#091111

Letizia Recycling 270/??

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Everything is completely stressing me out, I'm not as quite happy as I used to be since so much is going on. I wonder everyday WHAT IF I had decided to not keep the baby, what would be the result now? I have a good idea of what it would be like.. There wouldn't be US anymore, I kept the baby mainly because of the father.. I know he's been through a lot & lost two of his own kids already so I decided to not let him go through it again no matter how much he had warned me that he doesn't want to see me unhappy through the process.. call it selfish but I would give up my high school year, my scholarship, my teenage years just to keep this baby for him and to make sure he's not in that pain again. If we were just a bit more careful, we probably wouldn't be in this situation where we're trying to make things seem okay when it's clearly not. Things haven't been the same like before for so long that I can't keep a hold of myself. I can't blame everything on hormonal changes, I honestly just blame everything on how I can't handle a big situation nor even a little situation. I guess I thought I knew what I wanted when in the face of reality it looks like I actually don't know what I want. The only thing I was ever so sure of was the fact that I knew I love him and still do even through our constant problems from us fighting about his ex, my trust issues, or even how I can't show affection . I have issues, I do. I want to be everything he wanted but it seems like I'm the complete opposite . I can't make him happy like I should and that kills me so much, I get so afraid at the thought of having another girl just completely take him away from either it may be his exes or a new girl. it always kills me inside to think about it. But I always push him away and he'll never know how I feel because I'm so damn stubborn to even put myself close to him. I can't even seem to feel like this is a relationship anymore .. I'll admit it, I'm scared and jealous but in the end it'll be his choice to walk away or stay. I want him to stay but I don't know what to do to have him stay , I know that for now this baby is the only thing keeping us actually together. Everything will be for this baby, I'm not worried for myself anymore just only this baby. I want Kenny happy even if it's not with me, I don't want to cling on so much to push him away even more . that's what I did in my past relationship was being too clingy that I ended up losing the person I once loved. Kenny knows how to love and he knows what he's doing but I feel like I'm still too young to even know what's going on.. hardheaded to do this upon his requests , I don't want to go against him at all in anything. Yes, I'm scared to trust Kenny especially after reading his messages between his ex and him, I just started losing my trust and I wonder still if he still talks to her or not . he says he doesn't but my gut says don't believe him yet, he might lie . whatever I read that day pained me a lot and I couldn't even go forward with the engagement the next day cause it hurted that much. My friend, alyssa had to talked to me and set me straight telling me that we're both nervous and that everything will be alright. I believed her, I put it to the side and just got the engagement over with barely speaking to him cause it was still in the back of my mind . But that's the past and I'm scared to be the next one to be placed in his past .. i love him, i honestly do . it's gonna take me awhile to have my love shown since I been so scared to show for the past 3 years. I can't blame anyone but myself in this relationship since I'm not doing my part .. 

Kenny K. Veraha