#11.15.2018

I stole one of @bohtie ‘s pillows with permission and it still smells like them. Extremely happy about this.

36, 42, 69

As I’m sure we’re all aware, I have really fucked up dreams. They’re vivid and often revolve around apocalyptic events. I dream about my exes and my family a lot. I dream about being raped, running away from monsters, being alone in vast, dark, empty spaces. But the weirdest thing about them is that I’m never panicked in them. I never feel particularly scared or disturbed. The events just are what they are. The past three times I’ve been able to sleep, I’ve had these dreams again, but this time I was emotional about it. The first dream involved me and a guy. We were flirting and showing interest in each other. I have no idea who he was supposed to be. But as things progressed between us, we started to have sex and that’s when he tried to murder me. I distinctly remember fighting him off and choking him with a metal coat hanger I’d wrapped around his neck. But then I let him go and essentially dared him to try it again because, if he did, I would fucking kill him. I’m not a particularly violent person. I’ve never been in a fight. I have no self-defence skills. But in this dream, I was so fucking angry that I nearly slaughtered this dude. I woke up feeling perplexed. The second dream involved the ex I’d lived with. I was living with my parents in our house in Louisiana and was in my bed trying to sleep. My ex snuck in and crawled into bed with me. As he was trying to fuck me against my will, my siblings came in and my mother found out he was in the house. My mom went on a homicidal rage and kicked me out. I told my ex to get the fuck out of my house because my mom was literally going to murder him. And that’s when I woke up. This is the first nightmare I’ve had in a very long time. I only call it a nightmare because I woke up sweating, hyperventilating, and telling myself it’s not real. I was absolutely convinced it was real and it took me a while before I realized that I’m actually in Wyoming. The third dream was a little more... trippy. I was in a virtual reality that would reset on occasion. The setting was an early 1900′s western town. Dirt roads, two-story wooden buildings, mostly devoid of people. But the interiors were filled with modern furniture and equipment. The first round involved several children in quarantine due to an epidemic that was never officially diagnosed. I was a caregiver and was allowed to spend time with the children. Physically, they seemed fine. On occasion, one might die in their sleep. Over time, I learned that the People In Charge were experimenting on them. When I went to confront them about this, the game reset. Round two included my sister. There was a guy. He was young, charismatic, charming. He lead a group of other people about my age and younger and was recruiting my sister. He started out friendly but then began to squick me out. It became clear that he only wanted to use his followers. (This felt a lot like Kiss Me First, won’t lie.) I tried to convince my sister that we was bad news and that’s when the game reset agian.