#cmm

This is a story all my friends got in little 'episodes" I shared though my Instagram close friends stories. It started as a sortof vent for a confusing and frustrating situation while I was trying to elaborate my feelings..

Episode 1: How I Met Your Cheater

One night I'm bored and horny, browsing through grindr, answering to texts from people who are, as usual, only annoying.

Suddenly I get contacted by this guy who sends me a nude with face included, he read the profile which is a good start. My very first thought is that he looks like a dick. He's not ugly, but his face has such an annoying cold arrogance to it, it just immediately puts you off.

I answer, cause at least he read. Within 10 sentences he manages to immediately also make me think he sounds really fucking rude. He has a completely disarming level of caustic honesty. I appreciate radical honesty and directness, but even I am taken aback by his ways. Still, I am intrigued. He knows what he wants, I know what I want, and unlike others he's not here to waste my time. I say ok, let's meet.

One of the first things he asks me is "can I spit on you?" And I say... yeah. Sure.

When he shows up his features definitely look less harsh than the picture, still there is a hardness to him, but I can see he's tense, nervous. That can be understandable though, these meetings can always be unnerving even if the deal and expectations are clear.

He has a lot more spit than originally anticipated..... but I take it like a champ. Lmao seriously I never met anyone who spits that much he's a human shower it's crazy but anyway

By the end of our encounter he says it was the first time he tried something like that and he isn't sure if he's into it, but he kinda had fun trying, he says it very casually and I take it graciously and just say that's fine, I'm glad the experience was good for you after all. (Was it for me?) We're sitting in his car talking a bit, we share to each other of how our mothers both died at 57 from cancer, he tells me his mother was his soul mate. I'm good at making people comfortable in these situations, he seems to be very sweet after all.

By the end he blurts out "I have something to tell you, and you're gonna think I'm a piece of shit, but I am married. To a man." I just sit there, and say "That is honestly none of my business". Whatever this is that has nothing to do with me and I'm not there to judge anyone. And that he must have felt, because he starts to tell me his story and situation with his husband, how he's unsure and wants to leave but doesn't have the courage, how they don't even fuck anymore, how he still loves him, but... I listen, and I tell him I understand. I have cheated before trying to mentally escape a relationship that was bad for me but I didn't have the courage to leave. It's a way to try to break those bounds, find the strength to leave, let go.

He tells me he has to go home, and so for that night we part.

Episode 2: The Ascents and Declines

Our encounter ended up much more pleasant than expected, but I didn't really expect to hear more from him.

Instead, soon after he contacts me again, inviting me to meet again. Considering what he said last time about it not being his thing, I am curious. I agree to meet him again.

In his typical brand of off-putting honesty I will come to know and love, he tells me he actually had a really good time with me and that he was sort of terrified of me because he didn't know how to act.

I wonder if thats why he seemed so caustic (it kinda is, he reacts like that when he's nervous, but it's also just his personality)

I find him to be puzzling, but kind of endearing. I like his radical honesty, but I can't figure out what his deal really is. For all his honest words, it still feels like I can't trust this guy.

Still we fuck and have a nice time together.

Again and again, when his husband isn't around, he comes back. He says I'm the only guy he comes back to, he trusts me and feels good with me. I appreciate it.

He can be really rough and aggressive when we fuck, treats me like a whore, but has clear boundaries and knows exactly when to stop and be a perfect gentleman. Well... maybe that's not the best word given his personality, but yk what I mean.

He can be bitchy at times, but he's actually really kind and sweet.

When bad things happen at my house he offers to come pick me up just to get out of there. He listens, he is caring.

When I need help riding to the vet for my bunny he offers to drive me. He says he just doesn't have money for gas, he is struggling financially too, I am hesitant to take the help at all... he has been good to me, but we aren't that close... still, I say I will pay for gas. My aunt, who was supposed to help, isn't answering and idk who to turn to. And so he says give me 5 minutes, and he comes, and when I pay for gas I tell him just fill up you need it, it's me repaying the favor. But he only fills the tank enough for the drive, and tells me he will never take advantage of me.

I did also pay him back with a blowjob though lmao

We fuck basically every time, but that is not a problem for me, it's implicitly part of the deal, not because I owe him or he expects it, but because we both want it. He wants me... and I want him. And we want each other because there's good chemistry between us, because we like spending time with each other.

By this point I've been to his house a couple times too, I saw the pictures with his husband, I have met all his pets. Sometimes he says puzzling things like "I feel really good when I'm with you, I'm not saying I'm falling in love but..." that rings an alarm in my head. He's not a love-bomber or anything, but I still can't figure him out, what his end goal is, what he really wants, who he really is... and because of all this, and his kindness and generosity, he's starting to get stuck in my head. And I know it's bad.

Nothing about us makes real sense. 100% of the time I feel like I can't trust him, like something's amiss and I can't figure out what. As far as I can tell he's real with me, he has done nothing wrong, but I feel wrong. There's this buzzing in my head when I leave him... I can't put my finger on it. I can sense something about him is off, but I can see how kind his heart is. I... feel good with him too, and I don't like it.

Episode 3: Got It Bad

I'm starting to want those times together, want his attentions, and I know I can't trust him. I know our time is counted. He will go back to his husband and we will just part, and I will accept and respect that. I tell myself that all the time.

We don't make any sense anyway, and we only exists in those little pockets where it's just us, away from reality in a little happy bubble of sex and laughter and honesty.

I go to his house, we fuck and we walk the dog together. He calls me just to suck his dick, and I drop anyone else and go. Whenever he's online on grindr I don't contact him just for a matter of pride and not wanting to bend, and I tell myself he has a right to fuck other people, we are nothing. But I keep checking, and checking, I want him to talk to me.

And I know it's bad. I'm in real trouble now.

I am perfectly capable of rationalizing our relationship to hell and back, we aren't even compatible, I never could trust him, he's going back to his husband and that's it. I need to get over it.

But I can't. I never can. For all my pushing back, I can't stop those feelings. It's driving me mad.

In all of this, I start dating 3 people in a poly type of situationship, and they're all beautiful people, healthy people, I care about them all and I like them and I know for sure I'm not willing to go back to monogamy. This type of relationship dynamic is more functional to me.

And he is married so I don't think there's a future in that sense either. And yet I think about him most.

I identify as aromantic, it's part of why the poly lifestyle fits me better, I can't even really distinguish between an important, intimate friendship and a "romantic" relationship tbh.

I don't feel these things. These things I am feeling with him, I don't feel them. It's not me. It must have happened maybe a couple of times in my life like this. I'm going crazy.

Through all this, I have been posting updates on IG and people got really invested. I get people asking me about his real identity, telling me how they got so invested, commenting on how I should just drop him, relating to my desperate submission to his desires. It's fun for me too, it's why I let myself live through all these feelings and never do anything to stop it. Whatever this is, it's making me feel things. Things I never feel. It's dangerous, it's electric, it's exciting. I just know I want to let myself live it no matter how bad it could turn out.

I tell people I've got a handle on it. I know how to deal with myself.

But do I?

Episode 4: Exploding Stars

One night I decide I want to stir the pot.

Even when we don't meet, he regularly calls me and videocalls me.

As with the rest of this relationship, it has to be at his terms, when his husband isn't around. I sit and wait for him to contact me, but usually when I expect he will by a certain day, he does. Almost every time like clockwork, hardly a day late. But every time I feel anxious maybe this time he will forget, lose interest in the person who only exists in pockets.

His calls make me happy, it shows he is interested in me. In me, not just fucking, he cares a little, we laugh and fuck around together even when we don't have sex.

He actually does tell me he cares sometimes, he tells me he thinks about me when he drives by the road that takes to my house, but nothing means anything to me with him. Everything is too unsure, idk what weight those words carry, I just don't understand him.

We agreed there were terms to this, but then things got so confusing.

I decide I selfishly want to tell him what I feel. And so during one of our calls I drop hints, which he picks up immediately, but we dance around it for a bit. I tell him you're not stupid you already know what I'm saying. He says he can't read my mind. Fair enough. I tell him I really like him, as a person.

He immediately starts saying it makes him happy but we could never be anything. Even if he left his husband, he couldn't think of us like that, he wouldn't even be thinking about it for a long time. He's swinging between it can never ever happen and maybe I might change my mind, he's clearly not handling it very well either, I don't like that and I don't like his contradicting words. I take the conversation in my hands, I tell him I completely agree and he doesn't even have to worry. We don't make any sense, I agree. I always told him I don't want anything from him.

But he always told me if things got better with his husband we could stay friends, and while I'd really like that, I don't believe him.

He asks me why, and I tell him how I think it would really go.

He says if we ever got that close, if he ever started to think of me as a real friend, then we would never fuck again because he couldn't see me any other way anymore.

It's something I don't understand at all. What difference would it even make? Are we not friends? What do you even call this? What are we then?

I don't ask him these questions, I just really don't get him. I don't like these words... I could accept that rather than losing him when he goes back to him, but would he be able to really do that, see us like that?

And could our relationship just change suddenly like that if we ever got too close? I want to be closer to him, I want to support him like he has done for me, I want to laugh together, I want us to share more than just the bubbles outside of reality.

We just keep the call going by messing around and laughing about everything, we end up with a good feeling about it all, even though I'm still confused I appreciate having reestablished some boundaries.

Then one evening he calls me. I pick up, he's coming home from work and I'm getting ready for an oncoming trip. I tell him he looks cute today, he makes some bitchy joke, tells me a bit about his day, asks me if I'm free to meet tomorrow, I say uuugh. I have a concert tomorrow. Maybe I can cut some time before? He says it's okay I'm busy, he's gonna leave me be.

I really don't want him to, but I don't have enough time to split between him and my other special people in those busy days.

This was Thursday, before Bologna Pride. On Sunday, he contacts me again. He remembered I was coming back. I had not heard a peep from him since Thursday, and was surprised to see his name pop up as I was trying to get back home. We chat, asks me how it went, I share some drama. He calls me while I'm in the shower. I pick up, give him a whole little show and we keep being silly for a while. Then I ask "so, what's up with you?"

And he answers "I got separated"

Episode 5: Where are we now?

I am obviously shocked and tell him wait wait wait wait wait. When? How? Tell me what happened.

He says it happened few days ago, like Thursday. Thursday?! That's... the day you called me last. Why didn't you tell me anything?? "What was I supposed to bother you with my business? You were busy" okay. But this is important! You should have told me something, I'd have found some time for you. Fuck.

I ask him how he's doing, he says a weight lifted off his shoulder, I don't buy it. Still I tell him I'm glad if he feels better now, but ik it must be hard... still living together, having to split their life, how is he gonna handle it? What about the economical issues? I'm there if he needs.

It's been almost a week. And ever since it's been a mess.

All the boundaries we set, shattered.

I suddenly realized in my head our relationship had a counter, his husband was a buffer, a clear limit, it kept this controlled. Now we are out of bounds, I don't know where it's going, and how much longer I will have to deal with these feelings. Suddenly I feel very uneasy. Suddenly they start exploding inside of me.

Suddenly he changes. He contacts me all the time, he drives by the mornings when I wait for the bus and does everything to get noticed to say hello to me, then writes me good morning too. Suddenly we're always talking, he sex calls me even if his "almost ex" is in the house. Suddenly he gives me his personal number, he doesn't feel like he has to hide anymore and he opens... he opens up more and more to me, to whatever this is.

And it drives me up a wall. I'm confused, overwhelmed, nothing changed and yet everything changed at once.

I think about him so much I hardly sleep at night, and I know nothing changed. This can't happen. We can't happen. Why is he being like this now? I thought we agreed. We can't be. But he's tearing down all walls. What the hell does he think he's doing?

He's clearly... not stable now. He's volatile. He says one thing, does another, says another, changes his mind. He's going through things even he struggles to admit or understand, his feelings are all over the place, good and bad. I don't know how to act or react. I want to help, I want to be there, but will he let me? Will he push back again? Can we be friends? What does he really want now? Does he even know?

He flirts and pokes and pulls back.

And I want more.

It burns too bright, it sizzles, it stings, it burns, it cools, and I want everything it makes me feel. I understand nothing.

In another night of our Brand: Complete Honesty (last night) we are messing around and he tells me "you run the risk of falling in love with me" I tell him SHUT THE FUCK UUUPP. I will slap you. He says why? I tell him you know what you're doing. Let sleeping dogs lie. He says he doesn't want to hurt me. He feels more than just good with me, and he really doesn't want to leave me, but if this becomes too much to handle for me, he doesn't want to hurt me and he's willing to step back. He's hurting for the separation, he still cares too much about his husband, he doesn't know how to deal with everything that's going on now.

I tell him I understand perfectly... I know how hard it must be. This was a big decision, a destabilizing, life-altering one, and maybe one taken too suddenly.

And I want nothing more from you than what we have. I am happy with whatever the fuck this is. It makes me happy. I just want to keep having this, because I'm always afraid someday you will just... be gone.

He said he'd never disrespect me like that. I believe him, I might not truly get what's on his mind, but I know his heart.

He tells me with today almost all their friends know and it's the moment of the families knowing too, and only today he almost cried.

I say it must be the worst moment... my heart aches for him. I don't tell him that, but thinking of him that way breaks me a little. I wish I could be there. Do something. I wish I could help.

We were supposed to meet on Sunday, go to the beach, and fuck. But with everything that's going on I tell him obviously he doesn't need to feel like we have to meet up, but I'd still like to see him. Just to talk and spend time together, not to fuck. He tells me "Sunday I will be with friends, they've been really a great help splitting between me and my husband for support... that's what I had to tell you today" okay it's not the first time "you had to tell me" something u won't tell me until the last second bitch 😂 but that part aside, I get it. I'm glad he has those people. He says he doesn't know when he will free up, and that I should make my own plans and not wait around for him... I tell him I have things to do in the house anyway. So what if I just decide to wait anyway? If he feels like meeting we can, I'll be occupying my time with my own things even if I wait.

Then I tell him he's a fucker though. "Why? 🤣" cunt you keep confusing me. You're volatile, moody, you keep changing your mind and I don't really think you know what you want either. I keep telling myself I need to get over it before I get under it, but then we suddenly have these open hearted moments that remind me of why I don't want to leave.

He asks "wait so should I feel flattered that I'm making the head of a boy so smart and knowledgeable and well prepared go on the fritz or is this a shitty flaw of mine?" I answer you keep talking like that and I'm biting you.

Once again confused, clueless, with our hearts open, laughing, just enjoying each other, not knowing what we want, not knowing what this is, not knowing where anything is going, but we are. Whatever we are. We are.

And so, this is the saga of CMM, now Separated Man. The man I am inevitably, disastrously falling in love with. Even though it's bad and I really don't want to.

But I have decided I want to live it all. Until it crashes and burns, and then I will live that too.