Really stressing out about plans for the birth.
Originally from talking to my mom I thought she was planning to come significantly in advance, and that barring any really unforeseen circumstances, she would reliably be here for the birth. So I had decided against hiring a doula, because my experience last time just really was not worth what we spent on it. I reached out to 3 highly-recommended doulas. One I spoke to on the phone and I donât remember why but just didnât get a good feeling. Another I TRIED to interview but she was super flaky (gave me a huge window of when would work for her and said sheâd let me know later that day an exact time, and then went MIA until well after the agreed-upon time, by which point Iâd sent her a message saying I was going to bed because it was 10:30pm, and I just never followed up again because yeeeahhhhh...). I hired the 3rd because I didnât have any issues with her per se, but I also didnât feel especially comfortable with her. I just didnât feel like I would feel genuinely comfortable with *anyone* who I met in such a fashion and she seemed experienced and on top of things so fine. But when the time came, she was with another client, dragged her feet sending a backup, and when she did try to send the backup, only gave the backup MY number and not my husbandâs. I was already in active labor by this point. I was not looking at my phone. So by the time the backup arrived, she was really barely there before we headed to the hospital, and I arrived at the hospital already ready to push and had my son in my arms an hour after walking through the doors. The backup doula was sweet, but she really had no sense for my personality or what sort of touch Iâd like, and by the time she arrived I was too deep into labor to communicate well with her from my end when I didnât like something.
Last time my mom was still working, so she wasnât able to come in advance because she could only be away from work for a limited time. Sheâs retired now and had told me that she was pretty much on call to come any time, but when we spoke today it sounded like she wanted to wait more til it seems like labor is close before coming. The thing is, both of my momâs labors were inductions, so she doesnât necessarily have the best sense for how well I might be able to predict that. My midwives donât do routine cervical checks leading up to labor, and in any case last time I went from 0cm to baby in arms in about 10 hours. My mom is a few hours flight away. If I (oh please no, but it could happen) have a few days of prodromal/early labor again like last time, that would give her plenty of notice to get over here, but we have no idea if that will be the case, and labor proper is likely to be even faster than last time.Â
Before todayâs conversation it was already starting to hit me that there was a glaring issue with the no doula plan, namely that someone will need to stay with my son and if my mom and my husband are the only people I have to rely on, either my husband will have to miss the birth of our child so my mom can come with me to the hospital, or my mom will have to stay with my son and then I wonât have a physical support person once I become niddah and wonât have any support person in the room with me once the actual delivery begins (hashkafically we hold that my husband stays âoutsideâ ie behind the curtain for that part).
But now Iâm realizing itâs even worse because thereâs a chance my mom might not make it at all for labor if we miscalculate her arrival, and then I wouldnât even have anyone at all with me at the hospital.
So it seems like I SHOULD hire a doula, because then my mom can stay with my son and my husband can be at the hospital and I can have that additional support person whoâs with me the whole way. But I just do not see how I can find someone Iâll actually be comfortable with for this purpose, and I have even fewer options than usual because a lot of the local doulas seem to be out of town around my due date. I really donât understand how women just like meet someone once or twice and interview them and proceed to feel comfortable with that person aiding them in their most vulnerable state. Itâs totally outside the bounds of my personality. My ideal situation wouldâve been for the friend who was at my sonâs birth unofficially (kind of just happened - she came over to help earlier in the labor and ended up coming along to the hospital when the time came) to be my official doula this time, but she and her family are leaving town like 5-6 days before my due date and will be gone til roughly a week after. Meaning sheâs gone the whole window of when Iâm most likely to give birth, so I canât remotely rely on that as an option.
So I kind of need to find a doula I guess, but I also feel like itâs impossible for me to find a doula Iâll feel comfortable with and like it defeats the point if Iâm not comfortable with her. Like who cares if someoneâs there with me if itâs not someone who makes me feel comfortable? Might as well not have anyone.
And yes, 3 weeks and 2 days before labor started with my last pregnancy is clearly a wonderful point for all of this to hit me...plenty of time to sort things out, right?
