure on top).  Besides the physicality of the ‘technique’...I have them problem solve mentally.  I ask...what could I say to him? what might be a deterrent? what could be my body language? What might he be trying to do?  I suggest they say things that are unpleasant like “I have diarrhea” or need to vomit and insist they need to use the bathroom right away. If need be they can poop on the guy (I mean the girls laugh but it’s true). Bottom line for me is that my class is full of discussion. I’m uncomfortable if there isn’t any.  I’m also uncomfortable if it’s all about the violent ‘fight’ to get away from the rogue attacker the entire time.

Here is my thing.....people can dog on these video’s and other instructors ‘not doing things right’ all they want but I just can’t see it. What’s the point? My son plays college football....I don’t see him searching the internet for the latest video’s on bogus information being given out. It wouldn’t matter.  I mean,  At least  with the self defense stuff they are showing something. Is it the best ‘move’? Maybe Not.  If I’m getting choked and try to punch someone’s groin or stomp their foot instead of doing the proper defense will I pass out...probably.  But you know what?  No average female is going to defend their neck and table top a guy backwards ....I could list a few others defenses but it’s pointless. Techniques like that aren’t meant to be learned off a video. They aren’t meant to be learned and utilized after doing it one class or 6mths. BJJ techniques need to be trained consistently and religiously to be used effectively and efficiently. Self defense needs to be a lifestyle to pull off techniques that require dedicated training to be used correctly.  That said, I believe any class is better than none at all.  I say this b/c it’s no different than swimming.  If I get in the water once....I’m not going to “know how to swim” but I’ll at least have an idea what I’m in for the next time I go and be a little less scared.  Same goes for self defense.  It opens their eyes to give them an ‘idea’ of ‘what it’s like’ on a VERY VERY low key level.  Especially if it’s BJJ and having that ability to ‘feel’ what it’s like to be on the ground and have someone’s weight on you.  Having the ability to know how you body responds...how it does and doesn’t move.....and what it REALLY requires to get out of such compromising positions (without a crazy person doing it to you).  Every little bit helps....and it does improve that ‘self awareness’...hopefully it does ‘make them think’.  Knowledge accumulates over time. As far as I’m concerned information isn’t completely worthless....at least it’s opening up the door for discussion. 

What actually can be dangerous is the popular misconception that gadgets or “weapons” such as mace, whistles or little key chain trinkets used to cause bodily harm that you purchase for yourself or loved one’s can provide ‘safety’.  B/c if there isn’t self and environmental awareness and they haven’t had the ability to actually ‘use’ those accessories....then they are useless. Don’t fool yourself.  Don’t purchase these things and feel a bubble of protection. 

One time my daughter was going to a concert and I give her a list of things she needed to do (for safety)....and she says “Mom..stop worrying. My friends mom gave us all mace”.  I looked at her and said “really?!” The only person who is going to get hurt with that is you guys!”.  Stop and think.  If you haven’t used these things before the chances of you using them effectively are slim.  When I have seen people open mace I’ve seen it drip onto their own hands and cause them injury. If the canister isn’t open the time it takes to open it wont allow it to be helpful anyway.....trying to use a weapon that you haven’t become versed in gives you a false sense of security.

And to every Man that believes females will walk around feeling invincible after one or a few self defense courses.....think again.  That’s not how females are wired. Even decades into my training I still question myself, my skill and my abilities....I’m always aware of my person, my surroundings and what I’m doing and what could happen.  Females by nature are more aware and concerned about things...we know we can be preyed upon at any time......but those “instincts” are something that can be dulled or we ignore with things like drugs, alcohol, friends/entertainment, lulled into a comfort zone due to a grooming process from someone you trust, or even just a phone. Anything that changes your perception or reality of your self awareness and the environment around you.

If you would like to train with me....I encourage you to email or FB message me.  [email protected].  Let me know!  www.Graciepa.com 

I love my family, friends,  football, jiu-jitsu, yoga, music/concerts, outdoors, animals….so many things!!! But having fun isn’t always easy.

I’m sure most people can’t even visualize the concept of ‘No Fun’. It would seem that a person ‘not being fun’ would have to be some kind of conscious decision made by any individual who has this presentation.  How else could someone be so mentally challenged to not enjoy a casual or what’s planned to be ‘relaxing’ event with friends and loved ones? Those activities are meant to be ‘stress relievers’.

As I’ve already diagnosed myself as an introvert I’ve also come to terms with the fact that after being married to an extrovert for 20 years that I’m not only ‘no fun’ but really like a ‘fun sucker’ of sort.  I can take a situation that is described as inevitable ‘FUN’ by the majority and feel nothing but absolute anxiety or even boredom. Parties, get togethers or any group gathering with strangers, or distant acquaintances fall into this category….I dread them.  My mind races about everything going on around me and at the same time I continue to feel exhausted from having conversations that feel meaningless….It doesn’t mean I don’t like the people around me or where I’m at.  I just can’t ‘relax’.  I envision myself before having a ‘great time’...it just never pans out that way. All that said, my unfun-ness flows into my everyday life with people I love.  Vacations, dinner dates, whatever… I will sometimes just ‘shut down’.   If something comes up in my mind or in a discussion that gets my thought process going down the ‘wrong road’, that’s when I can’t get my mind to do a ‘U TURN’.  I don’t rant and rave or go into some kind of meltdown.  I just get quite…the ‘silence’ is my ‘happy place’.....which drives the people that love me crazy.  They say things like ‘why do you do this? why can’t you just snap out of it?  why do you let everything bother you?’….. Unfortunately, my brain doesn’t work like your average person.   I can’t just reroute my thinking.  I will perseverate over that thought…and it presents itself on my face.  The ‘resting bitch face’.  That person pretending to read a label on the pack of gum at a party for a ½ hr…is me.

Ugh.  The fun sucker affliction.  People need to understand that my disposition isn’t a choice.  If I could be a different person I would be….b/c living this way is mentally draining (mostly b/c it bothers other people...explaining it over and over to people who don’t live it- just don’t ‘get it).  Many people like myself medicate in social situations with alcohol, street drugs or alcohol and prescription drugs….all of which aren’t my poison.  I suffer with these issues ‘as is’ and my family gets the ‘un-fun me’.  Which kind of sucks b/c they don’t always understand.  

At least in BJJ it’s a time when everything gets ‘turned off’.  There is NO other time when my brain gets a break.  When I’m asleep I dream (and create worries), when I’m awake I’m always thinking about crap all day everyday (work, home, yoga, wherever….) BUT When I train live in jiu-jitsu there is nothing in my head but jiu-jitsu and my body runs on instinct/muscle memory.  It becomes so primitive it’s therapeutic.  I’m not able to think about anything else. It’s impossible.  If I would I’ll be choked or getting my arm broke. Trying to fight for your life is a way to get mental recovery time. 

“My feelings change like the colors of the sky

My passion to love is ten miles’ high

I’m not afraid to tell you

I’m not afraid to fight

I just have to take a mental rest and that should be alright

I have more emotion and thoughts than most people know

But silence pulls me in like the ocean’s strong under toe

No matter how much I try to change that part of me

The introvert keeps winning the battle and that’s my reality.”

-Sheri

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