Of course, I missed you⦠Well, itās not a common phrase to start this. Actually, I have nothing⦠My thoughts are blank. I donāt know⦠Thereās no words pouring. How have you been? It feels like years since you disturbed the screen of my phone. I missed you, a lot. I just miss your presence. Your scent. Your voice. Memories. Smiles. You. But this storm will pass. I know. But I canāt find a way to escape this feeling. Iām really desperate⦠to let this storm fade. You broke me. You watched me even cry. You watched me burning in my own tears. You just watched me. You watched me flashing that smile but holding my tears up in front of you. You never respond. You never gave an answer. You touched my soul. My heart. My breath. And leave. Fuck you. You made me thought that I had to work for your time and attention. Then go fuck yourself. And you know what the worst is? Itās because Iām fucking tried. I tried hard to worth your attention and time. I loved you. You shouldāve known. You shouldāve fucking care about my feelings. My heart. You shouldāve fucking cared of me. Why would I continue to choose someone who never choose me? Okay, if you donāt never liked me. Why you did not try to clear things up at the very least of this bullshit. Cuzā you know? Iām really fucking tired. It still haunts me. And it feels like forever. And you know what? Iām really trying my best to be strong and putting on my fake smile trying to turn it to be real. The ending? It was slow motion. Everything turned blurry and black. There in the bathroom, I try my real best not to fall apart. But my tears are streaming down my face in front of everyone we both know. It was the day after my birthday and it was the worst night of my whole life. āYou broke my heart. For real.ā I said hopelessly with tears. I keep myself living our friendship the way we used to be. But the truth was, I was really hurt. Iām in pain. Deeply. AND FUCK YOU. I keep blaming myself but the truth is, you never really have the guts to tell me you were not interested. AND FUCK YOU. BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU CARED. Maybe, you never really did. Instead of telling me, you shut your eyes off of me. You took everything. You wasted everything. If you werenāt not interested, you shouldāve shut you door at the earliest time. You shouldāve not spend your recess with me. You shouldāve not listen. You shouldāve not let me open my book. You shouldāve not spent your time with me. And you blew my walls until I trusted you. You shouldāve not let me. You shouldāve find your own life without me in it. So donāt blame me for not bugging you for months. I fucking need to. Itās killing me. You were once a murderer. Iām sorry if I reacted this way wayy wayyyy too much. Donāt blame me. Because, even myself didnāt even know. I felt like a fool for not knowing that it was an alarm. You never warn me. You never told me to stop. So I did not. You never gave clues but instead, you did everything to make me believe that you were in to me. You want to be my best bud, but you didnāt even know the value of friendship. I canāt be with someone who made me cry to sleep at night. I canāt stand with it. I canāt. But somethingās keeping me holding on to nothing. WHY? Because you are not the one I used to love before. You fucking change. And thatās the way you love your own self. And yes, Iāve changed too. A lot. And you whatās one of my changes? I just stop dealing with you. I am not drowning myself with tears anymore. But Iām drowning myself with the thoughts of should haveās and what ifās with a bit of regrets and alcohol for quite a while now. Now, Iāve started this writing with the thought of you, and I fucking donāt know how to end this. Cuzā I met you. I met you again. And itās in another person. Fuck it. I met you, I met the old you. Can you imagine? At first, I really knew that he was a replication of you. I watched him from a far. Because he caught my attention like you used to. A lot. He was joyful, bubbly, gentleman, and he was just like you. But then, I never thought that heāll approach me. It was lunch and I was alone, he pulled a chair and he ate with me. He was joking around. He was asking a bunch of random stuff. And it was a familiar ambiance. My heart stings. Canāt catch my breath. The butterflies was somehow new. I just met him, and I knew the ending. I distant myself. Shut the door. Lock him out. And never start anything. I donāt want to know him more. I donāt want him in my life, even as a friend. Not like you. Not anymore. Not again. But with the presence of him every day in the classroom? It makes me miss you more and more. It makes me crave with the thought of you.Ā And how long do I have to deal with this feeling. How to escape in this bullshit?