#2021 reflection

so. 2021 is over. and i completed about… 2% of all the things i wanted to. for a while, i was beating myself up over it. but then i realized: it’s okay.

it’s okay that i have over 20 incomplete wips in my drafts. it’s okay that i have a thousand different ideas in my head at all times, but have seemingly lost the ability to bring those ideas to fruition.

is it frustrating? sure; absolutely it is! i feel not only as though i’ve failed you all by not giving you new content to enjoy, but i’ve also failed myself. i love writing so much, and i really miss the constant flow of creative motivation i used to have.

but if there’s one thing that 2021 taught me, it’s that all things take time, good or bad. i’ve spent the entire past year working through grief, loneliness, confusion, and hopelessness. but i’ve also spent the past year creating new friendships, learning new things, and most importantly, i’ve been growing and changing, as everyone should.

now with all that out of the way, i would like to say that i have every intention of posting new projects on here again—and much more frequently this year! the blog will likely be undergoing a bit of reconstruction, and i can’t promise that i’ll be as active as i want, but i can’t wait to share stories and talk to all of you again <3

i’ve missed you all dearly; please feel free to drop an ask or stop by my inbox to catch up! (or to say hi if we’ve never talked before haha)

Now its November. Yes, we have two months left of the year, but around this time every year I always think its a good time to reflect. The last 2 years, throughout this pandemic 2020 and 2021 took away things from me that I loved. I fell out of love with things that I had always had a passion for, gained 28+ pounds and 2 dress sizes and went to one of the darkest places I've ever been.

But it wasn't all bad, I met some wonderful people, bought a house, got promoted, discovered passions for new things that without being forced to stay at home for the best part of 2 years, I never would have found.

From today I am going to set 1 goal per week for something to achieve in 2022. 9 goals. 9 things for me to achieve in 2022 as a way of rediscovering myself. Who I was before Covid. Rediscover those passions, get excited about things again. So instead of 2022 being my year, it's going to me the year of me. The year I realise who I am meant to be instead of the person that everyone else wants me to be.

My writing has probably been my greatest accomplishment of 2021. I started off in January thinking I'd like to get back into writing fic, and tooled around a bit for fun. I set myself an ambitious goal - I wanted to write 100,000 words in 2021. They didn't need to be good and I didn't need to share them.

And here we are at the end of the year - I've blown past this goal and I am so so chuffed!

Some 2021 stats:

Total words: 193,993 (160,104 published, 33,889 tbp)

Total fics: 47

Fandoms: ALL Stargate Atlantis, except for one Green Creek fic, which was my first of the year

Longest fic: In Sickness and in Health (31,252, written for the McShep Big Bang)

Shortest fic: Cardinal Points (674)

Most popular fic (by kudos): Corresponding (My first McShep piece and also the second I published, so makes sense that it's had a lot of time to be read!)

Least popular fic: Leaf Peeping (actually my top three least popular fics were femslash 😭)

My favorite fic: I've loved almost everything I wrote this year, but I especially feel tender towards my rare pairing fics: Pegasus Miracles (Aiden/Ronon) and Fruited and Sweet (Katie Brown/Laura Cadman). They actually both have a similar writing style to them as well, which probably says something!

Some other highlights: I wrote a fic every day in October for my own autumn writing challenge, and I did Romancing McShep, the McShep BigBang, and SGA Secret Santa!

It was a great year for creativity and I had such fun getting back to writing. Massive thanks to the extremely welcoming and supportive SGA/McShep community - such a talented, inspiring, and kind group of people. I've loved reading and writing with you this year!

I didn't like 2021 very much. Especially the first half of it. The problem was, of course, still the on going pandemic. But not the mask wearking or the social distancing or anything. It was the home office. My husband was stuck in home office and that meant that he was around and working far too long. His work hours are a lot later than mine, so that meant I came home at 1 PM and had to sit through him working for at least six to seven more hours. And he did it in our living room. I felt miserable during that time. I hated it so much. My own apartment felt like I didn't belong into it anymore. For me, home office is a really bad thing, because I don't WANT my work in my home. I need them strictly seperated from each other. And my husband being stuck here 24/7 also, that was too much. I love him, yeah, but I need my alone time, I am an extreme introvert and that means that I even have to kick my partner out of the house occassionally. Luckily, my husband caught on and I got my alone time each weekend when he visited his parents. We also cleaned out the unused room and made it into an office for him, so that the living room felt less obstructed. I didn't take a single day off work during the first half year, because I hated being at home. And I couldn't travel. I couldn't go anywhere. Everything was on lockdown. So I couldn't even escape this situation. Luckily, the cases went down and my husband was allowed two days in the office each week, which was some MUCH needed respite for me. He's still operating like that and while I hope badly that he will be in the office for each day besides friday (he is always in home office on friday), it helped calm me down a lot. Then, the vaccine... I wanted it, so BADLY, and I was fine with waiting for it, because some jobs should get it first, but I got really mad when they gave it out to only old people first and so many of them didn't even make appointments or were anti vaxx or anything. I waited so long until they finally made it free for all and just when I wanted to make my appointment with one of the vaccine centres, my thyroid doctor asked me if I wanted the vaccine. Yes, yes I wanted it! So I got my vaccine, both of them. I also have my booster appointment, but it is in February. I will take the vaccine as many times as I need, if that means we can put an end to the pandemic. Speaking of the pandemic, I managed to gain weight during it. Stress eating, not moving much because everything was closed down and also my age probably made me gain around 8 kg. And now my pants didn't fit anymore. I got new clothes and everything should be fine, right? Wrong! There was one piece of clothing I didn't buy anew... it was my bra. And I started to wonder why I had increasing back pain. Then, one day, when I once again was massaging my back at work and noticed that the pain is directly where the bra straps are... I took the bra off and felt how the pain just... dissolved. Of course it didn't vanish for good, but it wasn't inflicted on me anymore. I got new bras, but the damage is done sadly. I have to go to massage therapy now. It slowly gets better. I also bought a massage ball which helps with too bad cramps. Wearing too tight clothes can really do a lot of damage... But, not everything in 2021 was bad! After the lockdown finally ended and we were vaccinated, my husband and me could see movies in the cinema again, one of our favourite activities. I am sure we managed to squeeze around seven movies or so in the last four months of 2021. Yes, we were in the cinema a lot and no, wearing a mask for two and a half hours isn't restrictive at all. I also got video games, quite a few I locked very forward to. Some of them weren't that good as I hope, like Bravely Default II or Story of Seasons Pioneers of Olive Town, but then there was Nier Replicant and also my indie game of the year, Everhood. Both of them are amazing, I rec for anyone to try them out and listen to the music please, it's so GOOD. I also played through Bug Fables, which I liked a lot more than I though. I

This year has been a roller coaster. I've been reading through some of my posts over the last several months and wow, it's been a lot. So let's reflect.

I spent a lot of this year sad, anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed. It feels very strange to type that, but looking back, reading my own words about where my head was at, it's pretty damn obvious that's where I was.

But there were almost moments of joy and excitement and peace. There were moments of good. That I think I sometimes let get drowned out by everything else.

2021 Moments:

We went back to school in person in a super limited capacity in the 20-21 school year. It was so so so good to see kids and have them in my space.

We went full tilt back to 'normal' school in the fall of '21. It's strange but again, so so glad to have my kids in my classroom and form relationships with them.

I had surgery for the first time ever. Recovery wasn't nearly as bad as a lot of people led me to believe it would be.

I had 3 actual science baby attempts which were unsuccessful and 2(3?) cycles that were canceled because of cysts.

I ended therapy because my therapist was leaving the practice - this ended up working out for me because I didn't think he was serving me anymore anyway and I knew I needed to find someone else.

I resigned the lease for my house in Marchish. I continue to mostly enjoy it though my neighbors are still loud af.

I drifted apart a bit from my best friend - it's really hard not working in the same place anymore and maintaining a friendship.

I didn't achieve for national boards and I'm not sad about it. I put in a hell of a lot of work but I also know I didn't put in my best effort for the last 2 components I submitted for a whole hell of a lot of reasons (mostly pandemic related).

I took a second job out of necessity and I don't love that I had to, but now it's a great extra income for science baby stuff & debt from mom stuff.

I spent a lot of time alone. Mostly I'm okay with that choice.

I did not sad watch the entire series of the West Wing this year which I feel like given the year I've had is an accomplishment all its own.

- Depression sucks but you'll get out if you do the things you need to do to get well

- Never date a guy who is always bored

- Dress however you want, no one cares

- Say yes more

- If you do what you love, you become more attractive

- Don't underestimate your skills and knowledge

- You don't need to keep up with friendships that make you feel like shit

- Make more art. Always. Focus less on the outcome and more on the feelings.

- Journal your thoughts

- Always wear a scarf on you bag

- Call your parents more often