May 22, 2017
3/24/17
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3/24/17
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I missed writing in this for like 3 days. This is the first break that I have had since I started writing in this since January. I’m sorry I don’t know where time went. I’m deeply depressed. It feels like my head has a rock for a brain and trying to do basic things like THINK is like squeezing water from a stone. It’s a very heavy experience. I am so stressed that I keep missing my period. I can barely get out of bed and my work is absolute crap. My only friend is God. God is the only one who can get me through this. I only hope that he does this soon. On Wednesday, I came to work and luckily I was in my office for the EL phone call. it was the MS p session at the old house. I wore that Kashmiri jacket and looked like a fat old woman. It went fine and afterward I came home for the J and rest. I made a keema wrap for lunch. I am slipping because of the assignment due the next day. On Thursday, I vomited out the paper and it wasn’t even a good vomit. it was like an unsatisfying vomit that came out only a little and I still felt nauseous. SCM is a hard grader, which is good, but I don’t want her to think I’m stupid. How can I tell her I’m depressed? People really don’t understand mental health problems that go on for a long time. I am trying to get over it. Trying not to eat complete crap. But the heaviness remains. The feelings of ugliness and the lack of desirability remain. The feelings of stupidity and low accomplishment remain. I was able to make a somewhat decent comment but then I fell silent. And I drove all the way to work just to sit in class for 20 minutes and then cancel it. I did email the graded papers, so that was good. But other than that I was exhausted. Oh and I met with a student and another student brought me candy which was so so nice of her. I mean why aren’t these good moments carrying me forward anymore? When I came hope my head was throbbing because of lack of sleep. I ate a few forkfuls of pasta, said my namaz and then tried to rest. H and H were fighting and I just needed some peace and quiet. HF has lost a lot of weight and I guess looking at her I felt bad about myself. About my sagginess and my age and my body that feels like it is going to collapse. I went down at about 8:30 to see if HF would give Abes dinner. She said that he probably wasn’t coming home for dinner. All week he has been eating out. We have so much food and it hasn’t finished.
Eventually, I slept and woke up pretty early so that I could say Isha. I was so down I couldn’t even cry properly. I mean it’s great that I made namaz with God’s help but it’s an effing struggle. The struggle is very real. I can’t shake it. Tonight I’m going to see a broadway show with HF and AK and I really need to be more positive. I also have to make a decision about tomorrow. But only G knows what is best for me and I don’t know how much more I can take. I wish I had health insurance so maybe I could take some medication. Because I am just so tired of feeling this way.
some1 who is potential crush: blahblahblah, friend? me: oh no, I've been friend zone
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pt reflection
from last night’s reflection, the most striking thing the speaker said was to embrace your adversities. it was really striking because it is what i have been trying to do– i have turned my view of my struggles into blessings. i have turned my goliaths (struggles, challenges, adversities) into blessings that i can learn from. i remembered all these from today’s prayer time. from today’s pt, what i find striking was what i can give up, or lift up. i will be taking a gap year to take subjects, but i also want to venture into service. i want to discover what service really is, what it really means, and offer mine to others. i still want to become a doctor. now, with a different reason– service. i want to be of service to people. i want to serve with the abilities i have. i want to be of service to people, through being a doctor, and at the same time, this will be my way of serving God. my service will be bigger than me. but for now, i hold on to this: His plans are always greater and bigger than my dreams, goals, and plans. also, i am grateful for the strength i have now. i am grateful that my anxieties, and worries about the future have subsided. truly, it works when you trust in Him.