#14.01.19

It's new and scary and my anxiety is strong.

I have nothing to talk to you about but I still wanna talk to you.

Even about the little things.

I wanna know your favourite things.

I wanna tell you mine.

I just don't know where or how to start.

seviliyorum ama direk şu oluyor

ama bu kişi tarafından sevilmek istememiştim ki.

sevdiğim kişi tarafından sevilmek istiyorum.

bencillik gibi hatta bencillik evet.

ama nasıl ben karşımdakini beni sevmiyor diye suçlamıyorsam, kimsenin de beni suçlamasına izin veremem.

hepimiz böyleyiz nasılsa.

o yüzden şöyle diyelim,

Draco Malfoy is feeling uneasy, and he doesn't like it.

You wouldn't think that it's a new feeling for him, not after last year- but it really, really is.

 Before the war, before anything of this had started, he'd always felt like he was on top of the world- a Malfoy, the Malfoy heir, son of Lucius and Narcissa, (almost) top of his class, pureblood of the sacred twenty-eight, bathing in the light of influence and power.

Now, of course, the name Malfoy means something else entirely. Tainted, like while walls stained with blood that was never properly cleaned.

During the war, it was different as well. Always cowering in fear, gritting his teeth in anger but never daring to speak up, pain in his bones from curses carelessly thrown by the dark lord, trepidation controlling his life.

He's never afraid anymore, now. Not during the trials, neither when he nor when his parents were facing prison time. Not when his father had been whisked away. He's not angry, either- it feels like he's spent all of his hate already, first on the wrong people, ones he could never think badly of now, not after what they- Potter, especially- have done for him, after all that he himself had done to them... and the dark lord is dead, and took everything that was an evil constant in Draco's life with him.

Doesn't think he can feel anything anymore, at times.

 But now it's the uneasiness. It has nothing on the dread he faced before- he's only going to be around other students, for Merlin's sake!- and it's such a faint feeling in comparison that he didn't even notice it at first. Now that he does, he starts getting angry at himself. He hadn't been afraid to meet his peers, expecting their sneers and looks and maybe hexes and a few hidden curses or fists thrown his way- but now that he is on the platform, it's different. No-one has tried to curse him at all yet, and while he doesn't lower his shields he doesn't think that anyone is waiting for the right moment to catch him alone. And sure, there are looks, but they are not all hatred- some don't quite seem to know whether to ignore him or glower at him, some are plain curious, and the worst of it are the ones filled with pity.

 Pity.

 He's Draco Malfoy! He doesn't need their pity. Except that that sentiment is coming from a different time and place... and when he allows himself to think about it, he finds that yes, maybe he deserves those looks. Neither a deatheater nor innocent. Neither fully by himself nor with a functioning family. The worst of all worlds. Thinking back to the hearing at the ministry, Draco can't quite decide whether he aught to be grateful or angry at Potter for making everyone pity instead of hate him with his words. He doesn't have it in himself to hate, so he settles for the gratefulness that he knows he can't shake off anyway.

 And maybe that's a good resolution for his last year at Hogwarts: to not let himself pretend anymore.

 It never lead him anywhere good in the past.

~~~

~~~

I don't know why but I love the atmosphere past 9.30pm at the gym. Oddly motivating ☺️

Started with the treadmill as lately usual

Easy pull ups 25kg off 12 reps 1 set, 30kg off 12 reps 2 sets

Pulley 15kg 12 reps 3 sets

Shoulder press 5kg 12 reps 3 sets

Pectorals 15kg 12 reps 2 sets, 17.5kg 12 reps 1 set

Triceps push downs 10kg 12 reps 3 sets

Biceps curls 4kg each side 12 reps 3 sets

I think I can finally up the weight for one set with the shoulder press. Overall my arms still feel like at the beginning but they must have gotten some muscles.