#2020summary

Of course, 2020 has proven to be a chaotic year. There were the Australian bushfires, the rise of social unrest (ex. the protests that began after the death of George Floyd), and, obviously, the COVID-19 pandemic.

For those who're wondering, this year was just a year of ups and downs for me. Some of the good parts about 2020 were:

Creating a TeePublic storefront to sell some of my artworks

"Discovering" things for me to read and watch

The Ancient Magus Bride (anime and manga)

The Girl from the Other Side (manga)

The Boy and The Beast (anime film)

Erased (anime)

BNA (anime)

Cells at Work! (anime)

Beauty and the Beast (1946 Cocteau film)

Over the Garden Wall (2014 animated mini-series)

Wizards (animated series on Netflix)

The Matrix (1999 film; assigned film to watch for one of my Fall 2020 classes)

Strange Days (1995 film; another assigned film)

Videos posted by The Take (YouTube; highly recommend)

Going to my first Deaf social event

Finding out that I'm graduating college around May 2021

Taking a creative writing class for the first time in years

As for the bad parts of 2020? Well, this is the part where I feel like I want to ramble because I rarely do that on social media and websites like DeviantArt. I apologize if what y'all are about to read next upsets y'all in any way.

After spring break of this year, I had to deal with so many changes because of the COVID-19 pandemic. First, whatever in-person classes I attended became online courses. My response to that transition? I honestly had mixed feelings. Some of my professors were--and still are--exceptionally skilled with doing technological tasks while a few of them weren't. I had to deal with a lot of issues such as lack of clear instructions for assignments and the class structures slowly falling apart (due to disorganization). That not only made me feel frustrated but also like I'm walking on eggshells. (Believe me, I've dealt with stressful situations when I started going to college. However, I think it's safe to say that some classes are better off as traditional face-to-face courses.)

Second, I think the number of problems with my mental health increased after the start of my spring classes. Because I was pressuring myself to get good grades in all my classes, I spent more time focusing on my schoolwork. In fact, I spent so much time doing just that until it got to the point where it was hard for me to relax and do fun stuff. Whenever I do anything that's not school-related, I'd feel guilty afterwards. And when I feel motivated enough to draw something or make a video for my YouTube channel, the motivation would just...vanish. I can't tell you how difficult and awful it is for me to experience that.

When you throw anxiety AND depression into said experience, it's especially worse. I'd feel like I'm not only letting myself down, but also the people who view my work. While I don't want to leave anyone hanging, I don't want to present something with terrible quality. I try to think realistically in terms of finding balance, but it's difficult. It's because of the fact that there are things beyond my control. What I can control is how I choose to express myself and help others. To put it simply, I put on a "mask," suppress my feelings, and act like nothing's wrong. I even believed that if I help other people more than myself, then things would run smoothly for the both of us. If I let the "mask" slip or if I show a shred of emotion, I'd attract unwanted attention (or, worst of all, be judged). It's an internal war I have to deal with. Maybe not on a daily basis, but it's a thing that happens.

Finally...I consider this point to be the hardest part to write about. Actually, it's about as hard as the previous one. On the morning of October 1st, I was experiencing emotional stress when I received a call from my mom. Around the same time I'd fallen asleep the previous night, our dog had a seizure. It had an extremely negative effect on her health, and my parents realized it was time for her to be put down. Because I was at school when I got the call, I had to keep my emotions bottled up until I said my last goodbyes. As y'all can imagine, it was a difficult time for me and my family. We didn't want our dog's life to end that way. But at the same time, we didn't want her to suffer anymore. Like I said, she'd been living with us for sixteen years (which is a long time for a dog to live). I would like to think they were the best ones she'd lived, knowing that she was well taken care of. Love your pets, everybody. Just love them. Dog, cat, rabbit...common or peculiar, whatever y'all have, treat them with unconditional love.

(RIP Katy: April 21st, 2004-October 1st, 2020 - You're the best first pet I had.)

In spite of everything I had to go through, I'm still hanging in there. I'm doing okay. Right now, I'm learning how to open up to other people and not be too hard on myself. There are things I care about, want to do, and see. Maybe those are the reasons why I choose to keep going as well as do what I can. At the same time, I'm learning to slow down and take baby steps.