#20somethingangst

about a new year is that we always want it to be better than the last. people have been writing songs about this very thing for years. and i sometimes feel terrible for wanting the gods or god or the capital s Something (thanks, john green) to smile down upon me and help me to live under the guise that everything is okay all the time.

because we all know that everything is not okay all of the time.

i went back to work this week, after a 10 day "snowcation." it was horrible. there are days when i wake up and the first thought that runs through my head is, "i. don't. want. to. do. this. anymore." i came home feeling drained and absolutely defeated. the day before was no better. i went to the doctor to get test results and the doctor acted like everything was just fine, but i wasn't fine with the things she was telling me. and i let my mom come into the exam room (something i normally would not do) to put her mind at ease. but that did not work, because she just kept talking. and talking. and i couldn't ask any questions because i didn't know what to ask and there was just so much noise and i wanted to collapse right there on the goddamn floor. but i'm too strong for that.

 yesterday, after i cancelled a job because i couldn't speak, i found out  that my diagnosis may be false, because I WASN'T EVEN TESTED FOR THE THING THAT I SUPPOSEDLY HAVE. is it a life threatening thing? no. is it life-changing? the medical bills that will result from the barrage of OTHER TESTS and follow-ups say hell yes, it is.

and now we return to the first thing. i went back to work. my fuse was already short because of things going on in my personal life. looming uncertainty is the worst thing in the world. and i couldn't teach. i couldn't teach the one thing that i am qualified to teach because nobody wanted to learn. or listen. or try. why in fuck doesn't anybody want to learn anymore?!

and so, after work, i decided to call my mom. it was a mistake i knew i shouldn't have made, but i just wanted to talk to her. because she's my mom. i didn't want to talk to anyone else. i almost never want to talk to anyone at all. i told her about my frustrations and the day i'd had and how i just wanted to quit. reset. go back. and i started to cry. right there in the middle of the commons area. i became an adolescent again, crying over nothing and everything all at once. and my mom threw in some words of encouragement as i pulled myself together. but these are the only words i remember her saying: "i don't do well alone." and all the things i ran away from came flooding back to me. what if we did got a two-bedroom apartment and lived together again? would it be okay? i know the answer to that question. we both do, because i am the opposite. i do well alone. i come home from busy days to quiet, and this place that i live in is the most perfect place because it is quiet. and i am alone, but i am not lonely.

Growing up is weird.  I am going to be 27 in about two weeks.  The 20's have been a roller coaster.  One area of my life that seems to still be a whirlwind is "friendship".  The last few weeks on my tumblr, I have addressing what I am blessed and grateful for.  I am such a lucky guy.  I really am.  I have so many wonderful people in my life.  These last few weeks....I am making such an effort to surround myself with good people.  I am still learning....but, I am really seeing and feeling how awful toxic relationships are. 

Toxic relationships come in all shapes and sizes.  It could that friend that seems to constantly be a stress.  It could that friend that you feel like you're babysitting when you hang out.  It could be that friendship where you are completely taken advantage of.  It could be that friendship that just seems to suck the life out of you.  It could be that friendship where things are just different now.....

Over the last few days, I've compiled a very short list of what friendship isn't.  I think people get so caught up in what they think a friend is.

I of course need to remind myself of these things daily.  I'll be the first to admit that I am not perfect whatsoever.  I have a natural gift of screwing up hahaha!

1)  A friendship is not a one way street.  It's a compromise.

2)  A friendship is not solely based on nostalgia.  It's a journey, welcoming the new.

3)  A friendship is not a "like" on Facebook.  It's not the occasional facebook message.  It's not the occasional text message.  A friendship is actual interaction.

4)  A friendship is not saving someone.  It's helping each other.

5)  A friendship is not out of guilt.  It's out of joy.

6)  A friendship is not forced.  It's natural.

7)   A friendship is not about anxious.  It's calming.

8)  A friendship is not lack of understanding.  It is understanding.

9) A friendship is not dishonest.  It is honest.

10)  A friendship is not a chain.  It is relief.

11)  A friendship is not about gift giving.  It is about being with each other.   That, in of itself, is an awesome gift.

As I have stated before, I cannot afford WiFi in my apartment.  It’s the deal breaker.  I am like, broke.  I am typing this the evening of April 1, 2013 and hopefully will post it the morning of the 2nd.

 There has been a ton on my mind lately.  Not good.  Not bad.  Just a lot of stuff.  I haven’t been sleeping too well and I have been feeling a bit restless. 

 I’m making a conscious effort to ween myself off of Facebook for a little bit.  I feel pathetic to even have to say it like that.  Ween myself off!?  Shouldn’t it be easy?!  It’s not!  And that in of itself is sad hahaha.  It’s become a solid means of communication.  And it has become too much of a time waster again.  The worst is that people have called me out for deactivating it before.  Like, who cares.  Just call me.  Come over!  I’m not trying to withdrawal myself entirely.  I just got to get stuff DONE.

Which leads me….I have to figure something out soon about my future.  I will be making big decisions very soon.  Exciting, nonetheless.  It’s just all very overwhelming.  I have been thinking about Portland Oregon, a LOT lately. That move was the bravest thing I’ve ever done.  I got on a plane, left home, and really not sure when I was coming back.  Came home for Christmas….and then found myself going right back.

 I also found that I “grew” the most over there.  Would I settle there and spend the rest of my life over there?  Probably not.  But, it was terribly refreshing.  I constantly find myself stuck in these pauses….with like little to no personal growth.  Maybe I’m being hard on myself….but I’m eager…SO eager to try something really new. 

 It’s exciting and I can talk all I want about it.  I just wish sometimes I acted on things I THINK about all the time.  Maybe I should go back to Oregon for a bit. 

 I also need to find a new job.  Like ASAP.  I have officially been dropped with the medical benefits and I’m paying for them out of pocket.  It’s a disaster and costs far too much.  I have been pretty healthy….and giving this money to the insurance companies like kills me.  What if I DON’T go to the doctor!?  It’s like throwing money out the window. 

 I need change and I could use some tips on how to actually make the changes reality.  I have written a list of things that I want to accomplish in the next year.  I have also begun to make a vision board.  Call me CRAZY but I want to believe that something like that helps.

 I have a ton of goals…and I think it get sloppy when I have too many.  I should narrow in on one, get it done, move to the next. 

 I have also been feeling terribly nostalgic.  Which, for me, I know is not a good thing.  I think the Freudian term is “Regression”….the pursuit in trying to go back into something that once gave me pleasure.  Songs, pictures, people…I’ve been purposely doing things that I used to do to feel good.  Especially listening to old songs.  Isn’t it crazy how a SONG can just like magically take you back!? 

 I’m going to make a consciousness effort to let “NEW” into my life.  I have this new apartment….old job.  I should try to spice the job up and maintain and explore my new neighborhood more often.  To my defense the weather has been terribly crappy hahaha.

 I also desperately need to work on the relationship with my family.  Easter was a complete disaster and I am definitely part to blame.  I will admit it.  I am not perfect haha.  My mother and my siblings still have this bizarre attitude towards my sexuality.  Surprisingly, the dad is like okay with it.  But everything is still in whisperers.  It’s weird.  Like we all know, secrets out, cats out of the bag so to speak.  But it’s still this taboo topic.  It kills me when we go around the table and my sister is able to openly speak about her relationship and my parents interrogate my brother whether or not he has a girlfriend.  And then the questions skip right over here.  (How much of a brat do I sound hahaha). 

 Well.  Not to BRAG, but, I did a good job today.  It’s April 1st.  And if I did what I did today, M-Th until the end of June, I think I’ll be in good shape haha.  Words of encouragement from time to time would be greatly appreciated.