#3.2.25

3.2.25

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and i shouldn’t be surprised.

i don’t need the drama i really don’t.

a second blocked number? girl i could do this all day. ive placed restraining orders before and i can do it again

the fact that i keep begging you to leave that nasty energy away from me is sick. i keep begging for this to end in peace and you just want us to hate each other.

well i blocked you again so keep it up.

i am 100% sure you drank alcohol. i know you did. i am certain because of how intensely nasty you are to me. the only other time ive seen you be so cruel is when you got so drunk you hit me snd burned down our lives.

and now this? i’m good. i’ll pass. i don’t need the drama at all.

i blocked her on everything.

if you ask me how i feel? empty. like dying. like everything i’ve worked for for years went down the tubes in a matter of minutes.

it’s surreal. i’ve been here before and it’s somehow different.

i can’t really process how to feel about this right now. i can’t rationalize through her reasonings. they don’t make sense to me.

all i can say is 2 days ago i left town and we were in love and today my entire life is shattered again. but maybe that’s the problem - this life was already shattered and we’ve been trying to put the pieces back together for 9 months. but can you put pieces together when something has been shattered beyond repair?

i feel numb and also a great loss. a huge hole in my chest. a void where there used to be love.

and in the tiniest tiniest way i also feel free. free from the tumultuous drama of this situation. i know i don’t deserve this, and as much as i love you, this is too much.

it’s hard not to feel like this year has taken so much from me. first K, now Ivy. it hurts. it doesn’t even feel fair. but i have to know and believe that im the gift in this situation. i’ve given so much love to both of these situations but i can only do so much without considering the energy im getting in return.

at this moment, everything is surreal. my will to live feels uncertain. i love my friends and family so much and i constantly think about how unfair this would be to them.

but i feel such a large hole in my chest right now. it feels unbearable. impossible. it feels like i won’t be able to survive with this pain. and i’m alone. i was discouraged from talking about what im going through with my friends and family and no matter what she says, i haven’t spoken on our serious issues at all. that’s not to say that i haven’t tried to share things about our relationship, but ive always done so in a way that was caring and not divulging our most private issues.

now you’re texting me on a fake number to hassle me about stupid shit? stop it. be for real. come for me in any way you can but you’re just putting s nail further into the coffin and i don’t want that energy from you.

after everything, i always want peace and you always want war. that should’ve been a red flag to me from jump and it has been, but i believed you when you said you would change.