#1amthoughts

We didn't know

Or maybe we did?

Falling is the same as dying

But couldn't accept it

Because... why should we though?

Is hurting a choice?

If it is then most of the people wouldn't choose it.

Once we fall, we break into pieces.

Shattered like glass into fucking tiny pieces.

Once we fall, we'll fucking regret it.

Because it hurts. It fucking hurts to fall.

Today, I had a casual conversation with my girlfriend. Peeo bago pa yun, binasa ko ulit yung conversations namin last year sa old number niya, hindi ko kasi dinelete, simula nung dumating siya dito. Andun yung mga text message na "wag ka makikipagkita sa ex mo ah" at sagot niya "oo hindi ako makikipagkita sakanila".

Everything was very smooth, may konting away pero hindi naman lumalala. Until 1 day nalaman ko na nakipagkita siya sa ex niya, few days bago ako lumipad papunta sakanya, sa Cebu.

Lately ko lang nalaman actually, naghingi ako ng explanations nung una, pero wala siyang sinagot sakin kundi "Mabuti na yan sakanya mo nalaman, salamat kay Xxxxxx at sinabi niya sayo" nasaktan ako sobra, mukha akong tanga, pinagkatiwalaan ko siya, kampante ako na wala siyang ginawang kalokohan while she stayed here. (Seawoman kasi siya, 6 months ldr, 2months vacation pero ldr pa rin kasi taga Cavite ako, taga Cebu siya) Akala ko smooth kame, na kahut inaaway ko siya, madalas, e hindi siya gagawa ng ikadidisappoint ko, kasi ganun din naman ako sakanya e, sobrang honest ko minsan wala na sa lugar, kaya nagcocause ng away. Until that day happened. Ex niya mismo nagsabi sakin, we were just casually talking, akala ko ok kami tho ex na siya at may jowa na, I was very polite to her, until she said those lines "Nagkita kami ni Eeeeeeee" parang gumuho yung mundo ko. Ang oa, pero literal na masakit. Simula non, hindi ko na siya tinigilan awayin, pinilit ko kunin password ng fb niya kasi kinuha niya at pinalitan uli, pero ayaw niya na, naglelead daw ng away namin palagi. After few weeks, hindi ko na siya kinulit about it.

Hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko, na baka isang araw mangyari nanaman yun, na baka isang araw ibang ex naman, baka gawin niya uli, at this time balikan na siya ng ex niya, tapos gustuhin niya rin. (nagAttempt daw kasi siya makipagbalikan base sa ex niya, pero sabi niya hindi daw, pero sinabi niya yung mga katagang I CAN TREAT YOU BETTER THAN HIM)

Today, nalaman ko na yung buong pangyayari, pinakwento ko sakanya, habang nasa byahe ako, para wala akong rason para magalit, kasi for sure magwawala at magsisigaw ako kapag naaalala ko nanaman. Simula sa umpisa pinakwento ko sakanya, gusto ko magalit, gusto ko siya awayin, gusto ko sigawan, pero kinalma ko yung sarili ko, sobrang kinalma ko, kahit na naiimagine ko yung pagkikita nila simula sa simbahan, hanggang sa pinagkainan nila. Ganun pala yun no? Kapag may ginawang mali sayo yung taong mahal mo, kapag sinaktan ka niya ng sobra, kahit na sobrang nasira yung tiwala mo, kahit na mahirap ibalik, kapag mahal mo, wala ka ng pakialam don. Kapag mahal mo, magagalit ka lang, magaaway lang kayo pero hindi mo pa rin kaya na wala siya. Na kahit ganun, hindi pumasok sa isip mo na gumanti, o maghiganti. Kasi mahal mo siya. At handa ka pa rin tanggapin siya. Ganun pala yung mga tunay na nagmamahal.

I’ve been really excited because after all the exhausting school works and requirements I have to get through, I finally got most done and now I have the free time I’ve been craving for. I thought that when I finally get a hold of my most-awaited (sort-of) a little vacation, I’ll be able to draw all I want. Turns out, I don’t. 

And the problem is purely about me. 

I’ve been spending time with my sketchpad and pencil recently, but most of it is just me staring on a blank sheet of paper, with my pencil loosely gripped on my hand. The ideas are all there, I want to draw. But for some reason, it just doesn’t turn out the way I want. 

I feel really upset about it.

All I’ve been making are unfinished sketches, all of which I get unmotivated to finish halfway through the drawing. 

It really upsets the hell out of me. Something is wrong, but I don’t know exactly what. It’s as if I’m lost and I don’t know where to start. And then it got to the point where I am asking myself, “how did I draw in the past?”

I remember I just moved my hands freely without thinking much about anything. i just draw because I enjoyed it. It was so fun. And I could express my ideas best through it. In those times, I didn’t care how much I suck, I didn’t care how deformed my drawings were, how flawed my anatomy was, I didn’t care. Because I was having fun. 

But now.. I don’t know. I felt pressured to do well, because I don’t know. I just want to. I saw how great other artists I admire and at some point I started thinking why aren’t I great like that? Why are my drawings so lame? Why does my art seem like it isn’t enough? 

I got tired. Tired of feeling upset over this. And then I was just like “Ah fuck it all” and I tried to remember how I usually draw in the past. 

I tried again. My goal was to finish a drawing. Even just one sketch. I won’t stop on just drawing the eyes, or the face and then leave it unfinished. I’ll finish even just one sketch. 

And I did it. I’m so glad I was able to do it. I felt a little, at least, better when I finished drawing this. It’s just a simple sketch of a girl in sailor uniform (because who doesn’t love seifuku) but I think it got me back to standing up again.