#290424

Reflecting on the unsettling dynamics of my past encounters with him, one particular incident stands out vividly in my memory. After one of my attempts to break off contact with him, he unexpectedly appeared at my door three months later while delivering food. He knew there are only two restaurants that I order from. I wasn’t aware that he had started working at one of them, and seeing him brought back waves of fear and discomfort. Despite my shock at his sudden appearance, I found myself frozen, unable to react, pretending as if everything was normal. He started crying and asked me why I had ignored and blocked him, further intensifying my feelings of confusion and discomfort. His sudden appearance caught me completely off guard.

I never reported him to the police because I wasn’t sure if it was seen as harassment and sexual assault and was too ashamed because I froze during the assault. When I got myself tested after the assault, I even lied to the doctor about the reason for the test. I also never shared this experience with anyone, and when I tried to talk about it with one of my friends, his response was unsupportive. It made me feel invalidated and silenced, preventing me from opening up about the full extent of what had really happened. My other friend was often too busy and had a tendency to label her friends based on whether or not they were ‘drama-free.’ Feeling unsure of how she would react, I hesitated to confide in her as well. I also considered telling my mom since she knew I went on a date with him when it happened, but I held back. Her tendency to become verbally aggressive and use such information against me left me feeling unable to share the truth with her. During one of the breathwork sessions I did in March, I allowed myself to cry and grieve about the assault and all that happened around it. I felt like I grieved a part of me that died in that awful experience. However, despite this emotional release, I still couldn’t bring myself to talk about it when we were sharing afterwards. Perhaps it was because of shame and fear of being misunderstood. Writing about it here feels somewhat as a relief, and hopefully, in a way, it helps others with similar experiences.

After struggling with the emotional aftermath of the assault and struggling to find support from those around me, I found myself resorting to smoking weed every night before bed as a means to numb my emotions and ignore the reality of what had happened. Understanding this dynamic has provided valuable insight into my own journey. Quitting weed 111 days ago was a significant step for me, and the serendipitous discovery of this timing today fills me with surprise and affirmation, strengthening my resolve to quit and my decision to write about it. It turned out to be one of the best decisions I’ve made, and perhaps I wouldn’t have come to this point of realization if I hadn’t. I can now work on forgiving myself and letting go of the self-blame, understanding that freezing during the assault was a common reaction to the overwhelming situation.

Whenever he contacted me, I acted like nothing had happened. It took me over a year and a lot of dark secrets of his that I had found out to break things off for good with him. Looking back, I realize in how much danger I actually was – his brother is arrested and is a first-degree murder suspect, and he himself is suffering from mental issues as a war veteran and has a case against him for rape and assault. When I froze during the assault, it may have saved my life. Things could have gotten so much worse had I resisted. As I continue on my journey of healing, I hold onto the hope that I will never have to cross paths with him or endure his presence again.

Cách đây 2 tháng (hoặc 1 tháng) cũng trong đêm đen tôi đã nghĩ rằng: tôi nên sống cho mình.

Sau đó tôi nghĩ về tương lai, của tôi và con.

Nếu ví dụ sự lỡ làng, tôi phải làm gì để tốt nhất cho con tôi. Tôi đã đủ tiền tiết kiệm chưa? Tôi đã làm hộ khẩu cho con chưa?

Tôi đây lúc nghĩ tới, cho đến sáng hôm sau nước mắt vẫn rơi tí tách. Trên đường đi làm vẫn khóc. Đứng trước cửa công ty lấy hết tinh thần để không khóc nữa. Buổi trưa lẻn xuống lobby ngồi khóc.

Vì tôi thương con.

Tôi sống an nhàn nên có thể đã quên vốn liếng cho mình nếu có "lỡ như".

...Sau đó tôi chọn mua thuốc giảm căng thẳng.

Đau lòng quá tôi lại quay về tìm Tumblr nói chuyện. Chuyện lòng mình đêm nay bỗng trở nên trống trãi.

Ước có thêm viên thuốc ngủ, mà hôm nay tôi đã uống đủ liều.