#18.3.2018

March 18, 2018 - Day 272

35 minutes at bedtime

The struggle with the deep subconscious continued last night. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that in the deep subconscious there is nothing that I am fighting with other than the pure unabashed pull of the subconscious. The subconscious thought-images are not worth paying attention to.

The subconscious thoughts can’t be recalled when one snaps out of the meditation. Just like dreams in deep sleep. The difference between sleep and meditation is a simple one. In meditation you can watch yourself sleeping ! Of course, that kind of watching does never-experienced-before things to the breathing. The difficulty in recalling the subconscious images is one reason to not pay attention to them.

The other reason for not being interested in them is that they are pure nonsense. The images from the subconscious are outlandish and can be delightfully entertaining. Often, the meditator is aware that he/she is not into the practice for the free self generating entertainment. We want to get rid of these images or at least find a way to not pay any attention to them. The absurdities of the subconscious images are one very good reason to get away from them.

Then, you might be left with a pure, unalloyed tug from the deep subconscious. That’s where I am presently. Getting pulled into an image less space that will surely take me away from the technique at hand. The pull is strong. The uncertainty is large. There is uncertainty of dealing with an imageless mind space.

I used to be a fat kid, most of my childhood and teenage-years revolved around food and being excluded from social activities. Either because I could not do the things my peers were planning to do, or because I isolated myself from activities I feared I would not be able to master or looked funny while doing.

Around the year 2011 I decided enough was enough and actually managed - through exercise and a somewhat good diet - to get from 90kg to around 65kg. Of course, everyone noticed and I felt very proud. 

However, I could not continue holding this weight or getting to my goal which was around 60kg (at the upper border/middle for my normal BMI calculated for 1.65m) at this time. I blame this on school, puberty issues, but it was, to a huge amount, simply weakness and the laziness I thought I had gotten rid of. 

I lost sight of my weight and by 2014 I was around 75-80kg again. After the break up with my first boyfriend (who on one occasion voiced his opinion on what he thought about my weight - one reason he is now my ex; You saw what I looked like - Take it or leave it!), I felt sad, and I found a great response to this sadness by taking up the running shoes again, planning my diet and, after some time, *finally* reaching the long desired 60kg. (Another, not so great, response was I started smoking, which had - and I am not going to lie here- a huge impact on losing weight).

I was happy and confident.

Until I fell back to being lazy and sad. (I do not know what happened. I cannot blame it on dating that one guy for 2 weeks, though he left me with some - awful- food for thought... Maybe I also got too obsessed with the whole journey and the calorie deficit got too high, leaving me exhausted and unmotivated) Someday, while I was already gaining back weight, I also decided to lay down the cigarettes (which lasted like 3 months) and I got back to higher numbers on the scale. 

After another few desperate attempts to lose it again, to stop smoking again, just to experience setbacks in either part, I am currently a smoking fatty. (83 kg;1.65m)

I plan on losing 23kg in whatever amount of time, this time with baby steps and without getting into an obsessive mindset. 

The goal is not necessarily to get healthy, though I do think this journey will have a positive impact on how I view life and might make me question some of my ways in the future. 

The goal is to regain my confidence by showing myself ‘I can do things I told myself I could not’ (exercise, losing weight,*keeping it off*).  

Changes I am currently working on:

- completing 30 day challenges for beginners

Planned changes for the near future:

- go for a walk 3 times a week