#080915

I seldom think of you like I used to. But you're the last man I loved. The last man who took all of my heart. These days even if I think about you it doesn't last long. Because how much can our memories fuel me? Doesn't take long to reach the end honey. I used to reminisce the moments; each moment frame by frame played in my mind on a loop because I was getting over you.

I started dating other people, I started volunteering, I travelled to find myself. And I did. (Kind of) I was slowly getting over you.

The thing about exes is that they're so familiar.. And it's so easy to fall right back into that toxic loop. It's so easy to wonder how things might go right IF we tried again.

Were there times where I thought about you, about us? Yes. Were there times where I was crazy enough to just have a fling with you? Yeah, sure.

By and by, I got over you. I only thought about you if there were a trigger. Someone looking like you. Their mannerisms. Your cigarette smell.

Then yesterday came-a-knocking. Valentine's day. Great.

You texted me. That didn't cause a downward spiral. So that I'm proud of. But what do you want? What are you thinking?

Sigh.

I pray that you're not thinking about me. I truly truly hope that you'll find someone else to love and to hold. Because I have you to thank for for getting over you. I really do. Whether intentional or not, because we shut all communications it forced me to get back on my feet. And I can only empathise how tough it is to have lost your mum. Oh honey, if we were together when all of our crap happened I would have hugged you through the night. I'll wipe your tears and you'll wipe mine and we'll grow through our losses.

But please please remember that you were the one who ended things because of what was happening. You chose to decide for me; that I wouldn't stick by you. I wasn't given that option. So now if you're only just waking up from the grief and thinking about me, do yourself a favour and turn around.

I don't think I can deal with this. I'm not sure if I want to. I lost almost everything within 1 week of my return. I lost you. I lost my education. I lost hope of ever becoming a pharmacist. And now that I'm fighting for it again I don't think I can choose between love and love. I love what I do so much. And it tore me apart when I gave up you and my dream at the same time. It tore me up. And before I could recover I took another blow of losing another love. The love who brought me up. The love who was like a grandmother to me. And I crumbled. I lost confidence in what I did. I lost the spark in my eye and the fire in my chest. I developed compulsive behaviours and went for counselling.

I've since found my fire. And I'm only starting to declutter and organise. If you were to come into the mix right now I don't think I'd be able to deal with it. Because I don't think I can choose between you and my career. IF this is really happening, I'm sorry. But it's my time to decide that you're not part of my plan nor my life.

I saw someone’s birthday as our first date. And for a moment I thought of you. And in that moment you were gone.