#35 ftm

After experiencing infertility for 2.5 years, two of which were working directly with a renowned reproductive clinic, over 10 failed IUI and timed sex attempts, one failed IVF cycle and seven months of weekly acupuncture, we naturally conceived last month.  Insert all the emotions here.  As of today, I am seven weeks pregnant.  Still very much not out of the woods risk-wise and every day I wonder if I’m still in fact pregnant.  I don’t have many symptoms other than extreme fatigue, the most tender tits ever (who are growing rapidly which is so bizarre), a heightened sense of smell and zero sex drive (which is very unusual for me and extremely unfortunate for Kevin given the boob growth).  I have mild queasiness but nothing close to morning sickness although I expect that to strike any day.  

When we first found out I slowly started transitioning out of keto and integrating carbs into my diet because I didn’t know what else to do and all the books I read said not to do low carb and to just “eat as healthy as possible.”  The problem is, I don’t know what healthy is anymore.  I’ve never eaten healthier than when I’m eating keto.  When I filled up my grocery cart with skim milk, whole grain bread, whole grain cereal and fruits I was so ashamed at all the carbs I would be consuming.  Although, once I started allowing myself the carby goodness I fell into a bad pattern of eating all the things which definitely isn’t healthy.  I’m starting to work myself back out of this rabbit hole and implementing good habits again.  I’ll find a balance soon.  

When we got the positive pregnancy test I immediately stopped powerlifting and stopped walking (for the most part) because I was so scared of doing anything that could complicate this high-risk pregnancy at my geriatric maternal age.  Gosh, all those words are so terrifying and rude.  We’ve informed our closest friends and family of the good news but if you know me irl, please keep this on the DL since we won’t be making an announcement for at least another two months and I’m also planning to negotiate a well-deserved raise before I start showing.  

I’ve been hesitant to share this news partly because I still don’t believe it.  I’ve wanted this so badly for so long that to experience it is beyond surreal.  I’ve already had three check-ups including an ultrasound where they heard a heartbeat and measured the yolk sac and apparently my numbers are “perfect.”  But still, how can I be overly excited when it all could go away any day?  Since we heard a heartbeat we’re no longer able to stay with the reproductive clinic (which in itself is devastating since I’ve worked with them intimately for two years) and I have my first appointment with a new OB next Friday.  For so long I was fighting and working towards the goal of becoming pregnant that I never stopped to think about the fear and anxiety that would come after getting pregnant just trying to STAY pregnant.  I do realize that every day my chance of miscarriage decreases but it’s still a very long six weeks until we hit the second trimester where the risk dramatically is reduced.  

Like I mentioned at the beginning, I don’t quite know what my voice is now that my focus isn’t on my daily weight and losing pounds but I trust I’ll find it soon.  I just didn’t know how to post without sharing this news with you and being honest about where I’m at.  

Despite not using a single exclamation point in this post, I promise you I am extremely ecstatic about this and what we’re experiencing.  It’s just completely drenched in disbelief and uncertainty.