I've been thinking. For as long as I talk to someone about it, or think about, I AM I fact AFFECTED by it. Let's just face that fact for a minute here.
Yeah it sucks. But I've been the adult 2/3s of my life. At 30. Which is why most adults I've met through my "childhood" says "you're so mature". I wonder if anyone thought about why I was mature. Why I said the things I said, why my thought process is the way it is. Mature but somewhat under developed. And I'm working on it. No thanks to anyone.
Sometimes I wonder how much smarter I would have been if circumstances changed. Not the whole poor as fuck part, but the nurturing part.
Things are the way they are. I cant fight that. But what I can change is who I intend to become and how I'm getting there. I am learning to reparent myself. Wonder if they'd feel like I'm an ingrate if they ever hear this. Well, I wanted to be parented a certain way, and no-one listened. No one asked me what I wanted. It was always about them giving me the best they thought they did, which is why I am the fucking ingrate. But who cares? I do. Which is why I'm doing something about it.
I've gone past feeling sorry for them. I've gone past feeling like I have to fix their mistakes. So I no longer feel guilty about being selfish. Because when it was supposed to be about me, it wasn't. So now I decide that it's about me! I am reclaiming my right to my feelings & wellbeing. Whatever they may say.
I think I love them decently. Just not enough to kill myself over it. Why shouldn't they feel like crap? It's not my fault.
Also, this whole victimising one's self is getting old. I have no empathy left. It's also the reason why I'm questioning religion.
The people who were supposed to look out for me, the people who claim to be a child of God, the people who assumed that they were doing the best for me, ended up being the ones who reveled the ugliest side of humanity to me. They made me question if this is what Christianity is about. That you can arbitrarily cause people hurt while maintaining your bullshit innocence. These people proclaimed loudly to the world about their faith, their love, their beliefs.
Yes I have met amazing Christians. Yes I have in my own way felt how the Lord works. But I still question. I find it very hard to pray. I don't understand so much. But its all on me.
I will admit that I'm a women of science. Always science first. It has always been that way even while I believed. Science made more sense.
All these pain as taught me a lot about the ugliness of humanity. That even without war, without material gain, people will hurt you to protect themselves. People will be selfish just so that they feel better. So why not me? The only difference is that I wish I'll never have to hurt someone just so that I don't have to bear the pain.
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