#3.26.18

Aww yay!

Also, I just saw....so did Chad Michael Murray hahaha.

Okay so my family is still in the hospital. No worse and no better.

I've got two sick kids at home today and I'm not feeling too good myself but I'm 90% sure mine is stress related.

Going offline for the next 24 to 48...72 hours I dunno. Just shutting it all down and focusing on health and home. I'll check for messages here like once a day.

Tagging those I message regularly here and those I'm currently in collab with (I'm still working on our stuff). If you need a quick response to anything emailing me will be faster.

@mansikkaomenabanaani @ladyofthursday @posingasme @demonesswithaheart @tobythewise

@thayerkerbasy @jupiterjames @grey2510 @roxy-davenport @crowleyshellhoundspn @alecjmarsh @dragonpressgraphics @blue-reveries @trisscar368 @threshie @casthewise @unforth-ninawaters @jhoomwrites @ltleflrt @winchester-reload

I had therapy in the morning, and I had to tell her how much I’ve been struggling with food lately. She asked me why I think that might be, and I paused for a while, but finally admitted that recently I’ve been reflecting on the fact that I’ve never actually worked through and processed traumatic memories and that I’m terrified to do so, and I think that’s probably related to the recent struggling with food. She agreed that that seemed pretty likely, and we talked about how we could start working on that but that we couldn’t do that unless I wasn’t using symptoms aka restricting. So I grumbled a bit but was basically like, yeaaaa I know, but my motivation is so low and idk if I can. So she had me reflect back on what’s motivated me in the past, and at some point in there I started crying bcos I was scared I’d be struggling on and off with my ED forever (as it is I’ve been struggling on and off clinically and subclinically since like second grade). She reminded me that in the past when I’ve struggled with food I’ve resorted to mechanically eating essentially the same thing every day so that there weren’t any mental debates about what or when to eat that delay or prevent meals/snacks. I was like yeah okay I can probably do that, but I still have to have some motivation for that to work.

So we talked about motivation. I talked about how I don’t want to be forever seen as sick/struggling and in the past that’s been my identity but in the present I have a much more nuanced identity, and I’d like to keep it that way. Honestly this reflection helped alot. She talked about how ideally if I work through my trauma, I’ll be able to stop living/falling back into a place where I am full of shame at my existence, etc. etc.

After therapy, I went to meet S, as yesterday marked 6 months we’ve been dating, so we were going to get lunch. The place we were going didn’t open until 11, so we went into the pharmacy for a few minutes bcos I wanted to get new hair ties, and he needed batteries for his calculator. Then, I had to pee, so we walked to the college bookstore nearby (we were on a different college campus than the school we go to, he came to meet me since that’s where my therapy appointments are). Anyways, we walk back to his car approximately 10 minutes later, and on the walk back we walk by where we were gunna go for lunch, but the glass door had been broken and we put 2 and 2 together and realized they had a break in and it didn’t look like they’d be opening. So we went back to his car, and there was a boot on his car!!!

I offered to pay for it, but he said no. So, he called the number on the paper given, and this guy like 20 ft away comes over and is all "gunna be $75" sooo lowkey if it was me, and I'm fully aware this is white privilege and probably also cos I'm a girl, but I wudve argued my way out of that bcos that was seriously bullshit, but whatever. He paid the $75. The guy was very rude about it too, making fun of S's signature and calling me his "girrrrlfriend" rudely. WHATEVER tbh.

So after that, S didn't want to get lunch right then, said he just wanted to go to school, and I didn't have it in me to stand up for myself for needing lunch, so I just sorta shrugged it off and decided I'd get food on campus. So we drove to the nearest train station, but there was no parking there, so we drove (only like one more mile) to another station and parked there. The whole time in the car he was very obviously distressed, and I was just trying to hold myself together. I felt like the whole thing was my fault bcos a) I was somewhat familiar with the parking lot and should've known that was possible and b) I was the one that wanted to go to the bookstore to pee. So then, once we'd parked he takes a deep breath and says to me, "Molly, I'm not mad at you, but I do think it'd be fair if you paid for this." WHICH tbh, made me feel very relieved, bcos I did kinda feel like I should've been the one paying for it. However, idk why but I just started crying when he said that. And he was like, let's get in the back seat so I can hug you. So we did, and he reassured me a few times he wasn't mad at me. And I managed to say calmly, despite the tears, "I know you're not mad at me, I never thought that (which was 100% true) and I have no problem paying you for the boot it's nbd (also 100% true)." He asked why I was crying, and I wasn't sure, so I said that. I told him I needed to get lunch, so we realized we needed to get on a train asap if we were gunna get lunch before class. I told him I felt bad, bcos he'd woken up early to come meet me, and we never actually got lunch. And he told me the day wasn't over yet, how about we get dinner? Which made me smile. I then was calm enough to realize I'd been crying bcos I already felt so shitty and then it was just so much at once. and he was very understanding.tbh I think he figured that out before I did lol.

So then we got lunch and went to class. (I've got to shorten everything else now lol bcos I have class in 3 minutes rn). I ate all my lunch and all my snacks and dinner. The rest of my classes were fine. Then after class, we drove to a restaurant but it was only 4pm so we realized nowhere was open. So we went back to my house, worked on homework for a while and then had dinner with my family.