161203-161204 Ā IU Concert <24 steps: one two three four> TALK
During my trainee days, I was extremely quiet and depress. My senior trainees were gorgeous, tall and sang very well. I was quite poor and didnāt own many things. I was lack of confidence and kind of timid. Being the maknae (the youngest), I was a very solitary person. That was 10 years ago. I hated reality and dreamt a lot. I even dreamt when I was sleeping. I really like to sleep, even for now. Often woke up and found myself sleeping for 8 to 9 hours! There is no time for me to rest whenever Iām busy, so I sleep a lot when I rest. Time passes so quickly without being noticed when Iām doing nothing. Anyways, I like dreaming when Iām sleeping. As compared to reality, I like dreams better. As the time I spent on talking got shorter, the time I spent being alone got longer. Those times when I secretly indulged in daydreaming were precious to me. I will cherish these memories for a long time. Back then, my company provided me a dorm that was much better than my house located in Uijeongbu. It was a huge modern building with adequate heating system located in rich housing area. Despite being the maknae, I was given a single room all for myself. Other trainees had to live in the same dorm together. The fridge was always full and manager unnie (older sister) often prepared meal for me too. The environment was much better than my house. I felt like I was in debt, which was true. Back then, I didnāt understand well that everything provided to the trainees were also counted as debt. Trainees have to pay their debt to agency after debut, I earned them only after clearing the debts. Calmly sharing the reality, hahaha. Being the maknae, everybody was nice to me and I didnāt get scolded much. To be honest, I hated the dorm although it was indeed nice. Mainly because I couldnāt feel any warm feelings there, whatās more I was a good-for-nothing. So I hated there. Since then, Iāve begun to write diary till now. Lacking of confidence was the reason I started it. āWhy am I living, where am I, where am I goingā, I recorded down because I had doubts. If I donāt record down āwhy am I surviving todayā, I would feel like everything was just illusion. Even āI ate Troop Stew todayā could be an evidence proving that āIām still aliveā. I would still go through them as time passes. There was a phrase written there āAlthough I could feel the warmth, but strangely I have no courage.ā
2008, I was grade 3 and debuted with the song āMia š§ā, do all of you remember? Itās been 7 years. Most trainees needed 7 years of training before debut, but I was lucky enough to debut after only 10 months of training. āMiaā is quite difficult to sing, the key is high and the lyrics are tricky. Anyone still sings this in KTV? It would be more easy to reach high notes with soft voice. But the pronunciation is hard which makes it harder to reach higher keys. I felt exhausted when I sang this in grade 3, but still not an easy song for me now. I was busy after making my debut. Although this album didnāt have any achievements, I want to thank Loen Entertainment that put effort to help me release more albums. Thanks to them, I gained lots of fans and acknowledgements through releasing mini albums, single track, official album and schedules. And cleared my debts hahaha, really busy though. Sounds like a black-hearted company haha. 9 years passed so quickly. Debuting at a young age enable me to achieve my dream earlier, but there are pros and cons. I donāt have deep impression for my childhood. I debuted with that hard song, āMiaā but didnāt feel like a real singer after that.
Ā I didnāt get that āKyah, Iāve finally become a singerā feels in āMiaā or āGood Dayā era where my popularity rose, but in 2014 which is 2 years ago, remember? I was 22 back then. I want to talk about stories happened in that period. I released 4 times of song. Which songs were they? āNot Spring, Love, or Cherry Blossomšā in spring. This song really brings out the spring feels of my springtime. Will the upcoming spring keep me warm? I still remember it was April 8th,2014 because I practiced hard with my former trainee friends. Itās the debut song for boy-group HIGH4 from another company. I felt uneasy due to AKMUās comeback. āAh, what should I doā¦ā, the situation wasnāt helping since ā200%ā and the 2 other songs sounds amazing too. I really love it but hmmā¦I shouldnāt help them with the streaming. I was super desperate and kept praying āPlease be a hit, pleaseā while waiting for 4/8. Later, I released everyoneās favourite album āThe Flower Bookmarkš¼ā on my birthday. Held a small theatre concert which was totally different from big concerts. I thought āDonāt think this will be a successā but it did and I was super satisfied, gained more confidence and memories. If thereās a chance, do join me in the small theatre concert again. When the 1st beat of āMeaning of Youā came out, a strong emotion hit me so hard and left me with deep impression. Singing this song together with fans makes my heart throb. āļøSummer, I donāt really work during summertime. As all of you know, hits like āGood Day ā ļøā,āYou & I šā and āFriday šā were released in šfall. 2014 summer, I didn't expect āSummer Loveā would receive so much love because I felt like it wasnāt my style while recording it. I didnāt sing this song much after that, but now I think it sounds super good after practicing for this concert. So, I suggested to add dance when the āUlalaā part comes out hoping to reach everyoneās liking. This song was added in the list today due to my stubbornness. I decided to let myself rest during āļøwinter since I worked so hard for the collaborations with HIGH4, senior Kim Changwan and Ulala Session. Just then, I got a call from my big senior, Seo Taiji. I felt like Iām a promising junior when I received this wonderful song āSogyeokdongāļøā. Although Iāve never been there before, but I sang the song with scenic landscape in my mind. And so I featured in the album of one of my favourite singer. It was an honour.
Anyone here dislike G.O.D? No right? They are seniors who I really admire. Recently I went to a BBQ restaurant and met senior Yoon by coincidence. And he was sitting at opposite of my table, wearing a hat and could only see a part of his face, heās senior Yoon Kye Sang. Since I was ugly that day, didnāt dare to ask for his signature. I took part in their album too. Thatās how 2014 ended. Iām grateful that all my songs have great achievements. This is embarrassing to say it myself, butā¦ my songs topped 1st place and received trophies. That was my glory year as a singer. āIām finally a singerā! Although everything was perfect, but my heart had doubts and dropped in confidence. Every time someone praised me, Iād think that āDo I deserve it?ā and constantly doubting and hating myself. This is my first time sharing this out. I had hard times going on show because I doubt that I could show a cheerful side of me or meet your expectations. That was why I had less TV appearances. Also, I didnāt feel well and suffered from Binge Eating (Consuming large quantity of food in short period of time). Of course Iām okay now. I couldnāt sleep well too, but couldnāt find the reason behind it. My life was going on pretty well. Everyone praised me like āPretty!ā, āYouāve done well, great!ā but I questioned myself āWhy donāt I have confidence in myself?ā while looking up the sky emotionally. āReality is kind towards me, but why do I hate myself?ā. With that, I suffered from Insomnia (Sleeplessness) š¤.Ā
Sleep deprivation affected my mornings. I felt miserable when morning arrived. I couldnāt do anything because my brain was befogged all day. I was disappointed in myself. āI value sleep a lot, but why canāt I fall asleep? Why canāt my sleep cycle follow its normal pattern? Strange.ā It was a vicious cycle. There were so many things waiting for my decision and my condition wasnāt helping at all. For example, parting away with close staff, whether to renew contract or not and deciding what concept for next album. I renewed my contract with Loen Ent. even when I had doubts in myself. Now the name has changed to āFave ent.ā That was because everybody treated me well, took good care of me. I began to take initiative in producing my music. I wanted to produce an album but I hesitated. I wasnāt sure what to do. āIf I release albums like the ones before, will I wear out?ā, I questioned myself a lot and finally got my answer. The answer was right at the end of my concern. āI should release a straightforward album that tells about my discomfort and anxiety whenever I receive compliments.ā I began to prepare new album in a daze, and decided to name it āChat-Shire š°ā with the 1st song I sang just now āTwenty-threešā as title track. But Iām 24 this year. This album represents everything about me. My mischievous behaviour that tortures me, but I really am playful though. I thought āWill there be any album harder than this?ā as I was preparing it. I fought a lot with the staff due to conflict of opinion, and redid a few times. āFinally done!ā, I put my mind at ease and slept peacefully. I love the album, and I'm still in love with the album. This album is lacking in many aspects, and I feel sorry the everyone here who had high expectations. I could have done better than this, Iām sincerely sorry and grateful. āChat-shireā is frankly written from a producerās perspective, and frank reviews were given, it was hard for me. Iām very thankful to those who listened and evaluated this album attentively. I know it has left much to be desired but I have that āIāve finally achieved a huge thing!ā feeling now. This album might be superficial, but no exaggerated compliments towards the album or me. Which also means this album received appropriate evaluation. āChat-Shireā is precious to me. Itās like my fingers, I would rather let myself suffer from the pain but never for my fingers. Although there are many people who dislike this album. It has been a year since I released āChat-Shireā, time passes fast right?Ā
I've been preparing for my new album, and I've appeared in my drama āMoon Lovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo šā¤ļø.ā Many of my Moon Lovers family members are here today. Iām the type to get shy easily, but warmed up with them fast while filming the drama. Hope everybody watch it! I enjoyed filming the drama, and gained many friends. After filming ended, I'm taking a break these days. As mentioned before, Iāve been practicing all day like a trainee, preparing for my new album. This is the first time I have sometime ever since debut, feels good. I donāt have schedules, youāre upset right? Iām not resting, but working hard to prepare something interesting. Although work is work, but I care for how people think of me or when did they start to like me. But I donāt really care how I think of myself or when did I feel satisfied with myself after debut. āChat-shireā is the album that will make me recall back who I am now in the future. Those days are really meaningful to me. Iām trying to get rid of my bad habits and develop good habits like showing āNot the side of me thatās being shown, but simply just me.ā in the future. Surely Iād get better and healthy soon.
Ā I donāt really read back what Iāve done before, but Iām reading the interviews I did when I was a newbie these days. And one interview fascinates me. When I was still in high school, I was asked about my ambition and I answered āProducing albumā. I had Goosebumps! My dream somehow came true. To be honest, Iām not really a strategist or planner. I didnāt come this far with that dream, but unconsciously did it. A thought flashed across my mind- āEvery dream I dreamt when I was young came true, I should have dreamt moreā¦. Like billboard haha.ā Iāve been dreaming a lot lately, hoping that these dreams will come true 10 years later. It has been forever since I dreamt for a dream, amazing. Of course, we shouldnāt just dream for fun and let go of them, new album will be released by next year. Next year is the 24th step right? I hope the 24th step will be peaceful. I hope more people will be looking forward with thoughts like āWhat differences will she have for this time?ā It would be amazing if these people love this step the same as me.
[Marshmallow Doll (ft. pink angel wings)ļ¼our adorable manager Hanteo]Ā
Iāve changed a lot, hope everyone support me and love the new side of me. Now, I wonāt ever feel lost or uneasy when I receive love and support. I can take in and manage them well. Gradually improving, feels good. This is the end of our talk, quite long right? Iāve never told anyone this before. But itās better since Iāve always been holding and trying to overcome it by myself. It has become one of my habits. But now I can share with my fans in concert. Iām glad no one fell asleep till the end. This song was written at a night when I hated myself so much. There were some saying that this song sounds dangerously dark, and asked if I want to die. But no, this is not a song about wanting to die, but wanting to live well. The song that gives me hope. For me, itās a cheerful song. You may sleep when I sing the song because I wrote this song hoping people would fall asleep while listening to it. Really, I wonāt get angry. I wish all of you will have good dreams whenever youāre asleep, or awake.
āØTHE END āØ
Source: Squishyās audio recording Translated by 4seasonswithIU
