#11pmthoughts

Lagi akong naguguluhan sa dalawang salitang ito dati;

Iyak o alak?

Iyak para sa pusong nawasak,

Alak para sa utak na ikaw ay patuloy na naiisip.

Pero kanina lang, hindi na ako naguluhan.

Alak ay aking kinuha

At nagdesisyong hindi na iiyak pa.

Tapos na ang mga araw na ikaw ay aking iniiyakan.

Mas ayos nang magising nang masakit ang ulo at nasusuka

Kaysa naman namumugto na naman ang mga mata.

Kailangang ulit-ulitin sa sarili na dapat ka nang kalimutan.

Ibasura na lang ang nararamdaman kasi parang walang kwenta lang din naman.

Mas kaya ko ang sakit ng ulo kaysa sa masakit na namang puso.

Pero ilang bote pa nga ba ang iinuman?

Ilang beses pang susuka?

Ilan ba ang kailangan para makalimutan ka?

Gusto kong malasing.

Para kahit ilang oras lang ikaw ay hindi na sumagi sa aking isipan.

Ayoko nang balikan

Dahil hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung sino ang dapat sisihin.

Masakit pa rin ang lahat sa akin.

Akala ko'y kaya kong magpanggap na masaya,

Pero hindi pala.

Alam ko naman kasing kahit malungkot ako, hindi ka pa rin ibabalik ng tadhana sa'kin.

Pinipili ko ang alak gaya ng pagpili mong ako'y lisanin

at iwan na parang isang batang nawawala sa lansangan.

Oo mapait ang lasa ng alak

Pero lasang tanga ang pag-iyak.

Ayokong maging tanga,

Gusto kong malasing.

Parang nung sinabi mong ayaw mo na

Of course, I missed you… Well, it’s not a common phrase to start this. Actually, I have nothing… My thoughts are blank. I don’t know… There’s no words pouring. How have you been? It feels like years since you disturbed the screen of my phone. I missed you, a lot. I just miss your presence. Your scent. Your voice. Memories. Smiles. You. But this storm will pass. I know. But I can’t find a way to escape this feeling. I’m really desperate… to let this storm fade. You broke me. You watched me even cry. You watched me burning in my own tears. You just watched me. You watched me flashing that smile but holding my tears up in front of you. You never respond. You never gave an answer. You touched my soul. My heart. My breath. And leave. Fuck you. You made me thought that I had to work for your time and attention. Then go fuck yourself. And you know what the worst is? It’s because I’m fucking tried. I tried hard to worth your attention and time. I loved you. You should’ve known. You should’ve fucking care about my feelings. My heart. You should’ve fucking cared of me. Why would I continue to choose someone who never choose me? Okay, if you don’t never liked me. Why you did not try to clear things up at the very least of this bullshit. Cuz’ you know? I’m really fucking tired. It still haunts me. And it feels like forever. And you know what? I’m really trying my best to be strong and putting on my fake smile trying to turn it to be real. The ending? It was slow motion. Everything turned blurry and black. There in the bathroom, I try my real best not to fall apart. But my tears are streaming down my face in front of everyone we both know. It was the day after my birthday and it was the worst night of my whole life. “You broke my heart. For real.” I said hopelessly with tears. I keep myself living our friendship the way we used to be. But the truth was, I was really hurt. I’m in pain. Deeply. AND FUCK YOU. I keep blaming myself but the truth is, you never really have the guts to tell me you were not interested. AND FUCK YOU. BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF AT THE VERY LEAST, YOU CARED. Maybe, you never really did. Instead of telling me, you shut your eyes off of me. You took everything. You wasted everything. If you weren’t not interested, you should’ve shut you door at the earliest time. You should’ve not spend your recess with me. You should’ve not listen. You should’ve not let me open my book. You should’ve not spent your time with me. And you blew my walls until I trusted you. You should’ve not let me. You should’ve find your own life without me in it. So don’t blame me for not bugging you for months. I fucking need to. It’s killing me. You were once a murderer. I’m sorry if I reacted this way wayy wayyyy too much. Don’t blame me. Because, even myself didn’t even know. I felt like a fool for not knowing that it was an alarm. You never warn me. You never told me to stop. So I did not. You never gave clues but instead, you did everything to make me believe that you were in to me. You want to be my best bud, but you didn’t even know the value of friendship. I can’t be with someone who made me cry to sleep at night. I can’t stand with it. I can’t. But something’s keeping me holding on to nothing. WHY? Because you are not the one I used to love before. You fucking change. And that’s the way you love your own self. And yes, I’ve changed too. A lot. And you what’s one of my changes? I just stop dealing with you. I am not drowning myself with tears anymore. But I’m drowning myself with the thoughts of should have’s and what if’s with a bit of regrets and alcohol for quite a while now. Now, I’ve started this writing with the thought of you, and I fucking don’t know how to end this. Cuz’ I met you. I met you again. And it’s in another person. Fuck it. I met you, I met the old you. Can you imagine? At first, I really knew that he was a replication of you. I watched him from a far. Because he caught my attention like you used to. A lot. He was joyful, bubbly, gentleman, and he was just like you. But then, I never thought that he’ll approach me. It was lunch and I was alone, he pulled a chair and he ate with me. He was joking around. He was asking a bunch of random stuff. And it was a familiar ambiance. My heart stings. Can’t catch my breath. The butterflies was somehow new. I just met him, and I knew the ending. I distant myself. Shut the door. Lock him out. And never start anything. I don’t want to know him more. I don’t want him in my life, even as a friend. Not like you. Not anymore. Not again. But with the presence of him every day in the classroom? It makes me miss you more and more. It makes me crave with the thought of you. And how long do I have to deal with this feeling. How to escape in this bullshit?

 I fucking want to quit.