It's so stimulating being your hat.

is she shaking because a. nervous system going berserk again after texting Multiple times & being ignored b. haven't eaten c. over exercising (I almost spelled that the wrong way *crying face* or D. All thee F*cking above.

fuckletthispass. alright food & doc & I already know he will not write back.

Uploaded the shots. Cooked dinner. I already worked out… & walked, showered. I don’t want to hurt my body by overdoing it but it hurts so much to sit still.

Thoughts of never seeing him, thoughts of having something so good being ripped away from me.

The thought of us on the couch, him joking, saying he’ll get Allison tattooed on his forehead. Then he said he’ll get property of Allison above his dick. I said I wanted it on his rib. He asked why. I said I don’t know. He mentioned how he’s fat now. I said no, it’s just more body. He said I was so nice in a genuine inflection. I hope he has to catch himself when he’s with her, I hope he says my name, thinks of me. Realizes he does like me, he said it on the couch too. I don’t know what I did or said but he said it. I said something snarky back but I tripped on my words.

Him & I already sized each other up when I first started here & it’s not a right fit but there is occasional cuteness there. & I already told my work partner I wouldn’t mess around because it would get messy & put weird vibes at work.

I do need to manage my files though. I need to just edit & get a collection going for a portfolio asap. Discard the multi exposures & keep just One HDR image for each shot.

Yesterday at work I tell my work partner everything & we talk & laugh. I’m making light of it but physically my nervous system is shot & every time he walks away the rumination starts & f*cks my heart rate up & I feel impulsive. I did do a semi long text. I take my break with my photographer mate & we get food at Aldi & sit outside the back of his jeep. Story time / tea. He is so comforting & endearing, doesn’t sugarcoat but also knows where I’m coming from… this was the first time I told him about one of the videographer’s main kink (no way in fuck I can’t use his name right now are you kidding 🙄. So stupid)

I receive long flattering texts from hipster date guy but can’t write back. I don’t get a response from Him until several hours later & he’s not telling me real reasons but he’s keeping me on the hook & telling me he needs time. Lmao my hand is shaking rn. So fucking stupid.