It's so stimulating being your hat.

I shaved & it’s funny how cute it is 😭 I plan on sending Zeke some stuff sometime just to keep the texts going because it’s been nice

My headaches drastically change in levels in pain. It was a 4 this morning & now I’m about a 7-8

Wanted to see Tori Amos tomorrow but stupidly told my boss I could work since the beach boys got canceled at my venue

Stupid blemish near my mouth that I’m insecure about & where I’m aging (my neck & mouth are aging right before my eyes, dude)

I’ve not given a f*ck about healthy eating & hitting the gym 4-5 days a week & yet I feel Really good in my body rn (despite the chronic migraines & infected skin… which is still happening now & I went from 4 morbidly infected blemishes to 7. The 4 have scared over but it’s crazy how much it killed the surrounding area of skin from something as simple as a Tiny whitehead or ingrown hair)…. But all to say I have abs now?? & my arms feel good. Amazing what happens when you eat whatever the hell you want, feel satiated so there’s no need to keep thinking about meal prep, macros, protein, & calories 🖕🏻🖕🏻🖕🏻 if I want ice cream for dinner & it’s 800 calories & I have a 300 calorie lunch like… I’m just Gonna feel better in my body than faux meat salads & snacks to hit ~protein goals~ through out the day.

I’m glad I go & as bored as I was, as annoying the ache in my head is, I’m at peace in the evening. Good spirits all around, everyone friendly. Cover band of course but I have my free iced coffee from a vendor (that was nice of them) I sway to the band playing wonderwall, my grandmother stops by the gate I’m managing, blink 182 song does sting a bit & I block his brothers account on ig. If I was told to give everything up completely, my memories, any chance of him to be rid of this ache in my head, without hesitation I would trade for relief. My manager there is such a kind soul & her& I discuss migraines & what I’m going through - she is supportive & makes sure I have her number (mind you for 10 years this theatre/venue has been a massive faceless entity with a million branches, she makes such a difference).. I eat junk food at home & do self care. I’m wondering if Zeke is going to write me back tonight since he brought up “someone else” since he’s complaining about how I act like I want more than just sex (not true At F*cking all with him. Every time I text him it’s either for hook ups or dick pix/dirty texts… I guess the frequency bugs him) but I formatted my cards for my Chicago apartment tomorrow. & then we have UB40 at work- I’ve been singing one in ten all evening which very sadly hurts now more than ever.

& to our regularly scheduled irreverent bullsh*t

Health issue at work & had to get driven to the ER by the hiker/nature photographer coworker yesterday

I was there from 6:30-1:30am… & the nurse belittled my ~head ache~… dude.

Got a CT scan

15 minute walk home from the hospital with rain & my head throbbing

Today didn’t go into work obviously. Phone tag between er & my doctor offices

Zeke had ignored multiple texts & when I thought about it I almost wrote him like wtf dude? Luckily I didn’t & he actually wrote back today… he just can’t cum in me & I think we’ll be okay?? I really don’t think my health issues are from the bv antibiotics

Er doctor said it sounds like tension headaches… for 14, now 15 days straight??? OHkay.

Left my laptop at work so i can’t edit

I need to get that sh*t done stat

I keep buying things to replace old items. Like things I’ve had for a decade. But now not even with my sofa. I’ve only had my loveseat for 3 years & now it’s just I’ve outgrown the boho hippie version of me (& the color of the orange velvet was not what I wanted to begin with)

The panties I unintentionally grabbed from the drawer are the ones he had over his head pretending to be the dude from batman. & I sat there on the toilet trying to pee rolling my eyes but laughing.

The nausea & headaches (today marks day #13) makes it hard to tell whether the dissociative behavior is emotional or an underlying health concern. I’m lightheaded, it’s hard to have conversations, & be self aware or observant. I operate with body memory, like I just tidied up my kitchen without actually seeing or being present. It’s been like that at work too & I went to the gym yesterday &... I’m not here. I keep saying that & I don’t know how to snap out of the nothing.

… this is the nothing. This is what is so much worse than an inconsistent sex life. But even as I feel nothing & am nothing, I know the damage has been done & I actually have to grieve the loss of anything had with Bodie. He couldn’t even give me fun flirtation & casual sex - he doesn’t want, need me nor is it as convenient as other options & maybe she makes him feel good. & I shouldn’t be upset at him, just the circumstance of I haven’t found someone to feel good with… don’t feel good by myself though. My head hurts, my diet is f*cked up. I don’t enjoy myself. Concerns of him is so irrelevant especially with the fact I was having health issues all of July…. My heart, head, brain & body are broken.

Out of nowhere cut 4 inches off my hair. I don’t hate it surprisingly

I asked a mate which of the Maxine a24 movies to start with & he ended up giving me his logins for streaming sites & even bought two of the movies 😭😭😭 he was sending me voice notes & it was just a very sweet thing especially since I feel so awful & lonely.

I’m about to kick my aunts *ss. I never want to see her again honestly & im trying very hard not to start a fight

I miss Bodie & my heart aches & I’m scared & so deeply saddened. & with this date I keep thinking of how good the first 4 weeks were with Bodie. The hope I had for us & the hope I still had… & have. I wonder how long it’ll be until he’s forgotten & not felt for like my ex. I’m scared that won’t happen.

I don’t want to exist right now. & usually that would mean binge watch a show which I just did this month… why am I still sick?

I think of 2024 when I tried to kms & how embarrassing that is because of how much better & more interesting my life got so that’s my point of reference of… just don’t give into that feeling, Allison.

I just set up Subclips on Dropbox for the artist & sent her those to do whatever she wants with them but in the meantime I really want her to have montage reels for her social media. I looked back on the one I made & I kinda don’t like it now 🫩 but I am at that stage of self hate & pity at the moment so everything is warped. The interview is still good at least. I just need graphics & text.. & adjust audio maybe.

… too busy & stressed to hurt over the same old but moments do find me. I love that guy I don’t know. Even in his disinterest & all the ways he changes, I still feel the good of him but

I have a date tomorrow & i really want to move on & find a new way of seeing myself as a lover, partner, friend, & as an individual

I have such a headache 😭😭😭 how can I still have it???

I don’t know how to destress other than do the thing that stresses me out but it’s like I have other things to do

Serious anxiety attack last night trying to make a new montage reel for her but then I was like f*ck it, get a Dropbox of unedited clips for her so she can use whatever as daily stories on ig At Least

I love editing videos but when I’m not in the headspace, it’s hell

Gym & fitness goals are on the back burner. Two night ago I did manage but I was so sick & so tired my eyes were flickering & I keep feeling the need to vomit…. If I knew it wasn’t possible I’d worry it was morning sickness. Ya know.. ✨Just like in the ~movies~ ✨… 🫩 Zeke’s ignoring me & has either disappeared or restricted me on ig. The music video my mate did for his drummer just came out that he’s in & that’s not even a topic of conversation

Fftl released a single, not as good as their last 4 singles, but just as saosin’s new single being a topic to reach out to videographer a few months back, if he wanted to- fftl’s release would have been the ice breaker (he said whenever he sees circa survive or fftl on his dash he thinks of me so.. 😔) not that it really matters but it’s scary & the silence is so fucking sad. Sometimes it really is just so much worse than him ignoring a text or telling me he’s too busy or the same bullsh*t of /insert something about tasting my *ss but I’m editing / tease & excuse. Low effort always but now. Nothing. & knowing there’s nothing to wait on…. Lmao you’re too busy, Al remember??

Waited an hour for an agent even though it was a vacant property for me to let myself in.

Did enjoy shooting my last two houses & made a reel for ig even though my bdd & hormones are acting up

Blocked the videographer’s media page last night since it was a trigger & I almost gave into an impulse at work (he changed his look Again) either way. He won’t & I will not.

Did get asked on a date with a guy I’ve been talking to but I’m very behind with the artists social media content & she wants the bts reels asap

… I have to knock out her reels ASAP but knowing full well it takes me several hours for one

She wants a short documentary done late August so… my purpose is honestly her which good

On antibiotics Again. My skin meds got delayed so I actually have infections??? From picking at ingrown hairs & zits. I haven’t had bad skin in a while. Could be the diet too

F*ck I didn’t text my trainer back today

Oh, I’m talking to three guys all with similar vibes. A night or two ago I cried over a YouTuber whose husband is this cute little tattooed Latino & she’s a tall white alt chick (perfume make up influencer) & i saw them kiss & it made me sad. I want my little cute tattooed brown skinned man already 😔… & then I matched with three alt. Tattooed Latinos lmao. Two of them opened with the same comment too! So bad But! Definitely good that these dudes dig the mars Volta too 👌🏻👌🏻 other dude who I would just want as a friend works for a very well known metalcore band so that’s cool. I have a feeling he’ll drop off though. No friends for Alice.

Lmao but! New gym clothes & I’m starting my journey to find a signature perfume & I’m starting with the brand Heretic. Sample scents I got are

Haxan

Dirty patchouli

Dirty lemon (full size since clearance)

Smudge

Voodoo lily

Dirty Hinoki

Have never been a perfume person only ever essential & fragrance oils in the past & hempz scented lotions now (that don’t last nor project) I had a signature scent called Funeral Parlor when I was 16-24 from Vamp Fangs; Heretic feels like the grown up version of that. Stoked

… I should sleep…