#316am

“holiday spirit”

holiday spirit

more like

chardonnay n mix it

sip it

w prosecco

cuz some memories

i cant let go

my parents separated when they’re married

that separation created damage

maybe that’s why i want a marriage

to have everything that they didn’t have

i want my baby’s dad

to live in the same crib

where our room is w her baby carriage

i want him to be my groom, see

let me not get too carried

away

today

it’s christmas day

n i say this n that

i overreact

holiday spirit

all of it is different

put aside

the ornaments

above where santa’s gifts lives

broken n hurtin families

all the tragedies

the deaths we faced

the people that we can’t replace

memories we can’t erase

my daddy might be mad at me

picked up a habit of smoking cigarettes

i stopped praying

cuz i felt like what i’m sayin

was too much for God to be listening

things even santa can’t grant me

on my christmas list

when mommy tells me i’m just like u

i smell just like u

baby powder n liquor

everytime she cries for u

i cry too

and i swear i’m being strong

daddy, i try to

holiday spirit

my favorite stop & shop

is a local ‘wine & spirits’

things are just different

we used to go to auntie carol’s house

watch movies on auntie carol’s couch

Uncle Ashton & daddy drunk

we don’t know what they talkin ‘bout

open presents

our attention was always present

we always enjoyed each other’s presence

rest easy auntie cleo, uncle John, tia lucé,

auntie muriel, uncle fredrick n daddy dearest

holiday spirit, i ain’t been in it

i try to be, but every year is

harder than the last

often think about the past

n if i knew that last christmas

would be the last

i wouldn’t ask

for gifts n shit to unwrap

i’d just ask to sit

next to u or on ur lap

just hug u n hold u tight

just one more time

holiday spirit

what i look forward to

my daughter n i making christmas cards

decorating christmas stockings

having christmas off

stuffing the stocking

w little gifts i copped and

watching christmas movies

me n her home alone

maybe i have a husband

maybe i have a wife

either way whatever is destined

for once

holidays won’t be a time where i

am working bc i’m hurting

w all these emotions trapped inside

my future i’ll be open

can’t wait

for my son or daughter to open

the gifts that i

got them, knowing that they’ll love them

this day i dream of n work for

but today, i’m gonna work more

christmas hours

time & a half

so i can cut my emotional baggage time in half

i just want a distraction

from everything that has happened

one day, this masking

won’t need to happen

holiday spirit

holiday spirit

enjoy ur holidays

The most forbidden love tale there is

from stages

and phases

To races

Same sexes

Two dead dads

moms having us at the same ages

Alcoholics

Floating around the states

trying to find our placements

Maybe some day

we’ll be at the same pace

On the same page

people perceived our loving

just to be something

replaceable like nothing

but truth is

they wish they had it

but they just couldn’t grasp it

let’s write a book 1 day?

twin flame

this love’s like a drug

the strongest that’s ever existed

i’m thinking they had to

experience it, not just witness

it’s like if angels fell from the sky

n demons were lifted

n they met right in the middle,

a little forbidden

it’s like the earth moved in reverse

n sorta shifted

it’s like the universe

had a plan when we crossed paths

i take naps

just to dream about us to understand

n we can sit there n say— sit here n blame

Mars n the stars n retrograde

but it’s all alignment n timing

our tomorrows have no sorrows

n we can’t bring back yesterday

so today

it’s demanding

we write for better understanding

in our fairytale journey

on cloud 24 without a landing

fasten our seat belts

bc this flight has been turbulent

we’re on this journey for reason

just not sure of the purpose yet

because we went ....

from phases

and stages

To races

Floating around the states &

trying to find our place in all these places

Maybe some day

we’ll be at the same pace

On the same page

we can write our story,

just not the ending

can’t skip the pages

these are my thoughts before bed..

the random shit up in my head..

seriously random.

with me, i swear no one understands me

i do and say just what i want,

and they call it outlandish

i mean just look at the president

that man would ban gay marriage

n i’m still thinkin bout the woman ima marry

still thinking bout the woman i’m becoming in this society that’s damaged

worldwide asylum

our devices they’re behind them,

where they micromanage

im a pansexual woman of colour

with red dreadlocs and hispanic

also with a dose of mental illness bipolar and manic

so getting a job is hard, mentally unstable i panic

but society can’t tell me no, if i want it i’ll have it

what they cannot see, when i see it i

just grab it

i just hope they still believe in me by the time that it happens

come on for the ride, get ur seatbelt well fastened

this is the time i been waiting for, no more of that practice

this is what i asked of the universe, and now its granted

third eye opened + 2020 vision i been elevating without a landing

pilot of my plane

still

guiding my soul n brain

at night or when it rains

is when i feel my pain

at 3:16am, nights before i lay

i pray the lord; my soul to take

anxiety to take away

i & me, we conversate

i meant conversing in these verses

like i & me aren’t 1 person

like man vs self when i am hurtin

writing when i feel uncertain

but trying to express it

writing out not repressing

internal to external expression

all these thoughts keep me awake

on cloud 16

still

driving this plane

could be driving myself insane

or flying myself to Spain

just to escape the pain

maybe runaway to Paris

maybe go do something outlandish

like have a black/hispanic gay marriage

in this society that’s damaged

these are my thoughts before bed..

the random shit up in my head..