#getitallout

There needs to be scream classes where people individually and collectively scream together and then share with each other what's on their mind. I would ersonally love that!

about a new year is that we always want it to be better than the last. people have been writing songs about this very thing for years. and i sometimes feel terrible for wanting the gods or god or the capital s Something (thanks, john green) to smile down upon me and help me to live under the guise that everything is okay all the time.

because we all know that everything is not okay all of the time.

i went back to work this week, after a 10 day "snowcation." it was horrible. there are days when i wake up and the first thought that runs through my head is, "i. don't. want. to. do. this. anymore." i came home feeling drained and absolutely defeated. the day before was no better. i went to the doctor to get test results and the doctor acted like everything was just fine, but i wasn't fine with the things she was telling me. and i let my mom come into the exam room (something i normally would not do) to put her mind at ease. but that did not work, because she just kept talking. and talking. and i couldn't ask any questions because i didn't know what to ask and there was just so much noise and i wanted to collapse right there on the goddamn floor. but i'm too strong for that.

 yesterday, after i cancelled a job because i couldn't speak, i found out  that my diagnosis may be false, because I WASN'T EVEN TESTED FOR THE THING THAT I SUPPOSEDLY HAVE. is it a life threatening thing? no. is it life-changing? the medical bills that will result from the barrage of OTHER TESTS and follow-ups say hell yes, it is.

and now we return to the first thing. i went back to work. my fuse was already short because of things going on in my personal life. looming uncertainty is the worst thing in the world. and i couldn't teach. i couldn't teach the one thing that i am qualified to teach because nobody wanted to learn. or listen. or try. why in fuck doesn't anybody want to learn anymore?!

and so, after work, i decided to call my mom. it was a mistake i knew i shouldn't have made, but i just wanted to talk to her. because she's my mom. i didn't want to talk to anyone else. i almost never want to talk to anyone at all. i told her about my frustrations and the day i'd had and how i just wanted to quit. reset. go back. and i started to cry. right there in the middle of the commons area. i became an adolescent again, crying over nothing and everything all at once. and my mom threw in some words of encouragement as i pulled myself together. but these are the only words i remember her saying: "i don't do well alone." and all the things i ran away from came flooding back to me. what if we did got a two-bedroom apartment and lived together again? would it be okay? i know the answer to that question. we both do, because i am the opposite. i do well alone. i come home from busy days to quiet, and this place that i live in is the most perfect place because it is quiet. and i am alone, but i am not lonely.