#2.3.2018

I'm not even watching this game but boy am I Frustrated

Apparently, tonight requires a double dose of Ativan (which I’m allowed to have on occasion). Since I got my new dosage, I’ve been taking it consistently every night to head off the negative thought spiral that tends to ensue as soon as the lights are off. Maybe I just didn’t take it early enough, because I’m feeling very trapped in my own thoughts and am struggling to not drown in my own personal sea of self deprivation and the anxiety-enduing memories of my failures. Additionally, I need to make a note that I have had moderate pain in my left ovary for the past 2-3 days. Yesterday was okay. The pain couldn’t really be described as more than a discomfort most of them time, though it would occasionally twinge to about a 2 when I sat down or had pressure applied to my abdomen. This morning is was worse. It felt as though there was constant pressure, and the pain would would range from a 1 to 3 depending on how much I moved around. Lifting things felt like a 4. Not unbearable, but certainly more uncomfortable and annoying. I should not be ovulating right now. I thought I felt the standard ovulation cramps a week or so ago about the time that my period tracker said I should be ovulating, though it’s hard to remember exactly. We’ll find out whenever I start bleeding again what my cycle is doing. I’ve had symptoms of ovarian cysts in the past, but never confirmed with a doctor if that’s what’s causing my pain. A few months ago, it was so bad that I couldn’t leave my bed without hurting. Every movement ached, even just getting comfortable while lying down. There was a time a year before that in which the same thing happened over a couple of days. I feel kinda silly for thinking about going to a doctor for this. It’s definitely not debilitating this time around, but it happens frequently enough that I’m scared that if I don’t go in right away, the potential cyst will be gone by the time I get an ultrasound to confirm whether or not that’s my diagnosis. And if it’s not, then what the fuck is making me feel this? It’s not like normal ovulation cramps that just twinge every now and again and come with bloating and the likes. It definitely has a pattern of starting off low and slow, peaking in pain, and then disappearing all together.