#hiddengrays

To myself,

Keep that little light in you. I just hope you never stopped believing. Hold on. It will be fine. It will come. Keep going. Breathe. Calm yourself. Keep yourself grounded. Tell yourself it's gonna be okay even when the sky is blurry. Even when you're getting tired of questioning, worrying, and feeling worst.

I just wanna let you know that this is gonna be fine. I will keep manifesting it, pray for it, hope for it. I will pick up your pieces every single night. And I will keep on whispering these things on you. Just believe. Even if we can't understand. Even if it seems unreal.

It will happen. I am telling you. Calm yourself. Breathe. Believe. Manifest. And hope it gets better everyday.

I know how scared you are. I am too.

To be honest, after getting your heart broken, you can't wait to be okay. You can't wait to be whole again. But surprisingly, it's not done overnight. I mean that's impossible.

Because that would be one of your hardest times. And you're gonna endure it. So hard. Endlessly.

Sleepless nights, sad drunken eyes, bleeding heart.

You're gonna hate yourself completely. You're gonna feel you're not good enough for someone—and maybe not good enough to even breathe—to live. And it’s the worst feeling. It’s like a slow burn sensation that you’ll never know where does it really hurt you the most.

You see, all you just wanted was to end the feeling.

The pain. The memories. The flashbacks. The old you.

And in that state, it changes you. You have no idea that between that darkness and burns, your world is shifting. You are changing. Growing. You are turning into someone you never thought you could be. You’d be uncomfortable for so long and that’s okay. Your mindset, your beliefs, the way you view yourself, in love, people, everything. You will change.

And there, you will hate the thought of love. It’s like love looks like a killing knife coming onto you. And you’re the fool who’s willing to catch that sharp thing that’s willing to saw your heart back and forth. It’s like everything you thought about love is just… a mere idea. Something that never lasts. It’s like it is the only insignificant thing that you can feel. It’s like an addictive pill that you can enjoy for the longest time, but you have to let it go at some point because you can never try that again. You’ll think it’s a one-time thing.

And so, you push people away. You push the new ones, the potential lover, the people who want to help you, love you, and even the possibilities of learning and experiencing something new. You’re gonna be scared, but this time, you’re wise (but I hope I am now). You're gonna be terrified of breaking somebody else's heart. But you gotta to do it in order to see what really belongs to you.

And so, you will encounter different people with different stories. You’re gonna be a friend to them. You’d still give them love that’s left of you. But you will walk away. Because suddenly, staying doesn’t feel right anymore. You will wander for a while, do things that makes you feel alive for a moment, dive on something you never thought you could do.

And one day, you’ll look in the mirror, you’ll realize how much you’ve change.

And you will be surprise, you’d be with someone who’ve you never thought you’d end up with. A stranger you’ve never thought you’d hold now. Someone will come. Out of nowhere. A surprise.

And finally, you have someone beside you again. A home that’s already been made for you. And you’re gonna realize you’re not the first one to arrive in that place. And for a moment, you’ll feel you don’t belong there.

And you’re gonna ask yourself: Did I just build myself only to fall apart again?

But then the wind will whisper to your ear saying that you’re someone’s home too before. And that makes sense. Maybe love is always like this—a shot in the dark. You’ll never thought what it might bring back to you. Sometimes, you wont even recognize if it is love. You just gotta be there. Believe that it is love. Give it a chance. Let yourself soak in it. Have faith.

You have to tell yourself that you have to let go of your old self. You have to remind yourself that the storm had already been passed, that the rain had already been through.

So, you gotta let yourself believe again, have faith, and hope…

That love can be something new. That love can repeat itself on a different page. That love will not always be the same. That love doesn't always shine, but it will, again. That love wears a black shirt, denim pants, and the scent of warmth and a tight hug on the first date.

Digital Publishing, 2nd Semester (school purposes)

Published: 2:46 pm 051521

Here's my evaluation form for this writing:

We all need an escape. Maybe a good view, serene place, and a coffee on the side. But I don't drunk coffee, maybe a hot choco will do. We all need to feel something that'll make us feel alive again.

We can drop everything right here right now and make ourselves the priority. It's not illegal to do that.

it's okay to pause and appreciate life once again. We all need a break. We all need an escape. Even just for a day.

I just can't wait to give my resignation letter. I just can't wait to reach the end. I just want to sleep for a long time.

And if i have a choice, I don't want to wake up. I just wanna take a rest from everything.

(deep sigh)

Hanggang kailan kaya natin lolokohin sarili natin na ayos lang ang lahat? Na okay tayo? "Okay lang ako, chill lang." Hanggang kailan kaya natin gagamitin yan? Hanggang kailan kaya natin itatago ang totoo? Hanggang kailan kaya tayo maninirahan sa kabaliktaran ng katotohanan?

Kailan kaya natin matatanggap na hindi naman talaga tayo okay? Kailan kaya natin pipilitin ang sarili nating maniwala sa mga ganitong bagay?

Pero ako, uulit ulitin ko. Hanggang sa gumising akong ayos na ang lahat. Hanggang sa maging totoo ang lahat.

Okay lang ako, chill lang.

Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako gisingin tuwing alas tres ng madaling araw para lang umiyak sa cr. Pipilitin kong huminga ng malalim, bumangon, at mag cr. Doon ko bubuksan ang gripo, para lamunin ang mga tahimik kong hikbi. Tatakpan ko ng mga palad ko ang akjng bibig. At doon lang ako luluha. Doon, hindi ko pipigilan ang pagkawala ng dibdib dahil sa bigat ng nararamdaman. Kapag kaya ko na magsalita, titingala ako, bubulong ako sa Kanya, sa langit na sana dumating na ang araw na matapos na ang sakit. Paulit ulit. Hanggang sa nasanay na lang ako. Nasanay akong tabihan yung sakit. Kinaibigan ko. Kinasama ko. Minsan ko ring inalagaan. Pero simula pa noong una, alam kong bibitawan ko ang lahat.

Kasi dumating naman ang panahon na alam ko na. Alam ko nang tapos na. Tanggap ko na. May mga gabi lang talagang nakakapagtaka kung bakit may mga luha pa rin akong naibubuga. Na para bang hindi na matapos. Na para bang napakalayo ng lahat.

Ayoko na mapunta sa ganoong pagkakataon. Nagmamakaawa amo sa mga tala na sana hindi na sa akin mangyari ang pagkaguho na yon. Hindi man ako nawala, pero siguradong may namatay sa sarili ko. Pero kung mararanasan ko 'yon, sana may kasama ako sa dilim, sa sakit, sa pagkawasak.

Kaya para sayo, hindi ko hihilingin na hindi ka magkamali o makasakit. Ang tanging hiling ko na sana masamahan mo ako sa pagkaguho't pagkawasak at ligaya't mga luha.

Mahal, samahan mo akong pagdaanan ang lahat.

When you did everything you can for something you really want and it seems like nothing's happening, all I have to do now is wait. There's doubt in waiting. That uncertainty feeling that'll bother you so hard.

But you know what, if you did everything you can, all you have to do now is to have faith. And put it all on Him. Because that's all you can do right now. Sit and wait. Manifest and claim.

Hope for the best.

believe that God is guiding us into something we're meant to be. :)

I'm tired, but progress is a progress.