#20thbday

As I complete my twentieth rotation around the sun, I can't help but take this time to acknowledge myself, my failures, and my successes.

I am 20 years young, and yet I feel I have already endured a lifetime of different kinds of suffering, pain, loss, learning, wisdom, friendship, and love. There is so much left for this heart of mine to take in.

It has been a rough two years mentally. I love college, I have learned so much more than I anticipated, and I have friendships that will last my lifetime. However, I do not have the self love or understanding that I need for where I am now. 

I feel moments of happiness in classes, or out with friends, but I spend most nights crying from confusion of who I am and what I want. Most of my energy is not used to dance or study, but for my mind to argue back and forth between two opposing states of myself. I am lost.

I am learning it is okay to be lost. And it is more than necessary to do what my heart knows is right for me. This year I will be giving myself the gift of allowance. Allowing myself to do what is necessary for me and my well being, not what others want for or of me. 

I will be taking a leave of absence from school to have more time to reflect on who I am and discover myself without the stress of turning in assignments on time and being surrounded by people in a more determined mindset than mine. 

I have learned so very much from my mentors and peers and they inspire me every day, but I need to learn how to inspire myself. I need to let my head and my heart heal so I can continue growing healthily into who I truly am.

It has taken many months to get to this conclusion, and I want to say thank you to my friends, family, and teachers for standing by me as I have traveled all around on this rollercoaster. I reached my breaking point and you were all there to support me even if you didn't know how. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love looks like.

I look to discover the true depth of this unconditional love in my self, so I know how to do the same. 

Someone recently told me, "we only get one animal (body, heart, soul, however you prefer) in our lifetime, so it is our biggest responsibility in life to take care of that animal. Bathe it, give it massages, give it love, give it what it needs." It's about time I start to feed this animal of mine what it deserves.