#20151220

December 20th, a cold Sunday like any other and a cloudy sunset illuminates the horizon. This is what greets me as peer out my window buttoning up my warm winter jacket. 15:53 is on the clock, 3:53pm for you non-military types, seven more minutes until the dining facility opens and I know that Laura works tonight.

Starting my car to warm it up and since I have time to burn, I start folding the donations I was meant to turn in Friday. Nervously trying to think of a way to talk to Laura for an extended period of time to give her a Christmas present. I think to myself, “Since I have a lot of donations and it’s hard to carry I’ll ask her to help me with some boxes like she has in the past.” I get done folding everything (4 pants, 14 shirts, 3 coats, 4 sweaters, 3 jeans, and 1 belt) and sit in the driver’s seat. To my right, the box that has been sitting in my car all day just waiting to be given. It was Laura’s present. Driving there and hoping I see her. I want to ask for her “help” but I really just wanted to surprise her. Pulling into my parking spot a blue sports car speeds up and makes me think he was going to steal my spot. I was getting annoyed at him but instantly calmed down when I saw him just backing up into another spot. I look to the nicely wrapped present in my passenger seat and turn off my car.

Walking towards the door a cold breeze sneaks up on me like an unwelcome relative visit. I hurry up and stomping the snow off my boots and open the door. The man in the blue car wasn’t far behind me so I held the door and he gratefully says thank you. I turn around and see another guy holding the door for me. I was startled. I laugh and thank him. Stomp my boots one more time, take off my hat and gloves and walk towards the serving line.

So excited to see her I walk right past the trays and have to turn around and have to go get one. I’m crushed. I don’t see Laura anywhere. The grill’s lights are turned off, and the only one working on the serving line was Matthew. Picture him as you will as the funny old black guy from movies based back in the day. He’s shorter, big bottom lip, and never misses an opportunity to make a joke in a subtle northern accent. I ordered fish, corn, and green beans. There wasn’t really much of an option and it looked good. Marcus handed me my plate, he was quite tonight, and as I glance up I see her walking around in the back. I get excited but disappointed, by the way she was walking I could tell she wasn’t going to come out to the line and talk. Getting the cups for my drinks I look back hoping to see her. Devastated I don’t and proceed to the check out.

I still needed those boxes because all of the donations were hard to carry. So I asked the cashier if I could get one or two big boxes. He said yeah and just go sit down and he’ll bring them to me. I thanked him and sat down. Taking off my jacket and scarf I see someone sitting down with their head in their hands seeming to be crying. At first glance it didn’t look like Laura so I didn’t think to go over. I sat down started to eat and the cashier asked if the two big boxes he was holding were good. I thanked him and told him they were perfect.

The commotion from our conversation was loud enough to pull the upset stranger’s attention. It was Laura. I hadn’t seen her in so long, her hair was longer, and didn’t recognize her in glasses. Thought about sitting down and finishing my meal but her and I made eye contact and she looked away shamefully. I could almost read her mind, “Don’t come over here.” Was ringing in my mind. She was obviously upset so I had to go and make sure she was okay. Her first words in our conversation were, “You probably hate me.” Know exactly what she meant I told her it was fine but before I could finish saying it she said, “It’s not.” I ask her what’s wrong and she said everything. She was a wreck. Not physically, physically she looked beautiful, but mentally. Her life is really too much for 3 people to handle, she’s taking care of a child that isn’t her own, she has work trouble, and money problems. I wish she wasn’t in such a situation. She is such a sweet and caring woman and she deserves the world. I asked her if she could meet me in the back because I wanted to give her something. She looks at me confused and says she hates surprises. Not wanting her to worry, I told her I got her a present. She glares at me playfully and throws her hat at me. She told me to go finish my meal and we’ll speak after. So I did.

I went over and ate faster than usual but not too fast that I’m choking on my food. I didn’t want her to feel like I was rushing. I was really excited to see her and finally get to have a conversation again. I stand up hoping she sees me getting ready and after I put my coat on she begins to walk over. As I’m putting on my gloves she offers to carry one of the boxes and I happily let her. Putting her ABU cap on she says she loves when people tell her that she’s not supposed to be wearing her hat inside. She tells me it makes her laugh when she corrects them saying she works at the dining facility and she’s meant to.

We get to my car and I notice her shaking from the cold and we quickly put the boxes in the car. Opening the front passenger door, I lean in and pull out a present and hand it to her. Thanking me she gave me a hug. I told her she didn’t have to open it in front of me but if she didn’t I wanted a text when she did. She smile and agreed. Her shaking was even more noticeable and I said we can go back inside if she’d like and she happily agreed.

She told me that she was trying to think of a way to explain everything. In the end she told me everything. But it started with Allison… That child has been such a nescience.  She explains to me that Allison has been skipping school again, which is nothing new, and that Allison has been hanging out with a known local drug dealer in town. The guy is 22 years old and Allison is 15, if the guy wasn’t already, he’s a fucking creep. Laura explains to me that her mother had cancer. Breast cancer, but it had been treated and she is doing fine now.

This time holding the door open wasn’t as frightening. I held the doors open for her and we proceeded to the table where she had previously sat and she told me she might as well tell me everything. Her overwhelmed face looked down, still beautiful as ever but anyone could see that something wasn’t right. Tapping her fingers on the table she says one name, Allison. Her husband and his niece were getting into an argument. Both swearing left and right because she was meant to start taking school seriously and stop doing drugs. Laura tells me that her name was thrown into the mix and she wasn’t even talking with them. Allison storms out of the house, Laura’s husband didn’t stop her. Laura didn’t blame him, I don’t even blame him, I’d let her go. Laura told me that Allison called her a, “Fucking cunt.” Laura was laying in her room when her niece came back. No apology, nothing. Her husband comes from around the corner and say “do you mind if Allison opens a present?” I assumed Laura glared at him and told him she didn’t care. Which she made it quite clear that was exactly how it happened. The gift her niece opened was a gift card to Starbucks and the response to that was, “What the fuck is this shit, I don’t even have a car so I can’t even get there to use it.” She told me she was so upset and just went to bed. It made her feel horrid.

I had been playing with the gift box knocking back and forth, like a cat, but subtly making room for my hand to fit in between it and her notebook. I was listening to every word she was saying and wanted to be able to comfort her. I laid my hand with my palm facing up and gestured towards her holding my hand. She didn’t hesitate. Rubbing her tired and overworked hands I could feel the stress pouring from her body. She goes quiet and just sitting there as I gently rub each knuckle and skipping over her ring finger. The ring that held the rock that has put her in this hard place. I don’t know if she noticed but there are so many times that I wish that she wasn’t married. I squeezed her hand firmly and passionately like I had wanted to many times before. She looked at me and without uttering a word she said, “thank you.”

She talks with her hands from time to time and she softly pulled her hand away to continue inform me of her problems. I didn’t mind one bit I could sit there for hours and hours just listening to her. I know when something isn’t right I am one, if not the only person who can tell that she is unwell.

She sighs, a deep, heavy sigh and say, “Remember that whole fiasco with my PT (Physical Training) test, last night I realized that I haven’t taken it and I was supposed to in October.” She was a wreck because of it. Not just because she didn’t take it and pass it yet but because she had had gotten an opportunity to be a part of base honor guard. This special duty entails traveling across many states preforming funeral services for military veterans. This means time away from home, which means time away from Allison. This was her only way she was going to be able to survive. Quite literally because I fear if she spends any more time at home with her ungrateful niece it was going to push her pass the breaking point. Laura had failed a PT test due to excruciating pain in her uterus from a cist. She had gone to the doctors multiple times, so much she had to cancel on some of our dates. Thankfully they were not cancerous. She kept explaining to me that she was worried her chief was going to take honor guard away from her like he had twice before. She told me that Monday she had a meeting with the sergeants from honor guard and she was going to meet with a Senior Master Sergeant (SMSgt). The SMSgt is a wonder person and she is always will to help someone in their time of need. Laura was afraid she was going to get kicked out, and she had absolutely no back up plan. She had gone over a few back up plans with me but the third one she said was the only one I really remember. She said she could be a stripper and man did I love the thought of that. She really has an amazing body, short and fit, short hair, and studious glasses. I reassured her that getting kicked out because of a single PT is impossible. It calmed her down but I could tell she was still overwhelmed with everything piling up.

I tapped on the present firmly. I didn’t slam my hand down but just a loud enough tap to snap her out of her trance. I told her, “this gift isn’t anything to get crazy about.” She smiled the first real smile I’ve seen from her that day. Shaking her head telling me that she was very grateful for it because it was her first gift she had received this year. I smiled and I swear I was blushing. Carefully she inspected the box. She took a serious liking to the bow I had on it. A matte maroon bow, no more than a silver dollar in size, it was very firm. She was lightly bouncing her finger tips against it testing its strength. She was super excited about it. She picks it up again and continues to inspect the box. She complimented me on how well I wrapped it, and said it was impressive for a guy. I laughed and thanked her, I wanted to tell her that I tried my hardest to make it as perfect as I could. I wanted to make her feel special. I had never seen anyone open a present so neatly until I saw her open one. Daintily taking each piece of tape off and folding it when she was done. I asked her why and she told me, when she was a kid she was the only one who realized that they had to clean up the wrapping paper when every Christmas so she didn’t like making a mess. I told that was the best part and she smiled.

The gift consisted of a hand written card and a coffee mug wrapped in pink tissue paper. The first thing she would see when she opened the present was the card that said:

Laura

You are such a bright and caring woman.

I always seeing you put others before yourself,

Which is such an admirable trait.

You deserve to have and amazing Christmas and

So much more.

You have so much of my love and respect.

Merry Christmas!

-LWS

Doodling is something I love to do. One day her and I were volunteering at the Rescue Mission and she say my notebook with a doodle of the Lochness Monster. It gave me the idea of doing a nice small drawing of a present. It had two hidden messages within it. The box was rectangular with a red cross resembling the English flag, her family is from England and her accent is so beautiful. Second, there was a bow atop of the box. Its significance is it was shaped like a heart, showing my love for her. Turning the card towards me to show me it and giggling let me know that she loved it. Even if she didn’t get the hidden meanings her loving it was all that was important. She quickly looks over the writing and compliments me again on my handwriting. I smile and thank her and she reads the card to herself. It looked as if she were tearing up and on the verge of crying. She pauses and looks up at me and by the length in time it took her to read through it she must’ve been on the sentence, “You have so much of my love and respect.” I really hope she realized my feeling towards her in that very moment if she hadn’t known I did already. She looks up eyes appearing to be glossy and tilt her head in the cutest way and says thank you.

She sets the letter to the side and examines the gift wrapped present. I told her that we had talked about it a while and go and I had to get it for her. She looks at me then back down and asks, “Is this…?” and before finishing her question she excitingly says, “It is!” She had the biggest smile on her face and tell she was filled with joy.  Smiling I nervously ask her for a hug. She stood up, as did I and we hugged each other tight. As her head was resting on my shoulder she whispers “Thank you.” and I whisper back, “You’re welcome.” It was a very passionate hug. I rubbed her back and didn’t want to let go. Lucky for me the moment felt as if it were moving in slow motion.

Sitting back down, she looks over the mug and asked me how long it was sitting in my car. I accidently stretched the truth and told her since Saturday. I asked, “Why? Is it that cold.” She laughed and nodded. She kept thanking me and I realized how grateful she was. She asked how I was doing and to be honest I don’t remember what I said. I probably said that I was doing alright and then something about school, or work, or something. I don’t like taking about myself. I changed the subject and told her I’d been volunteering at the Mission and everyone misses her. Told her that I haven’t been seeing Connor for a while only once or twice and I didn’t know the reason until the day after. Told her I had been heling with all the Christmas festivities going on at the mission.

I’ve been talking to her and everyone about going to England for Christmas and the New Year. She brings it up and wonders if I’m excited. I tell her I am really excited and I’m all packed. I kept asking her if she wanted anything from the homeland and she’d laugh and say get me a ticket there.

Suddenly, we hear her name being called and she goes to check who and what they wanted. Looking at what is residing on the table. I notice her notebook and I’m tempted to draw a cute picture while I wait. I didn’t want her come back and to think that I was snooping. I decided against it and stood up and stretched. It was only a few minutes she was gone and she said no one had called her but she heard her name being called too.

Sitting back down she became a little upset again and it was about her PT test again. She didn’t want to get kicked out and I reassured her again the most that would happen would be paperwork. She sighed and I rested both hands on the table, and without any hesitation she placed hers in mine. I wiggled my fingers as if I were playing the piano to try and get her to smile. But it wasn’t working as much as I’d of hoped it would. She elaborated on what she was saying about not really having a backup plan. She had the thought that failing her PT and being late to retake it would severely impact her career negatively. Trying to make her feel better I brought up what she said about being a stripper. She laughed and said, “I’ll grab my mug and my cat and go.” My face lit up like a Christmas tree, my heart pounding and love coursing through my veins. I thought to myself, “She really loved it!” We brought up her being a stripper jokingly a few weeks prior and she told me she’d be making so much more money and still keeping her benefits. I told her that it was definitely a good back up plan smirking at her and she chuckled.  Feeling like I could talk all night she did have to get back to work.

Her phone said 17:05 (5:05pm). She told me she had been a jerk to nightshift because she hadn’t been preparing meals for midnight meal. Before she got up I asked her if she’d like to volunteer with me Monday night but unfortunately she was working until 21:00 which was when I was planning on coming back from. She was holding the mug in her hand and I asked if it was better, nodding and saying it doesn’t hurt anymore to pick it up. I laughed. She started digging through the gift wrap and finally found what she was looking for. It was the bow. I smiled as she bent the card and slid it into the mug and dropped the bow in it. In the cutest way she looked at me and said, “I’m going to keep this bow.” Then giggled. I ask her if I made her feel better and she said yes. She then told me that she wished her husband could tell that she was upset but she was happy I noticed. She told me, laughing while saying it, “Thank you for being a stubborn asshole.” I told her that’s what was going to be my epitaph. Laughing and standing up I told her if she ever needs anything I will always answer. We hugged and she whispered, “Thank you again.” I just held her tight and made her feel loved.

If there’s one thing I wish I could’ve done that night, that one thing would be to kiss her.  

[2015.12.20] IU I&U in Beijing by Jerry Poon