#09202019

She has passed on.

So generous of spirit, such a beautiful poetic heart.

Like Mike, I did always look forward to her morning poetry posts.

I believe she is somewhere with fragrant flowers and painted skys.

Thank you Lauren for sharing your light with us all. ❤

09.20.19

After a 21-day hiatus, I am back to doing this. I don’t know why I stopped. I think it was my self-doubt that I could really complete this project because it is actually so daunting. Some of these questions are hard to answer, some take a lot out of me to write in a general sense and some I just don’t feel compelled to write about because of hurtful or just plain tough situations that trigger things within me. But- that’s the point of this process. To get it all down, in black and white and release these things within me that need to go. Some of the questions in this list of 3500 are nonsensical as well. I’ll work through some of them next week.

So, as promised: here is tonight’s sixth thing…

The narcissist side of me would like to think that I am perfect in every way- God knows that’s a lie. But I do recognize things in me that are character flaws. I know I get bitchy and grumpy, especially when I don’t get my way. I get a little rough with people who don’t understand me when I try to give directions or instructions. I have anxiety terribly. I am a jealous person and can be a little petty. I’m sure I could rattle off a ton more, but I’ll stop because I’m starting to realize I’m just a general asshole with all of this that I listed here. But in terms of a character flaw that can be both good and bad, one that comes to mind is that I love too hard.

It’s a good thing to love hard and it’s a bad thing to love hard. I have a tendency in my life to latch onto people hard and not want to let go. Again, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I can get too clingy and smothery. I was not the type of person to have a lot of friends in my childhood- well, let me back that up for a minute. Most of the friends I had as a kid were church friends. I didn’t connect with hardly anyone at school for reasons that I’m not going to get into in this answer- just know it was for reasons of bullying. I sought refuge in my church with those people- only for them to turn their backs on me when I grew up and got divorced and the ones that didn’t leave then, left when I came out. So, there’s that. I honestly don’t know how to do friendships and relationships the right way so when someone pays the slightest bit of attention to me in either sense, they become the new (almost) obsession and I end up choking people out.