#316pm

“ in my feelings ” // few days ago my dumbass decided to listen to drake on his birthday. i ended up writing to few of his songs but this one stayed n hit me in my core of repressed emotions. good, bad n ugly. i’m thankful for each of them n able to write ab things as a form of reflection, release, n healing. to my twin flame, my soulmate n my karmic partner. i love u.

————

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

do i love u? why i’m writing?

all this poetry, i notice we

ain’t vibing

but i love ya

i don’t need ya

i’m still down for ya, always

DT

do u love me, are u riding?

u ain’t ever gonna find another like me

n u know that

but don’t show that

still i’m down for ya, always

share a mind share a soul

but u knew that

always here, where ima go?

tho sometimes u abuse that

take it for granted, take advantage

but i get thru that

u once been abandoned

granted—

i ain’t one to do that

yet i understand it

but i still get confused at

times i miss ur call, still i call u right back

when u hit my line, still i hit u right back

u leave me on read, when u know ion like that

but i still wait for u to write back

so i can ignore u, n gain the power right back

we had so much baggage

but we still tried to carry on

runnin’ from our issues like a fuckin marathon

things that i share with u

i do not share with anyone

meaning our story

mama’s having us at 40

the rest, ima leave

rest in peace, yeah u know..that one

i can write about it for centuries

our story’s for the books

work in progress, yet a master piece

our story’s for the books

but i’ll end it here, i love u

back into the hook

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

LT

do u love me, are u riding?

treat me sometimes like a side piece

but i love ya

i don’t need ya

but i’m down for ya, always

we share a path, share some planets

we ain’t plan it

cancer moons, share pluto, venus, we reversed saturns

our neptune in capricorn, even downloaded “the pattern”

n co-star just to see what astrology had planted

u were sent to me, maybe too soon

i can’t stand it

we will never be,

now i just gotta accept it

i let u know, i let “us” go

i hope i don’t regret it

but it’s fair i let u know

we could grow, but only if u let it

u tell me done w that, n then i believe u

but ur actions don’t match ur words

7 year sequel

2020 the finale

n i never thought i’d say that

u were the one i wanted to marry

u was by side but not on my side

i fucking hate that

it’s ok, i love u fourever—always

hole in my soul, once again

u made that

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

write it out, heal n deal w it

AC,

do u love me, are u riding?

my homie, best friend for life we

been thru everything

call me if anything

know i’m down for ya, always

girl u know me, the new and the old me

we go way back, u my fuckin homie

u knew my daddy and my family

u the few that understand me

been watching u n i can see u learning

i just want u happy, we both know u deserve it

growing up, showing love

love u much, in case u haven’t heard it

u taught me about myself

lessons i hadn’t mastered

taught me to trust the universe w questions i couldn’t answer

feels like i knew u in my past life

everytime we link up, vent, drink up

it’s always better than the last time

always opened ur home to me when i needed a break from that “fast life”

tea time, some blankets, some candles

thanking u

for everything that u brought to kat’s life

kat in them feelings

repressed emotions

chillin, sippin

ima be real w it

3:29

so many debts

i can’t even pay back

so much stress

i can’t even lay back

lost n depressed

i can’t find my way back

but u were always right there

to keep me on my path

to get me back on track

ion even know how u would react

if u seen roaring 2020’s kat,

sat down, meeting 20 somethings kat

bottling my emotions, all them i hold in

then bodying a bottle of jack

u don’t know me like that

sippin quarters of bourbon

like they quarter waters or sumthin

cuz im stuck between the border

of being numb n just hurtin

i been searchin n searchin

for an apartment but when i bartend

the money’s uncertain

furthermore my next move

i had to get another job

right after i left two

bouncing back wasn’t hard

just the labor for checks do

really tend to make me pretend i

need this 9 to 5 life, i put my ambitions to the side.. why?

one of my debts

i can’t even pay back

i owe it to myself

to find my way back

w my ideas n creations

like the black excellence ball

im having invalid hesitations

i don’t want to rush n make it

yet i still can’t keep waiting

cuz the fear of failing

or the fear of succeeding

then failing to follow they expectations

at the same time, finding time

to operate it, gather the team that made it

having to be communicative

when i don’t even have the time

to window shop or stop n cop

for the vacation im taking

in my imagination

cuz i owe so many debts

im even distant w my friends

even w some of my family

im so far gone, like im in my own reality

could they all understand: its me?

or would they all just be mad at me?

emotionally in debt, w the people that make me who i am

how can pay it off,

i haven’t even been who i say i am.

i haven’t been who i was

n im fearful of who i’ll become

if i don’t find my path

n if i don’t stay on track

“4:05” // i wrote this thinking ab my twin flame a week or so ago. they always cross my mind between 4-6am. it’s bittersweet. i decided to jot my thoughts down n this poem came about.

“4:05”

it’s 4:05, how u crossed my mind

thinkin ab the times

w ur lips touching mine

eye fuckin n little tickles

slowly down ya spine

cuddled up

kissing, fuckin

sippin, then sobered up

maybe smoke a loosie

just to loosen the stress

not for nothing, i don’t feel nothing

when i’m chillin w tess

it’s deeper than pussy

deeper than money

it’s deeper than sex

when i’m w her

it b feelin like an escape

gives me a rush

prolly molly can’t recreate

no need for LSD when DNT

makes me feel like i’m trippin

how i start feelin

when i’m chillin w tess for a day

so DND is where temporarily stay

don’t call me, fuck it

i put my phone away

ignoring them phone calls today

no i’m not being toxic

i mean maybe —

a kiss or two, then we just stop it

cuz i mean i bean outta pocket

but we’re irrational w no logic

truthfully, just being honest

i’m always gonna want it

n i’m always gonna want u

even times when i don’t want to

4:22, oh how i’m thinking of u

still writing its 4:27,

but if i’m telling the truth

i think ab u 24/7

but to let u know? n go against my pride?

pride won’t let me, so i rather hide

my emotions that i’m holding in

like i do be daydreaming n hoping when

we could relive our moments then

my pride gets involved

n the timing is always off

so i just bury it all

like a treasure chest, cuz w tess

everything is golden

i just imagine for a moment

if we made it back together

we were healthy

we were healing

n we did it passed forever

but that damn pride

n that damn ego

sayin:

ego:

welp here we go

pride:

just go talk to other people

ego:

stop social media stalking

pride:

like when ross was clockin

rachel thru the peephole

ego:

just go one some dates,

ur broken up, not ‘on a break’

pride: get tf over her get over it, it’s been a year. it’s her loss.

ego:

like when rachel was tryna get over ross, n went to dinner w mark

pride: just take urself shopping, get ur hair done n b a boss

kat:

yeah yeah i hear y’all all

i don’t know if u can tell it’s

a hole in my heart

i tried to fill it w psychedelics, whiskey, poetry n art

ego:

goofy. there’s a hole in ur asshole too, so what u filling first?

heart:

how do u expect to accept love, without u healing first?

pride:

who let heart in the chat?

but i respect that,

but listen kat..

ur on a journey u should be proud of.

ur healing wounds, ur self love has gotten LOUDER..

ego:

yeah n u can’t stop ur internal hurting

by lovin or bein loved by another person

that’s not how healing works

heart:

it’s a lot of discipline,

it gets lonely,

this process fuckin hurts

pride:

u don’t need love from anyone else besides urself

hello, it’s me pride— sometimes the hardest pill to swallow

kat:

i guess i just want

the idea of something ‘permanent’

not temporary or “borrowed”

these are my thoughts before bed..

the random shit up in my head..

seriously random.

with me, i swear no one understands me

i do and say just what i want,

and they call it outlandish

i mean just look at the president

that man would ban gay marriage

n i’m still thinkin bout the woman ima marry

still thinking bout the woman i’m becoming in this society that’s damaged

worldwide asylum

our devices they’re behind them,

where they micromanage

im a pansexual woman of colour

with red dreadlocs and hispanic

also with a dose of mental illness bipolar and manic

so getting a job is hard, mentally unstable i panic

but society can’t tell me no, if i want it i’ll have it

what they cannot see, when i see it i

just grab it

i just hope they still believe in me by the time that it happens

come on for the ride, get ur seatbelt well fastened

this is the time i been waiting for, no more of that practice

this is what i asked of the universe, and now its granted

third eye opened + 2020 vision i been elevating without a landing

pilot of my plane

still

guiding my soul n brain

at night or when it rains

is when i feel my pain

at 3:16am, nights before i lay

i pray the lord; my soul to take

anxiety to take away

i & me, we conversate

i meant conversing in these verses

like i & me aren’t 1 person

like man vs self when i am hurtin

writing when i feel uncertain

but trying to express it

writing out not repressing

internal to external expression

all these thoughts keep me awake

on cloud 16

still

driving this plane

could be driving myself insane

or flying myself to Spain

just to escape the pain

maybe runaway to Paris

maybe go do something outlandish

like have a black/hispanic gay marriage

in this society that’s damaged

these are my thoughts before bed..

the random shit up in my head..

“Untitled”

She wandered deep & searched far While her luv’s asleep & it’s quarter past 4

Were the choices she made & the chances she gave All in vein?

Were they out of love? Were they out of spite? Was it out of lust? Was it love at first site?

Were we both just lost? Needing someone at night? No matter the cost? No matter the price?

I hope your eyebrows get messed up, after you put your shirt on n shit

I hope your yeezys get creases, and a little dirt on them shits

I hope you get a small scratch on your glasses, and you can’t take notes in your classes

I hope all your black clothes fade to a lighter black And you encounter your ex’s ex And your friends like her better and invite her back

I hope your jeans shrink in size I hope they’re too tight And when you walk You rub your thighs And it’s annoying, and you’re like “WHYYY”

I hope you’re happy I hope you’re happy

I hope that we ain’t come all this way for nothing I hope I didn’t let you inside my life for nothing

I hope that maybe we can look back and laugh at shit or something

I hope that maybe we can look passed the past and get over it or something

I hope you’re reading this I hope you’re seeing this