#2012!phan

But a relationship, as he learned quickly enough, can’t be built on a one sided fantasy. And no matter how much he tried, how much he wanted to, he couldn’t shove his ideals down Dan’s throat and expect him to just go with it.

No, Dan had his own ideals, his own ideas and notions about what was an acceptable way to act like in a relationship.

At least, that was what Phil told himself when everything had started going south.

At first, when things started to change between them, Phil was sure Dan just needed some time to figure everything out.

Everything was so chaotic and suddenly every little detail of their online life was examined under the microscopic eyes of their subscribers and it was a lot to deal with. For the both of them.

And Phil accepted that they had different ways to cope, because even for how similar they were in some aspects, they still had a very different approach to situations.

And that was okay. Phil was determent to let Dan deal with everything in his own way and pace. To let him figure everything out and not push him in what Phil felt was a better direction.

And although it hurt him to see all the things Dan suddenly was saying about him for everyone to hear, the disgusted and mocking way Dan was talking about the idea of them being together, he swallowed his pride and let Dan vent and yell and offend him in front of their audience.

What was not okay though, was when this new internet persona Dan took upon himself started to slip into the real world. Into their relationship.

When words of affection turned into eye rolls and sarcastic and sometimes even mean comments.

When “you’re an idiot,” lost its endearing quality and was said with an edge that made Phil want to physically flinch.

When soft and casual touches were gone and replaces with once a week of physical release that almost always ended up with Dan sleeping in another bed.

That’s when the situation stopped being about letting Dan cope in his own way and them having different perspectives on the situation, and started being about how much Phil was willing to endure before his self-respect wouldn’t let him continue that way.

And he very much wanted to fight for their relationship, to make it work. But as time passed and Dan’s attitude stayed the same, Phil started to feel that the gap between them was too big to make up for.

Not the age gap, that never bothered him. After all, when it came to life experiences they were pretty much in a similar place when they started dating, and Phil never felt like the more mature one, at least not in a way that bothered him.

No, the gap he felt was between their morals. Because Phil would never treat a person he loved, or even had minimal respect towards, the way Dan had been treating him.

And he knew he wasn’t perfect either. He knew that the way he refuse to react to the situation drove Dan crazy. He knew Dan wanted to handle every comment, react to every message. But honestly Phil was getting tired and bored of fighting against the invisible evil force that was the internet.

But more than that, he felt that the fact that they disagreed on how to handle things professionally shouldn’t come between them on a personal level.

But what made it clear to Phil more than anything else that there was a problem not easily fixed was when his mom brought up the subject.

His mother was a very smart woman, if he could say so himself, and he trusted her and her opinions more than anyone else’s. She was never quick to jump to conclusions and always taught him patience, saying how important it was to give others the benefited of the doubt.

So when she asked about the situation with Dan one night over the phone, Phil felt like he was about to cry.

It was so rare of her to get involved in the personal problems of his and Dan’s relationship, and he knew that if she was asking, she was really worried for him.

“I’m not sure, it’s all kind of complicated right now.” He answered truthfully, but also vaguely. He didn’t want to admit how awful he had been feeling.

“Phil,” she said with a sigh, and he kind of dreaded what she had to say next.

“I don’t think he’s treating you properly.” She said and Phil didn’t even notice that tears were spilling out of his eyes until he felt the moisture rolling down his chin.

He didn’t say anything. What could he say? It was humiliating for him.

He didn’t care what his audience thought about all of this, not really. They didn’t know him. They didn’t know Dan. All they did was speculate and analyze the little information they could get their hands on.

But to know that his family, who he was so close to, thought that Dan had been treating him badly, made everything a lot worst, a lot more serious.

He didn’t want to be one of those relatives everyone gossiped about, saying things in hushed voices in the back room of a family party, pitying him and shaking their heads about his personal relationship.

Phil was a strong believer at keeping the dirty laundry at home. He always hated when people knew that he and Dan had had a fight, even a small one, but now there was no way to hide their more than massed up situation, especially from his mother.

She waited a few seconds, giving him the chance to say something before continuing.

“You know we all love Dan, and we know how happy he made you over the last 3 years, I’m not forgetting that.” She paused, taking a big breath.

“But, it’s okay if that’s not the case anymore. You’re both young. It’s your first proper relationship. You don’t have to push yourself Phil. You deserve to be happy, to be treated with care and love. You don’t have to stay if it’s not right for you”

Phil tried his hardest to pull himself together as he answered a weak “I know.” To his mother’s words.

And even though she didn’t tell him anything new, anything he didn’t know already, it still made a strong Impact on him.

All of a sudden, it was much harder to ignore the silent treatments, or to brush the mean and unnecessary comments Dan threw at his direction aside.

And when Dan came home one night, drunk, after refusing to tell him where he was going because he “didn’t owe him anything,” and “he’s not a child, he can do as he pleases,” Phil couldn’t even pretend to relish at Dan’s sudden presence in his bed.

And when Dan started touching him, like he had the right to anymore, Phil felt incredibly angry.

“Stop.” He said sharply, pushing Dan that was crawling on top of his body, kissing his neck and jaw, away from him.

Dan looked at him with confusion for a few seconds before a smirk found a way to his lips.

Phil felt like he was about to be sick.

“What’s wrong baby? Are you upset I didn’t tell you where I was going?” he teased, moving his hands to rub up and down Phil’s thigh.

“Dan.” Phil warned, getting a hold of his wrists and stopping their motion.

Dan was far too drunk to understand the situation. He leaned down to whisper in Phil’s ear, his hot breath sending shivers down Phil’s spine.

“Why don’t you fuck me hard then? Teach me a lesson.”

And maybe some other time he would have played along, pushing Dan down on the mattress and letting them both work out the tension.

But now, he felt mocked. He felt disgusted that Dan thought he could just use him when he was horny, get a reaction out of him, and probably go back to ignoring him by the morning.

And he knew that Dan was drunk, and now probably wasn’t the best time to do this, but something inside him snapped.

His hold on Dan’s wrists tightened and he pulled him a little closer so he could whisper in his ear.

“Yeah? You want me to fuck you?” he let his teeth scrape Dan’s ear lobe while he was talking, feeling his breath hitch a little.

“Show you how good I can make you feel? Make it so you wouldn’t be able to walk out of this apartment again tomorrow?” his voice was dripping venom, but Dan didn’t seem to notice, breathing getting faster and more excited.

“Fuck Phil, yes.” He said, whining a little when Phil started to kiss and bite down his neck.

When Phil made his way back to Dan’s ear Dan was already panting above him, fighting to keep his hips still.

“Well, to bad I’m not your fucking toy then.” He spat, letting go of Dan’s wrists.

He sat up abruptly, almost hitting Dan’s head on his way up, getting out of bed and putting a T-shirt on his exposed chest without looking in Dan’s direction. He didn’t want to be naked in any way in front of him at that moment.

“Do you really think you can just walk in here at 3 am and I’ll be thanking my lucky stars that I get to touch you?”

Dan looked shocked at Phil’s reaction, and his alcohol clouded brain made it hard for him to grasp what was going on.

“What?” he asked dumbly.

Phil took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He had to remember that Dan was not in a state to have an adult conversation.

“Just… get out please. Go sleep in your room or something. I’m tired.” Phil said, rubbing his face with his hand, surprise to see how tired he really was now that Dan came safely back home.

The thing was, Phil never kicked Dan out of his room. No matter how mad he was, he never could do it. He still held on to this tiny hope in the back of his head that maybe this time would be different, maybe this time Dan will be there when he woke up in the morning, blinking at Phil with his pretty eyes that he loved so much. The same eyes that now a days glared at him with resentment more often than not.

But at that moment, nothing felt worst for him then being in Dan’s company.

“You can’t kick me out.” Dan said, and it looked like he started to sober up a little.

“Oh can’t I? And why is that?” Phil let his hand drop from his face and locked his eyes with Dan, who physically flinched from Phil’s stare.

“It’s my room too, technically. I sleep here.” Dan said a little quieter.

Phil let out a bark of laughter that surprised even him.

“Well, technically, you haven’t slept in this room for weeks, so I don’t think your reasoning is valid.”

“Are you actually asking me to leave?” Dan said, his voice getting a little more pissed of now that the initial shock was gone. He lifted his head up to meet Phil’s eyes, staring at him with a challenging look.

And Phil was so sick of this games, this unnecessary power play. Because Dan was so sure that he was holding all the cards, so sure that Phil lived and breathe for him. So sure that his look will make Phil fold.

“You know what? Stay, leave, I really don’t care.” Phil said at last, taking his duvet and pillow from the bed and exiting the room, leaving Dan to stare after him.

Phil made his way to the lounge, putting down the pillow and duvet on the couch and lying down, trying to make himself comfortable.

And even though he was sure that sleep wouldn’t come easy to him after what happened, he fell asleep almost immediately, already used to the constant ache in his chest and the absence of Dan’s body next to his.

******************************************

In the morning Phil woke up from the light shining through the window in the lounge. It looked like it was still pretty early but his head was pounding and his limbs were stiff.

He wasn’t the one to go out drinking last night, why was he having a headache?

He turned around on the sofa, blinking his eyes open and getting them used to the light, and was met with the surprising sight of Dan sitting in a chair not too far from him, looking at him intently, but not saying a word.

Phil was not going to be the one to break the silence. He got up from the couch, ignoring Dan’s presence and made his way to the kitchen, feeling Dan’s eyes on him the entire way there.

He put the kettle on and drank two glasses of water while waiting for it to boil. After the water was boiled he made himself a cup of coffee and took a long sip, not sure how to handle the situation from there.

He knew he should talk to Dan. They let the situation stretch for far too long, and it was time to try and decide the next step, and he couldn’t do that without having a mature and calm conversation with Dan. Which he was not sure they were able to have at that point.

Still, he made his way back to the lounge and sat on the sofa, turning his head to Dan’s direction and finding him already staring back at him. An unreadable look on his face.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Phil sipping his coffee and Dan looking at him while he does so.

“So, are you going to tell me what that was last night?” Dan broke the silence at last. It sounded like he struggled to keep his voice calm. And failed.

“What do you want me to say Dan?” Phil asked. Was Dan really that oblivious to the situation?

“Is it really because I went out and didn’t tell you where? Because I was just out with friends from uni, I don’t see why I have to report to you about that.”

Even though Dan’s words were sharp and accusing, Phil could hear the uncertain undertone they held. Dan was trying, in his own proud way, to explain himself to Phil.

And a few weeks back that was probably enough for Phil to let it go. But right now it only made it clearer to him how far apart they were. Because Phil was bored of the excuses and games and trying to read between Dan’s lines in search of remorse. That was not the relationship he wanted. It was not the relationship he deserved.

He took a deep breath.

“I think I’m done Dan.” He said, his voice tired. It wasn’t even that hard for him to say those words, he felt kind of relived.

Dan looked at him for a moment, confusion written on his face.

“W-what? What do you mean done? Done with what?” Dan stuttered, his eyes going wide.

“With this, Dan. With this sick unhealthy thing he have between us. It’s not working anymore.”

He didn’t want to hurt Dan, even after how much he’d been hurt himself, but it was necessary they talked about it openly.

“What?” Dan repeated. “I swear nothing happened last night! Whatever you think might have, I was just out with friends!”

And although it was said with an angry impatient tone, Phil could feel the fear underneath it. Because after all, Dan did love him in his own way, Phil knew that. And he loved Dan. But that just was not enough anymore.

“It’s not just about last night Dan. It’s about everything that’s been going on between us the last few months.” Phil said, trying to be as calm as he could be for the both of them, but finding his voice had started to tremble.

“So, what? Are you settling the score? Punishing me for what I said about us on the internet? Is that it? Because we agreed on it!”

Dan was starting to raise his voice, but Phil was determined not to make this a shouting match.

“I’m not trying to settle any score, Dan. It’s not a game, I’m not trying to win against you. I just want to be free of… of this.” He vaguely gestured between them.

“And it’s not about what you said to our subscribers as well. You’re right, I did agree that you should handle this the way you think is best, even if what you said was so disrespectful towards me, towards our relationship. I would have been fine if you weren’t acting the way you’ve been towards me in our real life relationship.”

Phil was starting to feel the effect of the conversation on him, his vision getting blurry with unshed tears.

Dan stared at him in silence for a few moments before reacting.

“Don’t you see I’m trying to save our relationship? While you rather happily ignore what they all been saying online, I’m trying to give us our privacy back!”

Phil shook his head, letting few tears escape his eyes.

“You are not listening to me. I don’t care what they think, I don’t care what you tell them. What I do care about is that after the camera is off, my boyfriend still won’t touch me, won’t even look at me.”

“Phil-” Dan started, but Phil cut him off.

“And last night was just the last straw Dan. I’m not your fucking sex doll to use when you’re horny and to throw aside when you’re done. I can’t believe you thought that it’s okay to demand sex from me when I didn’t get one affectionate word from you in weeks.” His words were coming out shaky now, voice breaking with the effort to keep going.

“To be honest, I’m kind of ashamed of myself that I put up with this for so long. Wishing and hoping that if I’m patient enough things will get better. Thinking that the times you crawl in my bed in the middle of the night is your way to apologize, and not just your entitled way to get yourself off using me, only to find you gone again by morning. That’s not a relationship Dan, at least not one I want to be a part of.”

He was surprised to find Dan with tears down his cheeks as well, pained expression on his face. It was the first time in what felt like so long that Dan was showing him any kind of emotion that was not annoyance or anger. He had to fight back the desire to get up and comfort him.

He needed to get a reaction out of Dan. If they had any chance to make it work between them, which Phil was seriously doubting, he had to know how Dan felt about him, about them. He couldn’t keep fighting on his own.

“What did you want me to do? It was all too much all at once and you didn’t help me handle it!”

Phil could feel his entire body deflate. He didn’t know what he was expecting Dan to say, but he was definitely disappointed.

Because Dan didn’t have a magical excuse that will explain everything and make everything better. His shitty behavior was just that- a shitty behavior.

“I’m getting tired of hearing the same old song Dan.” He said, rubbing his temple with his fingers.

“This has nothing to do with the way we professionally handled the situation. I know you wanted me to scream and shout with you at every comment, but you can’t expect me to do that when it’s against what I think is the right thing to do.”

Dan was still crying, looking at the floor stubbornly and refusing to meet Phil’s eyes.

“So that’s it? You’re breaking up with me?” Dan said, his voice tight.

“I don’t know Dan. Do you even want to be with me?” Phil asked.

Phil was met with silence, only the sound of his heart breaking filing the room. Dan was still avoiding his eyes at all cost.

Phil let out a sigh, his eyes still moist and his stomach in a tight knot. His head was still pounding from when he woke up, even worst now, and he didn’t feel like the conversation was going anywhere anymore. He said what he had to say, now was time for Dan to process it.

“Let’s just… I don’t know Dan. I think I’ll go to my parents for a few days. Let us both think about everything. Okay?”

Dan didn’t answer, didn’t lift up his eyes.

Not even when Phil got up from the couch and left the room.

And later that day, when he packed a bag for a few days, and walked out of the apartment, Dan didn’t even bother to see him to the door. Letting him slip between his fingers without saying another word.

 notes: 

this is based on a prompt I got.

now listen anon, I know you asked for a happy ending, AND I PROMISE YOU YOU WILL GET ONE. I just wanted to do this part from Phil's point of view. and the next one will be from Dan's, and there will be a happy ending. I AM NOT A SADIST (and I also can't live with an unhappy ending in fics, so you have my promise for a part two in the very near future)

Since Dan met Phil, his life had clearly improved. He wasn’t as sad as he used to, he had someone to talk to and knew that he wouldn’t be judged about the things that worried him… He felt better with himself, no longer feeling useless.

As the time passed, Dan felt more comfortable around Phil than anyone else, ending up moving to Manchester with the excuse of going to university there. Once he was closer to Phil, he felt like he could breathe again.

What Dan wasn’t expecting were the mental breakdowns he would start having because of his university. He started having some big existential crisis and he started being a bit more dependant of Phil, who actually started being more dependant of Dan, scared that something would happened to him and he wasn’t around to help him.

Because of this, they ended up moving together, starting a new phase on their relationship. It brought them closer; Phil was less worried because he knew that Dan would be fine, and Dan was more relaxed because he knew that Phil was there for him.

Both of their youtube channels were growing and they were getting attention, which was great, but not so great, as it made them have to be more careful about their relationship. And this situation was exactly why everything got worse. In every relationship are bumps in the road, and nothing is perfect, but their problems arrived because of the internet. A video leaked and everything felt like it was ending.

They started fighting each day, they spent entire days without talking to the other, and all the safety that they have built seem to disappear.

In this time when they were both so fragile, the BBC offered them a radio show, and they had to discuss together if they were going to do it or not. So they spent one night in their lounge, looking at Manchester from their window. They sat on the floor, not talking at first. They knew that they needed to sort themselves out if they wanted to move to London together, and that was what they were going to do.

“Do you think we can actually make it?” asked Dan, being the first to talk. Phil looked at him and didn’t see the guy he had been sharing apartment with, instead, he saw the afraid teenager that he had once met a few years ago. The vulnerability in Dan’s eyes made Phil hug him, sitting behind him so Dan could press himself against him.

“I believe in us. I said it when we met and I’ll say it now. We’ll figure it out. But only if we do it together. We can’t do it on our own, we need the other to make this thing work.” Phil’s answer was sincere, he was tired of fighting, he wanted to go back to better times.

“I’ve missed this. I’ve missed us,” Dan’s words were only a whisper, but Phil heard them either way. He kissed the top of Dan’s head and hugged him tightly.

“Me too. But we can’t continue like this, Dan. I’m not saying that we should break up, nor that we should come out. But we do need to stop fighting over the same thing all the time. I already apologized for that.”

“We don’t fight about that all the time…” Dan tried to say.

“Yes, we do. If it wasn’t because of... y’know… that video, we would be fine. You’ve been pissed at me for months, and you use every excuse you find to blame me about everything. And I can’t take it anymore, Dan. I want us to be fine again.” A tear rolled down Dan’s cheek.

“I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I just… I didn’t mean to be angry I just… I couldn’t help it. And I’ve been trying to apologize but I couldn’t ‘cause I felt so stupid. I am so stupid.”

“No you’re not,” Phil whispered, moving so he was in front of Dan. He cupped his cheeks with his hands to make him look at him in the eyes. “Listen to me. You are not stupid. You are one of the most incredible people I know. And we’ve been through a few rough months but we are gonna work this out. We are gonna move to London, start fresh, and work with the BBC. And we’ll do this together so, do you want to do this?”