A different normal
Two years ago I finished active treatment. People often assume that end of active treatment means all better, move on and get back to normal. That’s not the case. Treatment fucks you up and with cancers receptive to hormones, hormone therapy causes its own issues. For me the combination of it all has left me with serious chronic pain and fatigue.
The hardest part of my journey since finishing active treatment, has been accepting my new normal as being very different from what I believed it was going be.
Due to pain and fatigue I had to give up on working and studying as a public health nurse. Studying was such a large part of my life pre cancer and a large part of my identity; giving it up was crushing. I felt defeated by cancer because it had taken away so much of what defined me as me.
I was very low and grieving this loss. In January I realised how low I was and the impact it had all had, when I woke up from a nap screaming out loud “I want my life back.” This was a defining moment for me. I could not go back, I could only move forward.
I decided to give my mood a few weeks to start to improve and if it didn’t I would have a chat to my GP. My mood did improve. Slowly. Recovery is never a straight line and I still have dips where I struggle with my physical limitations.
However good things have happened and are happening as well. I started seeing some one new, Cassie. I had, when we started seeing each other, two other relationships. I’m poly and this work well for me. It makes me happy.
It was clear from the start that, despite the 13 year age gap, that we had a lot in common. Our values are the same,we have a similar sense of humour, a love of music and more besides.
Prior to meeting Cassie I was adamant that I would never live with anyone ever again. However Cassie is different. To be honest we are both pretty ‘different’ and perhaps its this which has bought us closer together. Cassie makes me ridiculously happy, brings out the best in me, accepts me, my faults and querks. I cant believe how lucky I am.
Life goes on and as such I planned to return to nursing. My body however isn’t up for this and I’m ok with that now. I have new plans, new dreams and hopes for the future, that I’m working on bringing to fruition. The Dutch have a saying ‘you have to eat what’s on your plate’. I think it means you need to make the most of what you have. It’s been a long process but I with celebrating being two years NED, I’m also celebrating all the positive things in my life and the ability to make the most of them.
