#1. entry

Dear reader,

I know. I said I would write frequently here but I was a bit too busy with school and socializing with my friends. But now that I have time, let me summarize what happened in the last couple of weeks.

The new school year

So. The new school year started. It was quite stressful in the first week. Cuz everybody is busy with organizing things n stuff. I didn't talk that much to the new peeps. Only to the ones who also repeated the school year with me. I guess you could say I was too shy to talk to them. One week later the people started to be more sociable and slowly but steadily friend groups started to form. Thankfully I've ended up in the group with the most chill dudes. Aka the peeps that repeat the year and plus one cool gal. (I'll talk about her and one dude in our friend group later.)

Now a thing that kinda got me shook was the fact that some people who applied for this class (I'm in the IT class) didn't even know how to save a word file.. How do they expect to even survive this year with a course which is centered on computer technology... Oh boi.

We also had an outdoor day, (which all freshmen year people have) and this year was the most fun outdoor day I've ever had. I guess the enjoyability really depends on the people. Ngl but I'm glad I repeated the year.

Roxy and Christian

(Real names were changed to made up ones)

Now let's talk about Roxy which joined our friend group. She's amazing.

My first impression was a tad different though. I first thought that she was a normie memer. But when I interacted with her on the Outdoor day, my impression completely changed. After that, I found out about her music taste (which is similar to mine), that she can sing extremely well, that she's really into art and draws herself, that she knows em dank memes, that she's an amazing leader etc. etc. Long story short, I really admire her.

And now to Christian. One year can change so many things. First I was best friends with a really toxic person. Then I cut off that toxic person from my life and two new people entered my life, Samurai, and Naomi. I still am very thankful that when I needed them the most, they were there for me compared to the toxic person. Because of them, I was able to heal and stand on my own two feet. What I'm trying to say is. I didn't expect to end up being such good friends with Chris. Last year he was just another person that irritated me and didn't matter to me. But once I started to interact with him more, talk about different topics and etc. we ended up being friends. If you told me one year ago that this would happen in one year, I'd be confused.

Chris is an interesting person. He always says what's on his mind without feeling any shame. He's also deeper than I thought. He once called me on the phone and said, "Yo go outside and look at one of the stars in the sky." and I did as he said. He said, "Do you know that this star exploded millions lf years ago and that you're looking in the past?" (I already knew that, but it was interesting to know that he even thinks about things like these.). Talking about phone calls. He always calls me when he's high or drunk. And the things he says are always so hilarious and entertaining.

But there was one phone call that made me a little sad.

One night when he was high he said "If I died one day, you guys (friend group) would prolly forget me. And I obviously said I would never. His high self prolly didn't understand me. But I meant what I said. I never forget people who once were dear to me nor their importance.

I've never talked about this to anyone, but I have a simple proof for my words.

So I'm 17. And back in kindergarten when I was 5 I had a really dear friend. Her Name was Kiki. We were almost like soulmates. But one day my family and I had to move houses, which also meant I had to leave her behind. And on the last day, I told her "You'll always stay in my heart." (hwbfjanwjfhe yes I can be very cheesy SHUT UP) and she really did. From time to time I still wonder how she's doing, how she looks like right now, how much she changed for these past 12 years. I still think of her even though it has been such a long time. What recently reminded me of her was the song with the lyrics "Kiki, do you love me?..." and I laughed. Because I thought "Oh man, whoever knows her must be mocking her with this song right now. I wonder how she's doing." it's bittersweet nostalgia.

And I also think that if it really would be the case that Chris would die one day, I'd still think about him when I'm 50 and miss his presence. Like "Oh man that was a funny dude, it's a shame he's not around anymore."

How I'm doing at school

I'm doing better than ever like bihhhhhh I've never done so much studying and homework in my entire school life. And I've also never been that motivated to do anything school related. Life is GOOD YAAAAAAA.

Feelings oof

So. I haven't been in love with anyone for quite a long time and still aren't. But recently I started to notice that I'm getting more attracted to a person. So. I have a history of bad luck in love. And I've always done the same mistake of telling my love interests about my feelings. And if I really end up being in love with them, I'll just stay silent and enjoy their company as a friend. But I'm also scared that this love might not end up as genuine love, but just loving the idea of being in love with someone. I'm quite a lonely gal so, that must highly likely be it.

Gosh darn, will I ever find THE true love? I'm so lonelyyyyyyyy.

Some things I noticed about myself and am too afraid to ask at this point

Soooooo. I can't talk well. I've never talked without making a single mistake. I run out of breath. I swallow words without noticing. I can't construct sentences in my head without thinking about it for a period of time. And if I have to talk fast, my sentences are incomplete or don't make sense. hELP.

I've also noticed, that when there's background noise (like birds, construction work, other people talking, etc...) I can't hear what the person in front of me is saying although I try really hard to make out the words. Not to be confused with volume. I have a really good hearing and hear stuff that many people can't hear. But my problem is that I can't comprehend the words when there are distracting noises.

Okay. That's all that I wanted to write. Thanks for reading and have a good morning, day, evening or night! 💕🌸✨