#2.28.16

i’m happy. thank you.

gross my biggest fears are being left behind, lied to, and left alone I've been struggling for so long to make friends and keep them?? like it's gotten to a point that when my sisters friends ask who i hang out with I literally just straight up tell them that I don't have friends and have to joke about it to make it obvious that I'm not lying ?? like I't not even the "aw im so lonely and edgy and I haven't had a friend who hasn't backstabbed me and was a lying cheating bitch" I literally haven't had any fucjing friends to cheat me I'm just so scared that I won't ever have people to support me i guess

middle class stuff (vacation) I guess snobby? like I'm acting like I'm not grateful when I really am my parents recently told me that they were taking my family on a twelve day cruise and I'm just?? really really really fucking anxious and scared because every single cruise I've been on before has just backfired majorly when it comes to making friends and my mental state and my family's health and ,,,,,,, my parent keep saying "what the point of stressing it won't get anything done" WHEN I CANT HELP IT i can't help being terrified for my wellbeing after those twelve days I can't help being deathly afraid that I won't be able to make friends at all and I'll be alone once again for two weeks just miserable when I should be happy and incredibly thankful for the opportunity at hand the past three cruises (weeklong) have just been mentally exhausting because for the first half I struggled so hard to make friends and when I finally did they told me the third day of hanging out that they lied about their ENTIRE identity including their name and age and this happened ALL THREE TIMES I'm just so fucking stressed that I'll be embarrassing myself trying to get closer to people I want to be close with I don't even want a relationship I just want a friendship for once