#102721

I’m absolutely slipping.

I wake up late, can’t get out of bed, and when I do, my brain is fuzzy and I can’t get any work done. I click around, send a few messages, but can’t gather the strength to actually get up and do my job. My eyes feel like they’re burning, my legs feel like weights, I feel like I’m constantly suffocating in silence and I have no one to turn to.

Of course that’s not true, but I’m tired of burdening people with the same problem that I know isn’t going away anytime soon.

I’m trying to find a therapist but I don’t know how. The anthem website doesn’t make any sense and I don’t understand any of the terms. Every time I get overwhelmed and give up. But I really can’t afford to this time because I’m about to hit a wall.

My main happiness has become my biggest source of stress - Ping. She wakes me up at 7:30 every morning, barking and growling relentlessly until I take her out to pee. Even after, she won’t shut up for hours, pacing around my room and the apartment, getting stuck, and barking. It’s inescapable, it’s draining. She won’t let me hold her anymore because she’s mad about the cone. Nothing works, she stops barking when She wants to. None of the old tricks work anymore. I’m exhausted, and I don’t know what to do. I’m hoping it will change after her wound heals and the cone is off, but I don’t know. The other night I was walking her and two different old men stopped to try to talk to me. I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I was on the phone with my mom and she asked why I was outside walking her at night. And I had to explain that Logan used to be the one to walk her at night so I wouldn’t run into these situations. But he’s gone now.

He left so easily. So easily it’s unbearable to think about. He left this whole life that we built behind overnight and he doesn’t even think about it.

It’s killing me. It’s actually ripping me apart every day. All I want to do is talk to him to understand why. Why he did it this way, and why it was so easy.

I’m so tired of feeling like I’m drowning all the time. I was better before and now I can’t get through a single day without crying. It’s affecting my work. It’s affecting my health. It put me in the hospital.

I’m constantly living an out of body experience, desperate for any source of dopamine. I’m tired of burdening people with my life.

I want my life back. I want him to be different. I want him to be who he was four years ago, I want him to be the man who swore he’d never hurt me and he’d marry me.