#27.01.2016

hello there i'm sitting on my bed and i feel like crying for a thousand years i'm dreaming of my girl and the life we'll have: so colourful, so beautiful, so intense, so right, so good, so meant to be. meant to be, like every star has lined up to shine upon us. i couldn't imagine myself anywhere else but naked in her arms; i couldn't imagine any other life but one filled with her kisses and the warmth of her embrace when we're old and grey and tired from work and she kisses my wedding ring lightly and yet my head's a mess a mess a mess a mess a mess, it's bpd i guess "unstable sense of self", thank you for nothing. i have no idea WHAT i am. i'm dreaming of all those things and then and then and THEN. 30 seconds later i'm having wide awake nightmares of my girl holding the ghost of me pressed to her breasts because i feel like i'm a ghost i'm a ghost i'm a ghost i'm a ghost i'm a nothing i'm a void a void a shadow a ghost a shadow a void and the people i love all around me are a kaleidoscope of colors and sounds and stars stars stars stars and she's somewhere else from me suddenly, she's living our life already and i'm behind unable to see our life develop before my eyes, behind lost in my mind, so far so far, trapped like the tenth doctor and rose and a wall that separates dimensions; and i'm crying and placing my hand on that wall and sometimes i feel her with an intensity that would make suns burn, and sometimes not. and when i feel her, i see our future so intense so bright so ALL. ALL. ALL. ALL i could ever possibly need, ALL I could ever build my house and dreams upon. A L L. all that could possibly be and when i don't - all the love i have for her bursts out somewhere in my mind and i feel the deepest affection for all of the other stars in my life but at the same time i feel so FAR from her. far. LOST. WALLS. GHOST. and it's SCARY and all that other love for friends and FAMILY my real family my sister anna and sara and everybody is so OVERWHELMING and at the same time the core of me is missing because all i want is to cling on to HER and in 30 seconds time i go from SEEING our future before my eyes TOUCH it almost to feeling in another dimension where there's all of you stars, and me, but not her, and not really me either because i'm a shadow. and you... you asking me to talk this out and getting it before i even say a word you're in the same dimension as me, i don't know why i don't know how but you're in the same reality as me, and when i'm a shadow and i feel left trapped inside a mirror screaming out for the future that i feel slipping away, you're in the mirror helping me see that the mirror LIES and every beat of my heart is HER, not else. you're close close so that i feel a little more real because i see you and you see me and i need to cry in your arms i need to hold you i need help in putting my pieces back together i need to be held and i i i love you like roots of the same trees and stars of the same constellations do. i kept you alive. i need - i want you to live. i want you to be loved fully like i love her fully and i want to be able to feel that i love her fully ALL THE TIME because this carousel of back and forth and back and forth is driving me mad - and i need your help on that. when i get so dark i need a friend to walk me on that road; i want us to rebuild our minds together so perhaps we'll feel. i know i'm saving yours i don't know why i have that power but i know i do, please help me save mine. please help i need you i need help i'm a ghost. and when my mind's a mess she's a ghost to me too but i hate it and i scream out because she's all i'll ever want, she's all i'll ever build my house and dreams upon. she's far. she's my life. she's far and she's my life she's MY LIFE and i'm a ghost. i'm a ghost. you're somehow real most of the times and i need you. i need a friend i need a friend i need a light i need you, because you'll somehow lead me back to the reality where i am where she is and i'm real and our child is running to her, smiling wide, and i take a pic of my wife and kid together and cry out of joy. that reality. but i'm also scared i'll build walls on you too if you get too close like you're close now don't leave (as in, don't make me- don't make the illness build walls on you too, it takes me far enough from her) and don't leave (as in don't make me say "she was", don't ever dare again) i'll need a hand to guide me back to her when my mind is dark i need a sister i need a best friend i need a light i need you sorry for rambling but you asked me to talk. i talked. i'm still a ghost. she's my all. but i feel so dissociated. i don't know what's real. i guess we are. help.