#1258am

Okay so I’m back, and I realize that this post may be a bit similar to my last but apparently this is when I need to get my thoughts out the most so let’s just do it anyway. Let’s start with how I have no fucking idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. how scary is that. i have my entire life ahead of me and i have no clue what direction im going to go. its terrifying. and then maybe i start to wonder if it would just be better if i didnt have my whole life ahead of me to worry about. but i dont want to hurt everyone. sometimes i wish things were different so i didnt have to think about everyone else before myself. but then maybe thats my problem. im trying to please everyone when i should just do what i want. except that all that i know i want is mike so how do i turn that into a career right. i just wish i had someone who could tell me what im meant for and what i should focus on. im so fine when i can focus on something and have an end goal i am really fucking good at that. what i am not good at is floating in this werid state of trying to figure out what im “passionate” about and it all just sounds like bullshit and i feel like im drowning in it. i wish i had any artistic skills at all because i have so much art inside me and no way of letting it out. why did i start out in the art school anyway? who was i kidding? probably myself honestly. i just want everything to be perfect i want mike and i to be perfect and for our lives together to be perfect. nobody understands not knowing what to do, i just wish i didnt have to decide i want to skip the next two and a half years to the part where mike is home and we have a home and we can be together and that can be enough. i miss him so much my heart hurts so all i can do is try not to think about it but i need more of him in my life and i know that hard because hes so busy and its not really fair of me to be upset about that because he is following his dream and here i am sitting on my ass watching trash tv and crying about it all. i just cant tell him im depressed or scared or anything while hes gone because its not fair and i dont want to put that burden on him but i want him to come home and i want to tell him but i still feel like i cant because he cant fix it and he wouldnt understand. its hard, i want him to know and to support me and fix me but i dont want to be the one to tell him. how fucked up is that. im also too scared of losing him to tell him. what happens if he decides he doesnt want me anymore, or that hed rather have one of the talented girls at nau, what about us, what about me? i get too jealous i know but i cant help it, i feel like im with the person im meant to be with and i dont want to lose that, itd be like being ripped in half. hes cute and funny and so smart and talented, he cares so much and he just gets me more than any person ive ever met. i cant help feeling like were meant to be together. i cant picture a future for me that hes not in and that is scary. on another overall note, i cant tell if im depressed or just major-less and my boyfriend has been gone too long. so that where im at right now.