#14.15

there's something really specific about sam's relative possession and all around autonomy violation in 14.15 peace of mind that i find really horrifying. like sam used to have similar abilities (or abilities that would have panned out to be very similar if he'd explored it further) and those abilities exist through the violation of his autonomy, a kind of violation that he both continues to fight and a kind that he (relatively) gives into more than once to save other lives. it's become the crux of his trauma; if there's one thing that stands out about sam winchester as a character at this point, it's that the idea of any kind or variation of possession (or general violation of bodily autonomy) festers like an an infected wound. but by season fourteen, he's so beat down (for a lack of better phrase), he starts ignoring issues as long as the people around him do and he tramps down his own for the benefit of others; he sways in any direction dean or his general environment does and his agency extends to what will be best for others or dean rather than himself. in 14.15, he literally takes comfort in the control of his mind. he uses it as a crutch for dealing with the loss of his team of hunters. that kind of autonomy violation used to be something he was immune to, something he didn't even have to brush off because of how unaffected he was (2.05, simon said), then it was a means to an end, then it was something that made him angry, and now it's something he finds comfort in. honestly that track of trauma response is very well written, like the idea of your trauma becoming something you find comfort it but. that's also just straight up fucking horrific